[MDDBPDPTSD]

I feel like the world is telling me to go away. I do not belong anywhere. Even the few people who do care about acknowledge I do not belong in their circles.
I mean, I do not really want to socialize with a bunch of people, so why do I care?

Why do I need to belong somewhere? I don't really want to belong. I don't like people in general. I do like individuals. What difference does it make if I belong or not?

I guess I feel like a mistake. I am an only child and my parents did not have me until late in life. I was not definitely not wanted by my mom. My Dad was more welcoming, but he traveled often for business and I was often left alone with my mother, who hated me.

I never fit in with the other children in school. They would always make fun of me. I looked funny or I smelled funny. I was fat. I dressed weird. I wasn't cool. It has been a LONG time since I was a child in school, but I am still not over that. As I write this, all the pain I felt then because of some cruel children, I am feeling now.

Maybe if my Mom had not been such a ***** and been there for me, even a little, then MAYBE I would have been able to handle some of that. But it is what it is and it was what it was. I hate my mother. That makes me horrible, right?

In my jobs, I usually managed to do an excellent job, according to my performance reviews, but I never fit in there either. When there was a problem with my jobs, it was always with absenteeism. I was absent often because I do not belong there and because when relationships (including work relationships) get tough, I get gone. I retreat. It is what I do. I have tried to keep my head low and just do my job. But no matter where I go, there are always other people. Someone who sees I am vulnerable will always find me... and then it starts. That someone starts to pick on me, just like in school, only more sophisticated tactics are used. It slowly becomes a hostile environment where I cannot be safe and I have to leave.

I thank God for the few people who do care about me. There really are some people out there who can have pity on someone like me and who can actually be concerned that I am OK. I find that inspiring and miraculous.

Their genuine concern for me is out of a heart of charity and it is proof that not everyone is evil all of the time. I guess I know that deep down, but this world is not my home.

I do not belong here. I am no going to kill myself or anything like that, but I do so wish I could just leave. I wish I could just go away from here and either not exist or be with God who made me. The One who made me must understand what I was going to face. He must have some reason for all of this. He must love me even though I do not belong here. Otherwise, why would He make me???

Maybe I do not belong here because I belong there, with Him.

Do you think it is possible that He made me and others like me so that we could be a target for the "winners"??? Are the ones who are picked on and victimized over and over here only to help the mean ones feel superior? Are we here for their sport and amusement? Would God, could God be so cruel?

I do not think so. I hope not. God is good, right? God is love, right?

So, if I just od the best I can, I will get out of here soon enough, right? In time for .... what? I dunno. In time for the suffering to stop? Will it ever stop? REALLY?

It must. Someday it must stop. There has to be a time when I will be OK. here just does.

God knows. He is her, because He promised to never leave me. He promised. And God is the only One who cannot break a promise. He cannot lie. So He is here. He does care.

I am so broken. I cannot fix me. When will He fix me? how much longer do I wait?

Life sucks. And then you die. Just not soon enough.

Please make it stop!!!

[greentires4me]

but to him/god you are perfect in his eyes broken or wounded or not.

everything is truthful to you its how you see it and perspective is how it fits together.

I hope this helps in away or if not I am just blowing hot air out of my butt

[TheRealFDeal]

I'm very sorry for your experiences. I do not understand the cruelty of those who seemingly have to put others down in order to feel better about themselves. Surely it doesn't really work for them. I'm quite sure God did not put you here just for their amusement. That certainly doesn't fit in with a loving, accepting God. Does he provide comfort for you? If he does not, then why does he exist?

For sure, we on PC exist, and I find we are a rather nonjudgmental, supportive group. I hope you can find at least a little comfort here.

And not all mothers are worth loving. Sometimes, they are worth cutting off all contact from.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

I'm very sorry for your experiences. I do not understand the cruelty of those who seemingly have to put others down in order to feel better about themselves. Surely it doesn't really work for them. I'm quite sure God did not put you here just for their amusement. That certainly doesn't fit in with a loving, accepting God. Does he provide comfort for you? If he does not, then why does he exist?

For sure, we on PC exist, and I find we are a rather nonjudgmental, supportive group. I hope you can find at least a little comfort here.

And not all mothers are worth loving. Sometimes, they are worth cutting off all contact from.

Thankfully, my mother died several years ago. Some of my children mourned her loss. But not me. She stiffed me with her funeral too. One last way to get me. She said for decades she had insurance. In fact, she told my children she had several policies. In fact, she had none at all. So when she died, I got the bill for the funeral, which I could not afford AND my children became angry with me because they do not believe she did not have insurance, so they think I lied about is and was just being selfish!

What I do not understand is why my children would think that, when I am basically an honest person. I think I am a generous person too. In fact, one of my children says I am one of the most generous people she has ever met.

Seriously! For a long time before she died, I ept trying to get her approve of me. Not like me. I knew that would not hakppen, but just approve of one area of my life But it would not happen. I did give up. mostly, a few years before she died, but I still felt this hole in me where her approval should have been.