[Ithilanar]

I had hope. I thought I could finally make this work. I tried so hard to suppress my borderline feelings and I have improved so much over the years. I don't freak out and throw with things, I don't push, I don't cut myself in front of him, I don't threaten suicide, I don't call him things. I've just put him through suspicions that I made clear I knew were irrational, constant precautions like as in making him tell me if he would get busy with something so I knew he wasn't ignoring me on purpose, I needed constant reassurances and then generally I was just too sad..

Now he has told me he couldn't find the strength to be with me anymore, that he couldn't give me what I needed, couldn't handle me, because there is just too much sadness. Panic attacks, breakdowns, suicidal feelings (even if they haven't been occurring so often but only lately because I am in a transition phase and my anxiety level is going up) and then I have needed hours of reconnecting conversations when I felt that something was amiss. I know I have drained him from all he had. I know he gave the best support he could muster. But it just hurts so bad.

All the reassurances, the promises, everything is glued to my brain now as a total let down. I didn't see this coming at all. I could feel him pulling away this week, but I know sometimes he just needs his space and I do my best in giving it to him. He has just seemed so distant lately that I broke down and cried and then had an anxiety attack where he held me through the whole thing and reassured me all was fine. The next day he broke up.

This has been the most stable yet the shortest relationship I have ever had. I can make something last for five years that is full of pain, power struggles, violence and emotional hurt, yet something good and healthy lasts for only three months. I couldn't make things work with the bad guy but I can't even make it work with the good either. I am the source of distress and despair. Right now I don't think anyone could ever have the energy and strength to love me unconditionally. I will never be a hundred percent healed. This will only add to confirm all the suspicions about reciprocation and that even something good ends bad. It's pathetic.

Are we doomed to walk this life alone? Or is it actually possible to find someone who'd have enough in themselves to be able to put up with you and all your darkness? Right now I don't think so. At least I am not slicing up my arm, I am not screaming, I am not throwing a fit, I am just sitting here, trying to numb it all out so no one will hear me cry. I know that won't last for very long. There is another period of hurt and pain to come and this time I feel so tired. I just want to stop fighting so bad. It is like you do your best and put all you have into it, and still you watch it all fall apart and get torn away from you. It is like my heart had healed and nearly felt complete were it not for the BD, and now a huge chunk has been torn out and it's bleeding.

I know it will pass. I just wish there was something that made life afterwards worth fighting for.

[AnnaBegins]

I think it's possible to find someone who loves you because of and in spite of the darkness that consumes us, but I also believe it's damn hard and that you want to give up so many times during the search. I admire you for being so strong and not hurting yourself even though you are in so much pain. I also understand feeling like you did your best and put your all into something only to feel like it wasn't enough and that you failed. I wish I could do more than offer a comforting virtual hug from afar...

[ReddSN]

It is possible to find someone. I am so lucky to have found my hubby, although admittedly I don't always let him see all of me. I have had issues finding and keeping friends though, and I get just like you - figure what is the point if everything turns out badly? I wish I had a solution for both of us.