[ThirtyThree82]

I never really knew about borderline personality disorder before, but after doing just a little research, I think I might've finally discovered what in the hell is wrong with me. In the last year or so, I've quit 8 jobs. I have quit college over the years multiple times as well. I already had an unstable work history, but this past year, it's gotten out of control. I get excited about certain things, and days later, I hate what I was excited about. I've been struggling with this for at least 10 years, but never thought it could be true mental illness. I just thought I was indecisive and shy. I've research bi-polar, depression, and anxiety in the past, but never before have I found symptoms that match so accurately with the issues that cause me the most trouble. I have felt like a loser for the last decade of my life. I am in exactly the same position I was over 10 years ago, but worse. Now I am old enough that people will wonder what is wrong with me that I have not accomplished a single thing in my life. I feel so ashamed, and terrible that I am always letting people down. I've seen a couple of therapists in the past a few times, but talked myself out of needing help because I felt good for a little while, and I really didn't think they cared about me and could actually help me. It's getting so bad now though that I don't think I can convince myself anymore that I'm not mentally ill. I am so sick of people thinking that this is just a character flaw too. I guess I really do need help. I of course do not have insurance, so I contacted social services. I feel stupid and selfish though because my problem isn't as bad as all the other people they need to help. Thanks for listening.

[allme]

Don't feel stupid for one, these are your problems, and whether as ill or not as the next person, it doesn't make your issues any less significant. I would firstly recommend you get a proper dx. But if the glove fits, and you know yourself more than anyone, tell them!

[ThirtyThree82]

Thank you allme. I've read that's one of the traits of someone with BPD. They put everyone else's needs before their own as if they truly believe that other people are more important or more worthy or something. All I know is that I need those around me to be happy even if I'm miserable so they don't abandon me or get mad at me or whatever. So, I guess that behavior even extends to strangers for some reason. I feel that I need to step aside to let other people receive help. But I think I'm getting to a point where I'm so deflated that I can't even go on. I don't want people to be mad and resent me for having to support me. This is happening now, and I'm scared I'll end up totally alone. I'm practically almost there. It sucks too, because even though I'm not working, I try to make myself so useful. For example, I cleaned out my mom's entire garage this summer. It's not good enough though. They still want my help, but also want me to help myself and don't understand that I only have enough energy for either me or them, not both. Then, if I try to ignore them to focus on me, they call me selfish. And these are the last 2 people in my life. And trying to explain to them that I think there might be something wrong with me, they just criticize and say, "Everyone feels that way, why do you think you don't have to work? Everyone has to work. You change your mind so much. You don't know what you want. You're too sensitive." Geez, tell me something I don't know. They think it's all about willpower or something. The stress from increasingly deteriorating life circumstance which is evolving into poverty has built so much that when someone says one little thing like calls me selfish if I can't help them with something, I snap. I have to get away and cry for an hour. If they keep it up, and then complain I'm crying, I start hitting myself. Sounds ridiculous, but the rage builds up and I can't control it. I would only hurt myself though, I'd never go after anyone else. How sick is that. Proper dx would be good, I guess, but I wonder if there is even any specific treatment for this. I never stuck with behavior therapy or any therapy long enough. I start thinking that I don't need help............and then QUIT. I even wonder if disability benefits would be an option, but worry that everyone will resent me because they have to work, and I don't. My mom hates people who get disability for mental illness, and the funny thing is she has probably been mentally ill her whole life. I'd still work PT though if I found something tolerable. Doubt I'd be approved for that anyway.

[allme]

Originally Posted by ThirtyThree82

Thank you allme. I've read that's one of the traits of someone with BPD. They put everyone else's needs before their own as if they truly believe that other people are more important or more worthy or something. All I know is that I need those around me to be happy even if I'm miserable so they don't abandon me or get mad at me or whatever. So, I guess that behavior even extends to strangers for some reason. I feel that I need to step aside to let other people receive help. But I think I'm getting to a point where I'm so deflated that I can't even go on. I don't want people to be mad and resent me for having to support me. This is happening now, and I'm scared I'll end up totally alone. I'm practically almost there. It sucks too, because even though I'm not working, I try to make myself so useful. For example, I cleaned out my mom's entire garage this summer. It's not good enough though. They still want my help, but also want me to help myself and don't understand that I only have enough energy for either me or them, not both. Then, if I try to ignore them to focus on me, they call me selfish. And these are the last 2 people in my life. And trying to explain to them that I think there might be something wrong with me, they just criticize and say, "Everyone feels that way, why do you think you don't have to work? Everyone has to work. You change your mind so much. You don't know what you want. You're too sensitive." Geez, tell me something I don't know. They think it's all about willpower or something. The stress from increasingly deteriorating life circumstance which is evolving into poverty has built so much that when someone says one little thing like calls me selfish if I can't help them with something, I snap. I have to get away and cry for an hour. If they keep it up, and then complain I'm crying, I start hitting myself. Sounds ridiculous, but the rage builds up and I can't control it. I would only hurt myself though, I'd never go after anyone else. How sick is that. Proper dx would be good, I guess, but I wonder if there is even any specific treatment for this. I never stuck with behavior therapy or any therapy long enough. I start thinking that I don't need help............and then QUIT. I even wonder if disability benefits would be an option, but worry that everyone will resent me because they have to work, and I don't. My mom hates people who get disability for mental illness, and the funny thing is she has probably been mentally ill her whole life. I'd still work PT though if I found something tolerable. Doubt I'd be approved for that anyway.

Ok first of all you need to stop caring what other ppl are going to think if you have a mental illness. Don't let anyone or anything prevent you from getting the proper treatment if you need it. They will just have to deal with it! Yes there are treatments like DBT through therapy which is highly recommended. There is hope But first and most important right now, you need to see a doc and see if they confirm your fears. Don't let anything stop you from doing that! And the trick with therapy is not to give up at the first signs of it not working. You need to stick with it and allow time for it to work!

Wishing you the best of luck