[homney7]

I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after checking myself into the hospital approximately a month and a half ago. I had been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for about a year and half before this. I lost my brother to cancer (he was 17) 6 years ago and lost my father to a sudden heart attack 2 years ago. I have a 3 year old son who is amazing, but I developed postpartum depression within 48 hours after delivery. I never received any treatment for that and just kind of put it on the back burner. After all, I had a newborn, husband and a job that needed taken care of. Almost a year after my son was born is when my father passed away. It was devastating for our entire family. There was a moment during that loss that I wasn't sure anyone would pull through it. About 6 months after my father's passing,I sought help for depression. I felt myself beginning to become overly frustrated with my son, sleeping a lot, eating a lot more than usual, becoming withdrawn and just plain over it. I had never considered suicide, but I new that if I didn't sought help, that it could potentially end up with me hurting myself of hurting someone else. I was put on Zoloft and Valium for sleep. I continued seeing my therapist, then stopped for a few months, as I thought I was better. Then, all hell broke loose. I felt myself getting extremely angry, frustrated, hurt, sad and every kind of emotion I could think of, all the same time. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bi-Polar Disorder and stared me on Lamictal. I continued to see my therapist, but felt myself getting worse. It had gotten to the point of me not wanting to be around my son, my husband or anyone for that matter. I was constantly fighting with the people closest to me and couldn't understand why they weren't understanding me. I had felt that if I killed myself, everyone else would be better off. They wouldn't have to deal with me and my "craziness". I felt that it could never get better and that was it for me. I then realized I needed to harsher treatment. This is when I decided to check myself into my Stress Care Unit at my local hospital. I spent 6 days there and heard some really amazing stories. I learned so much from the different people. I felt somewhat "average" being there. But, on the outside, my entire life was crumbling. My mother and mother-in-law were at each others throats, my husband was angry at me because he couldn't understand why I did what I did and my son was put in the middle of this. My husband, Ryan, couldn't understand me. He didn't understand that I didn't understand either. His mother (my mother-in-law) was in his ear telling him "that it was a crock and that she was depressed before and didn't need medication and that there was no reason why I should be in the hospital. I could get through this without any of that." Eventually they doctor released me and at first my husband and I were great. Then it started again.....the fighting, the yelling, the hatred toward him. I knew I loved him as I had been with him for 11 years. I was just as confused as he was. All hell broke loose yet again and I ended up starting Intensive Outpatient Therapy (IOP) for 15 days. It was really helping me and I actually enjoyed being there with other people. I felt "normal" again. While in the hospital, the doctor started me on Lithium and I felt like it was beginning to stabilize me. While in the IOP, the doctor took me off Lithium. Again, I was very confused. Nobody knew what was wrong with me, so how was I suppose to know!!! When I brought my concerns to the table about not being comfortable with the doctor, they told me they didn't see if fit for me to come back to IOP, after only 7 days. My husband told me he thought "I shot myself in the foot". So, needless to say, I felt that everyone, even my own doctors, abandoned me. Everyone close to me had given up. The one person who should be by my side, through sickness and health, had given up on me. I was all alone and so confused. I ended up leaving my husband and staying with a friend, with my son, about an hour and a half away. We still couldn't talk without fighting and screaming, so we decided it best that we stay separated.

We eventually came together for our son's 3rd Birthday Party. My other took my son home with her so Ryan and I could talk. We actually had a conversation without fighting (after trying 3 times) and decided to work on it.

Basically where I am at now is figuring out the next step. Some days are good, some days are bad. I need techniques on how to get through the bad days. My husband needs techniques on how to help me get through the bad days. I need support. I need someone who understands. I need someone who can help me. My husband encouraged me to join an online forum, but I had never thought about that. That's why I'm here. I need help. I don't want a repeat of the above mentioned situation, every 3 months. I need people to talk to.

I am starting dbt next week so I'm hoping to improve some from that, although I don't really know what to expect! All advice, coping techniques and friendliness is welcome!

[greentires4me]

hello and welcome to PC!

First off lets give you a big (((homney))) hug!!

DBT helped a bit with my coping skills I learned new ones to become eager to use them but when it came down to it I had to learn to apply them. Which I still don't know how to apply them to real skills in my tool belt.

I hope to see you more on this forum...

[growlycat]

Welcome!! I've been in traditional therapy, um, forever. But I am interested in hearing what DBT is like? I've considered it but it is a huge out of pocket expense for me.

[BorderlineMess]

Lots of hugs and welcome! I know the emotional rollercoaster of BPD is scary and exhausting for both you and everyone close to you. From what I understand, DBT can help some people with BPD (and other disorders) better cope with life and stress. I went to DBT for a few months before I had to move. It gives you lots of different coping skills and, like greentires, I had more difficulty applying the skills to real life than anything else.

This website about DBT can give you some insight as to what to expect, some tips, coping skills, and helpful reminders about how to use what you learn in DBT. Usually mindfulness is one of the first things they teach you in DBT, so I would check out that part first. And you can practice at home as often as you like.

I find venting here helps me a lot. Hope to see you around.