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#1
Nov 01, 2013, 10:47 PM
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So I feel like s*** right now.
I am trying to reply to Laura's emails tonight, and I can't get past this.... I had sent her my feelings about her reaction to my promise (the "Am I That Stupid" thread if you want to see it), and she replied to the "it was you taking care of me like you used to" by telling me she doesn't remember ever taking care of me... She said she was just helping me "get over the hump," and she could give me everything she had for a while to help me, but now she is regretting ever giving me that much of her time and attention because I am missing that contact... I'm just feeling so worthless and unimportant and stupid... I thought she cared about me... I put myself out there because she was there, and she promised she would stick around, but now she's saying she regrets it... How could I be stupid enough to trust that she really wanted me around? I should have realized that just because she said it doesn't mean she meant it. I shouldn't have fallen for it when I thought she cared about me. I shouldn't have let myself believe that someone would actually care about me enough to take care of me. I'm so stupid. I knew better. I did. But I wanted to believe it so bad... And now I'm back to broken again... Why did I let the wall down??? I should have just kept it up and taken the pills... I should have just driven off the road... She wouldn't regret have to regret caring about me if I just wasn't here.
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
 Anonymous13579, Fuzzybear
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#2
Nov 02, 2013, 02:22 AM
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Don't say those things! I am so incredibly sorry she did this- I know how hurt you must be. I'm sure you either want to lash out and destroy her verbally or that you want to turn that all inward and make hurt yourself. I know how unloved and abandoned you must feel, we've all been there. YOU ARE WORTH LOVING. Just because she did this to you does not mean you aren't worth being loved and cared for. You will find this. You have all of us here and I am here for you. Maybe try to journal for a while or if that's too hard, go for a walk or just try and sleep. You'll get through this- I know you can!
Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk
__________________
 Am I the only one I know, waging my wars behind my face and above my throat? Diagnosed: BPD PTSD |
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#3
Nov 02, 2013, 03:22 AM
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I've been following your situation, new friend.
I'm so sorry that she's engaging in this push/pull thing. I think she likely does care, but she's burned out. She's mistaken for not setting some minor boundries to help things before becoming so burned out I think. I think distraction and temparly cutting off contact may be the only way to save the friendship. I know that's hard to hear, but I've been through similar. Here to listen. |
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#4
Nov 02, 2013, 04:02 AM
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I don't think she is saying that she regrets helping you out. But maybe it's more the level of help that she gave at the time, she didn't realise that she wouldn't be able to keep it up. And now that she has realised it's too late as you have become more dependant on that level of help that she can no longer provide. Does that make sense?
I understand that its hard though and I would probably have those same thoughts. Hang in there 
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#5
Nov 02, 2013, 07:37 AM
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Quote:
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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#6
Nov 02, 2013, 07:39 AM
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Quote:
Unfortunately, I can't just cut off contact, because she is my dance teacher. I see her every week...
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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#7
Nov 02, 2013, 07:49 AM
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Quote:
I journaled, and I replied to her as best as I could without lashing out, although I'm not sure how well that worked... I'll have to check... I just hate myself for making her regret being here for me.... She is one of the most patient people I have met, so thinking about having done that much to her that she regrets it, although completely unintentional, just kills me... It was midnight when I first posted, so I just tossed and turned for a while, and finally knocked myself out with some sleeping pills... But I have stuff to do today... I can't just sleep forever (although that would be wonderful)... So I'm just gonna have to sit and think about it... I'm working later... But I'm a cashier at a not so busy gas station... So it won't be a distraction at all...
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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#8
Nov 02, 2013, 08:10 AM
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I'm sorry. Even though separation is difficult, I agree that distance may be good for a while. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to handle BPD and I think she is so maybe after some space you could approach her and mention you want to maintain a bond but want to create a plan to make some healthy boundaries. Worth a shot I think, she really does care about you
Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk
__________________
Am I the only one I know, waging my wars behind my face and above my throat? Diagnosed: BPD PTSD |
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#9
Nov 02, 2013, 08:13 AM
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I'm sorry you're going through this
I wish your friend could understand how hurtful and detrimental saying those things can be to people like us. All I can think do is maybe back off her for a bit and give her a little space. She does sound like she cares so I don't think she'll abandon you. It's just easy to become overwhelmed with us. Good luck sweetie.
