[IGotThis]

Has anybody else found themselves being more creative thanks to forums like these?

Let's face it, I was already a champ at coding what I'm trying to say so I don't have to directly say what I mean. But forums like this seem to have improved that skill even more... We're not supposed to post about suicide and what we want to do to ourselves... Not directly at least.... So what do we do? We get creative... I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing... All I know is it is getting harder and harder for me to say what I really mean in real life because I've been thinking so much about how I can code things on here.... I'm curious is why one else has that problem...

[allme]

Hiya....can't say I have had the same problem. I have carried some stuff on here into real life though. I have been triggered before and then obviously it carries over into real life but I can't say I do the getting creative thing.

Is this becoming a problem for you?

[Lmats]

The one that that this forum does for me that no one else has been able to do for me is put my own feelings into words. If I can't express my own thoughts properly, I get really frustrated with myself. Sometimes I read over the responses of other people and see that they have described the way I feel so flawlessly that it almost makes me feel better to some extent.

When it comes to creativity, I can't really say I do the same thing as you. I do, however, sometimes think of things that I think would be interesting discussion and think about how I'd post it on these forums, but then I just get scared off because I'm really scared of triggering someone or offending someone somehow.

[IGotThis]

I definitely use the ways other people describe things as a way to describe myself, but I've found "normal" people don't always understand that, either, so in yet another attempt to explain it, I feel like I'm getting farther and farther from what I mean sometimes...

It's not really a problem, because I at least have someone who realizes when I'm coding things, and although she doesn't necessarily understand the code, she almost always asks if I'm saying exactly what I mean if she's not sure...

[HD7970GHZ]

Definitely agree with this thread!

This forum is like a journal to me. Flexing some intellectual and emotional outlets makes me feel better for sure. You're right, certain limitations surrounding particulars and anonymity - but all in good faith.

By code - do you mean subtext? Like - words are only words but like minded people with similar experiences know how to decipher the words and understand you on a more personal and profound level?

For example: your ability to relate to other BPDer's - with a minimal amount of explanation - and vice versa?

I think you're a great communicator.

I think it's much easier to explain myself on here when I can take my time, and think out the best way to describe something. Like writing a letter - you write a letter for many reasons - but mainly so you can say something meaningful without all the jargon and explanation. The whole, "LESS IS MORE," bit...

I wonder, do you feel that by expressing yourself on this forum - that you are in some way debilitating your ability to express yourself in person? Is that what you mean? I understand that we all need to communicate differently when in different situations and cirumstances, or when the means of communication are limited to specific limitations and boundaries - but you shouldn't feel as though it's debillitating, or cause for concern in your ability to explain yourself in person.

Is that what you are saying above? Please clarify. Words to me are considered verbal communication and typically it only makes up about 20% of all communication - while nonverbal makes up 80% - so misinterpretations are paramount in the land of emails, text messages and voice mail. And forums...

Thanks
Hd7970ghz

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by IGotThis

Has anybody else found themselves being more creative thanks to forums like these?

Let's face it, I was already a champ at coding what I'm trying to say so I don't have to directly say what I mean. But forums like this seem to have improved that skill even more... We're not supposed to post about suicide and what we want to do to ourselves... Not directly at least.... So what do we do? We get creative... I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing... All I know is it is getting harder and harder for me to say what I really mean in real life because I've been thinking so much about how I can code things on here.... I'm curious is why one else has that problem...

Yes! Although, I'm not sure I would call what I do coding it's simply creative writing with a purpose/intent behind it more for me than anyone else. I don't have any problems being direct and to the point or saying whatever strikes me in the moment.

I'm not sure what you're doing is a good thing, because you're NOT saying what you really mean. You're finding creative ways to skirt around the issue. This could lead to confusion, misunderstanding or irritation for the listener which could possibly lead to frustration for you. It could also be perceived as playing a game.

