Driving myself crazy...

Sometimes I hate my life... I hate just about everything about it... I hate that I'm not "normal"... I hate that I can't get through a day without crying anymore... I hate not knowing what I want until I end up with what I don't want... I hate trying to be the best, but never even reaching "good enough"... I hate that I've been expected to just smile and get through it for so long that I don't know how to do anything else... I hate how I spend most of my time feeling so alone... I hate feeling like I'm being sucked into this black hole, and nothing I do or anyone else does seems to be helping me get out... A flashlight in a coal mine isn't the same as the sun... I hate that no matter how many ways I try to say this, there's just no way for you to honestly understand...I hate that I'm scared to talk to people about what's going on because I don't want to put them in the same position I am... I hate letting everyone down... I hate seeing the blood on my hand... I hate that I hate myself that much... I hate that no matter how many people I go to, I'm still stuck living this hell.... I hate that every day, I sit there wondering who is going to hate me most, and it more often than not ends up being me... I hate that I wake up shaking and in tears multiple times a night from the nightmares I have... I hate that I live every day scared to death of something, and most of the time, I don't even know what.. I hate that I don't want to die, but I'm sick of this life... I hate it.

Take a day off from hate. Get lost in music and dancing or in a book or doing something just for you. Or just go some where/new environment and watch a movie or tv.

Today has been complete hell for me... The people I usually go to were all pissy (could be a reflection, who knows), so I got scared to go to them, and now I'm more alone than when I started...

I'm so sorry that it has been like that for you today. I hope that it gets better.