__________________
Allie Diagnosed: Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Obsessive Compulsive Disoder. Previous: Borderline Personality Disorder. I no longer qualify for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, but there will always be my borderline traits that I struggle with especially during times of great stress. I've been working passionately as a therapist since December 2016
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#10
Nov 02, 2013, 08:18 AM
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Like I said, I don't know how I can give her that space with still seeing her every week.... It'll kill me to see her and not be able to talk to her... That's part of what got me to such a low place last year... I thought she hated me so I was scared to talk to her so I hated myself and lashed out a little at her and took the rest out on myself... Being able to talk to her and have that constant is honestly what has kept me alive... I don't know how to see her every week and not feel that way and act that way towards her....
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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#11
Nov 02, 2013, 08:24 AM
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Quote:
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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#12
Nov 02, 2013, 08:42 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Allie Diagnosed: Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Obsessive Compulsive Disoder. Previous: Borderline Personality Disorder. I no longer qualify for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, but there will always be my borderline traits that I struggle with especially during times of great stress. I've been working passionately as a therapist since December 2016
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#13
Nov 02, 2013, 08:59 AM
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Quote:
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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#14
Nov 02, 2013, 09:33 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Allie Diagnosed: Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Obsessive Compulsive Disoder. Previous: Borderline Personality Disorder. I no longer qualify for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, but there will always be my borderline traits that I struggle with especially during times of great stress. I've been working passionately as a therapist since December 2016
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#15
Nov 02, 2013, 09:34 AM
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Unfortunately
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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#16
Nov 02, 2013, 10:08 AM
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The good news is you're here and you have many here who are thinking of you and wish you nothing but good things.
Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk
__________________
Am I the only one I know, waging my wars behind my face and above my throat? Diagnosed: BPD PTSD |
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#17
Nov 02, 2013, 11:13 AM
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I just don't know what to do. I can't get past this... I just wanna cry... And not stop... And go to sleep and never wake up.
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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#18
Nov 02, 2013, 11:21 AM
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You can get past this. It might not be easy and it won't happen straight away but you will get past this. Just hang in there ok. You have been there for me in some of my darkest times, let me return the favour now
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#19
Nov 02, 2013, 11:33 AM
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You're not alone, even if it feels that way. I'm here for you. That's not changing either.
 Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk
__________________
Am I the only one I know, waging my wars behind my face and above my throat? Diagnosed: BPD PTSD |
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#20
Nov 02, 2013, 01:59 PM
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Thanks guys... I just feel so trapped in this....
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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#21
Nov 02, 2013, 02:54 PM
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I know, just keep talking to us, you're not alone
I know it's not the same but it's the best we can offer to be here for you Are you safe? |
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#22
Nov 02, 2013, 03:24 PM
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I know.... thank you...
I am at work now, then I'm going shopping with my friend
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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#23
Nov 02, 2013, 08:42 PM
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So I went shopping with my friend... While we were out, a song came on in one of the stores, and she said "this is a song about how you can love someone and completely hate them at the same time- like our relationship right now"... I thought our relationship was fine, so I said "what?" And she just goes "you're just really bothering me right now"... I had just gotten through telling her how good she looked in a coat that she really wanted. I didn't realize I was frustrating her so much...
I hate that I can't even go shopping without being told I'm not good enough... I know she didn't technically say that, but with the exception of a quick checkin when I first got to her house, I've been careful to keep the happy face, so how am I irritating her so damn much?!
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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#24
Nov 02, 2013, 10:26 PM
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Try not to let it get you down. She may have not known everything that's been going on with you lately. Sometimes, for no reasons at all, friends can bum you out or irritate you- it usually has NOTHING to actually do with you. You are good enough exactly as you are.
Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk
__________________
Am I the only one I know, waging my wars behind my face and above my throat? Diagnosed: BPD PTSD |
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#25
Nov 02, 2013, 10:51 PM
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Quote:
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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