[IGotThis]

Originally Posted by cboxpalace

Yes! Although, I'm not sure I would call what I do coding it's simply creative writing with a purpose/intent behind it more for me than anyone else. I don't have any problems being direct and to the point or saying whatever strikes me in the moment.

I'm not sure what you're doing is a good thing, because you're NOT saying what you really mean. You're finding creative ways to skirt around the issue. This could lead to confusion, misunderstanding or irritation for the listener which could possibly lead to frustration for you. It could also be perceived as playing a game.

It has been perceived as playing before, but that person is the one that knows what's going on, and knows that if it seems like I'm playing games, she needs to ask, because I don't mean it...

I call it coding because I mean something other than what I'm saying, but both meanings are true... I have always had problems being direct and to the point, even when I was little... I honestly do try, I'm just usually not successful, and it takes twelve tries to get out what I'm actually saying...

[IGotThis]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Definitely agree with this thread!

This forum is like a journal to me. Flexing some intellectual and emotional outlets makes me feel better for sure. You're right, certain limitations surrounding particulars and anonymity - but all in good faith.

By code - do you mean subtext? Like - words are only words but like minded people with similar experiences know how to decipher the words and understand you on a more personal and profound level?

For example: your ability to relate to other BPDer's - with a minimal amount of explanation - and vice versa?

I think you're a great communicator.

I think it's much easier to explain myself on here when I can take my time, and think out the best way to describe something. Like writing a letter - you write a letter for many reasons - but mainly so you can say something meaningful without all the jargon and explanation. The whole, "LESS IS MORE," bit...

I wonder, do you feel that by expressing yourself on this forum - that you are in some way debilitating your ability to express yourself in person? Is that what you mean? I understand that we all need to communicate differently when in different situations and cirumstances, or when the means of communication are limited to specific limitations and boundaries - but you shouldn't feel as though it's debillitating, or cause for concern in your ability to explain yourself in person.

Is that what you are saying above? Please clarify. Words to me are considered verbal communication and typically it only makes up about 20% of all communication - while nonverbal makes up 80% - so misinterpretations are paramount in the land of emails, text messages and voice mail. And forums...

Thanks
Hd7970ghz

Kind of- like if I post on here that I am feeling so unbearably alone that I just can't take it, even though I am at my best friend's house for dinner, I know I don't have to try and explain how hard that is, because other people on here understand exactly what I mean... When I said I am feeling unbearably alone even though I'm at my best friends house for dinner to anyone else, I automatically get "how do you feel alone if you are with somebody? That has to give you some relief, right?"... So then I have to find some way to explain it that doesn't make them think I am just crazy, but that also shows the intensity of it, and usually that explanation is so off the wall that it makes no sense.. But if I put that same explanation on here, most people would know exactly what I mean, and probably have even had my same issues in explaining it....

I don't feel this forum is making it worse as in I am coding things more... I feel like it's making me lazier though, because other people are saying things for me... I'm not working as hard to find explanations because I'm just smashing other peoples together to say what I mean...

I write letters all the time... Even when I was young, if I was scared to talk to somebody about something, I would write them a letter... That is usually just because I never know the words I'm trying to say... Therapy is always hard for me because it takes me so long to reply to everything she asks...

[HD7970GHZ]

Igotthis,

I'm sorry if I said too much and didn't let you speak. I can ramble and say too much .

I would like to hear more about how you feel lonely despite being around your friends - dinner, movie, wherever, whenever...

I think you've alluded to an extremely important part of your recovery - and even if someone posts something here - and you feel as though it may have (in some way) taken away your ability to explore your own conflicts: just know that you still have a lot to say. Please say what's on your mind.

I genuinely want to hear more.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[IGotThis]

I don't mind the super long ramble one bit. That's exactly how I work, so it's really easy for me to listen that way without getting upset, especially when it's written. You absolutely didn't say too much, no worries!!

