[atomicc]

Today in therapy for the first time I talked about the sexual traumas I have experienced. I cringed even writing that. Until recently (and actually still..though I am trying) I never thought of these things as abuse or rape because I blamed myself. I won't go into detail here about my most painful experience but despite being extremely scared and carrying through with what these boys asked in order to go home, I still feel like I was asking for it.
My T told me that in order to start to heal from these traumas that I have to really sit with the emotions they cause me when I think about them. I'm finding it very difficult to do this without cringing and immediately wanting to avoid the topic.
Does anyone have any advice on how to sit with these emotions and really deal with them rather trying to run away and pretend it never happened?
I know that this would be better served perhaps in the abuse forum but I know that so many of us who are BPD have experienced trauma and I trust you all and the advice you can give. Thank you all for reading.

[technigal]

I am not much of a writer but I found when I was preparing for the trial and reliving things on a daily basis that writing things down helped. There was something tangible that I showed what I had lived through. The police also gave me a special teddy bear. Whenever I have flashbacks that is the bear I hold onto. It really helps. I actually had the bear on my lap when I was cross-examined which helped with the overwhelming feelings.

it is not easy but you will be able to deal with things.

[Neweesmea88]

It's very hard to face these kind of feelings, and hard to focus on them because the mind automatically shies away from that kind of pain. I had trouble thinking about an abusive ex so one day I just sat down and wrote a letter full of all the things I wanted to say to him. It was easier to face the pain with a task to focus on and releasing all that rage was cathartic. I hope this helps! Feel better!

[atomicc]

Thank you both for your replies. I am sorry you have also dealt with such hurt. I think I will try writing some things down, though it's very difficult because then I feel like it's real. It's so much easier to blame myself and not see it as "rape", just me being stupid and a people pleaser. My T also said sharing helps and I should continue to share with her and supportive friends but I only have one friend and I already talked her ear off enough about this.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by atomicc

Thank you both for your replies. I am sorry you have also dealt with such hurt. I think I will try writing some things down, though it's very difficult because then I feel like it's real. It's so much easier to blame myself and not see it as "rape", just me being stupid and a people pleaser. My T also said sharing helps and I should continue to share with her and supportive friends but I only have one friend and I already talked her ear off enough about this.

So talk to us. If you want PM me, I don't shock easily and I have btdt.

[henrydavidtherobot]

I'd suggest looking into support groups in your area.

In addition, as a writer, I find it hard (often debilitating) to write about the hard stuff. However, if I push past the tears, I find it easier to move on and reflect. I think it's too easy to get caught up in sadness when journaling. Maybe you could try poetry?

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by atomicc

Today in therapy for the first time I talked about the sexual traumas I have experienced. I cringed even writing that. Until recently (and actually still..though I am trying) I never thought of these things as abuse or rape because I blamed myself. I won't go into detail here about my most painful experience but despite being extremely scared and carrying through with what these boys asked in order to go home, I still feel like I was asking for it.
My T told me that in order to start to heal from these traumas that I have to really sit with the emotions they cause me when I think about them. I'm finding it very difficult to do this without cringing and immediately wanting to avoid the topic.
Does anyone have any advice on how to sit with these emotions and really deal with them rather trying to run away and pretend it never happened?
I know that this would be better served perhaps in the abuse forum but I know that so many of us who are BPD have experienced trauma and I trust you all and the advice you can give. Thank you all for reading.

When I was first dealing with recovery from my child sexual abuse, my T told me the same thing. She said it was like I had stuffed all the feelings I had about it into a box, and the lid was about to come off. She said most of my behavior stemmed from doing everything in my power to keep the lid on so I didn't have to endure the pain. When I finally began to deal with these emotions, I was terrified of not being able to deal with them. The one thing that helped me is knowing they would pass. Moods and emotions are transient and constantly changing. Something that can be helpful is observing them, seeing how the waves swell and then subside, experiencing it through its entirety and realizing that the intensity changes. Maybe try journaling about that. Remember, it's okay to cry, and it's okay to feel.

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[Fuzzybear]