I have a ton to say, and I know I do, I just have no idea how to say it. I appreciate the posts on here because there are always other ways to explain the same things I'm feeling already on here..

I guess with the lonely thing, I try hard not to isolate myself, but I still feel so lonely I may as well be hiding in a tiny little room with no oxygen... Like right now, I'm at my friend Katie's house, yet I feel like I have to be posting on here because I feel like I don't exist even though I'm here... I need to exist somewhere.sz

[HD7970GHZ]

Igotthis,

Thank you for clarifying.

I just want you to know, one of the reasons why I write so much is because I like reading long posts myself. I like it when someone else elaborates on something so simple as this very thing... The reason why I like when someone elaborates - is exactly how you stated it, "I appreciate the posts on here because there are always other ways to explain the same things I'm feeling already on here..."

If anything - it makes me feel less alone.

My only hope in elaborating - is that I can, "plant seeds," in the minds of those reading these posts: because if anything can help [me] the most - it is those, "small," things that other people say - that come back to my awareness and allow me to react differently than I normally would - when an event, trigger or troubling situation occurs in my life.

As in: knowing what helps [me] - guides [me] to elaborate in ways that would help [you] - (if I were to assume you are me) - and knowing that other people on this forum are just like [me] - I can trust that what I say on these forums should, could, can: (in some way) benefit others, too.

I find that when something is said - that resonates - it can lead to potential discoveries in my own habits, and awareness and thinking processes. And the best way to do that (in my opinion) - to reach a wider target audience [despite all of us suffering from the same issues, primarily speaking: Borderline] is by putting out there, as many, "small," things as possible... By doing this - my hopes are that, "something," I say: will help someone - [[[[[given that we all have our own individual situations, circumstances, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, thinking patterns, ways of relating with the world - with ourselves and with others]]]]] - and in turn - may help that person, [as an individual on their own path, with their own experiences and interpretations of these very words] and that then - can help in some small way.

Anyways, done with that crap, onto more important matters!

So right now - you're at your friend's house. And currently you still feel the need to look online, and write on this forum. Obviously there is, 'something,' you are getting from this forum that you are not getting from being with your friend, at her home...

Let's look at this in the most simplest form possible:

Right now - you have a close, "physical," bond with your friend - as in - proximity. You are NOT physically alone - at this very moment. You are around your friend. Therefore, you have [in some way or another] your physical closeness - needs met: being that you are NOT currently - physically alone...

However, you are still reaching out to this forum for, 'something,' else... 'Something,' about this forum - gives you, 'something,' that your friend cannot [currently] give to you. [Keep in mind - that this is, 'something,' that you CAN get from your friend]

I have my own idea of what that, 'something,' may be... However, in light of what you have posted - I think it would be best if you did some reflection and thought about it - because I am me - and you are you - and as much as I think I know who you are - I really do not. Only you do.

Let me know what you think that, 'something,' is. I am genuinely interested in hearing what you come up with.

This is not a trick question - really just ponder what it is that you get from this forum that you don't get from your friend. Because there is definitely, 'something.'

Thanks,
HD7970Ghz

[IGotThis]

I mean, I feel like when I get on here, for the most part, I feel like I'm understood... I feel like the intensity of my emotions actually means something here... I feel like I can say I'm having a terrible time fighting the urge to kill myself, and I don't get the feeling like everyone here is judging me for it.... I can openly talk about my issues with SI without getting the look like I'm some crazy person...

While my friends do a good job of not SAYING any of those things, I still get very scared about them anyways...

I am really good at "happy facing it" where I can have a full conversation and you wouldn't know a single thing was wrong, and would actually think I was in a really good mood, when really, I'm falling apart... And I can't control the happy face.... I've been doing it at least since I was 6, and it's so practiced it's perfected and automatic...

Even when I talk to her, and I'm telling her what is going on, I feel like she doesn't understand because she's never been through any of this... And while she tries, she gets tired really quickly of hearing what's going on with me.... I have less of that on here....