*note, may be long. Just getting my thoughts out...*

Ok so anyone here that has been watching and reading my posts for any length of time, knows that I've been through a lot in the past 2 or so years. I've come out of it, grown stronger and have been going along pretty well of late. I've come into my own as a single father, and although I have much to improve in that area and many others, I really am pulling things together.

All that being said, I had a serious rude awakening this weekend related to the fact that my wonderful friend, my BPD, is still with me. Yeah when you're alone, you're being independent and working on yourself a lot of the things related to the disorder fade into the background quite a bit. I'm here to tell you though, do not be fooled. It is a sinister monster, waiting to be nudged, prodded or poked into waking up at any time. It is a monster that does not wake quietly but rears back, like a big black demon baring it's fangs at the slightest of provocation. And. After all that progress, you. will. not. be. ready for it. No, not at all. It is there poised and ready with its claws unsheathed waiting to rip your life, you and everything in it's path, to shreds. It almost did to me.. I wasn't ready.

If you follow my threads here and on the relationships forum, you know that recently I've grown quite fond of a girl online. One whom I spend a great deal of time with and I might say, she seems to be quite fond of me also. In spite of all the positive things that she says by way of showing her caring, her attraction to me and everything, even the encouraging words from people here, my friends elsewhere, doubt remains. Because. unworthiness.

When she is there, online, talking to me, doubts mostlly melt away by her clearly showing her interest and desire to be here, with me, of all people. :/ But doubts always rise up when she leaves unexpectedly, when she's gone for longer than I expect, etc.

This weekend was the worst of it. Saturday, she got on my computer, via remote control (I had asked for her help) and worked on getting my computer cleaned up and working better. In all of this Windows wanted to install a crap load of updates I'd been ignoring >.> and she went ahead and did so.. cut to the chase, after all had been done, I rebooted, and ... computer failed. I could not get on my computer, for hours.. I was sent into a panic. I'm a total techno geek so my computer being down, is like cutting off a part of my body that i need. o.O you think I kid but no. So on top of not being able to get on my computer, I had no way to tell her I could not. Panic x10 now. So frantically I try to find a way... I realized I could log onto my kids' computers and get on Steam and let her know. I did so. She was, well... away. >.< yeah needless to say, that didn't make anything better! I left a note about my computer and continued to look for ways to get it working again. I was reeling. Throughout the hours it took, I got on Steam on and off, kicking my kid off the computer for a few minutes... and checked the messages. All this time, no reply from her. All kinds of panic ridden, abandonment fear-inducing thoughts and "what ifs" went through my head.

Finally I was able to get on and it was working again. I was still pretty frazzled to put it mildly and very much on edge. She was still not back and I had already surmized in my own head that she had been away intentionally for [fill in the blanks with your own fears] reasons. Funny thing, I knew, this whole time, I was making things up, it was irrational, it was illogical. But nevertheless, I was reminded how, once I spiral out of control, no amount of rational thinking or logical reasoning would break me out of it.

I won't make this too much longer as there is so much more that happened as a result of my faulty thinking but let me summarize the rest. In the remaining weekend, I did not sleep well that night, I woke still very depressed and down, analyzing and overthinking every pause, every moment of her absence. She was on and off all weekend and even as she clearly once again showed interest as usual it could not touch my depression. :/ I unfriended one of my other friends in all of this after lashing out at him for trying to "talk me out of depression" and although that is mended, it was not a pretty sight.

In the end, I'm reminded of what I have, BPD. That girls, women, that I am very interested in and involved with will set me off, because of it. But also in the end, as I told my friend afterward. I NEED TO GET AHOLD OF MYSELF. I have to take control of my behaviors. She is important enough for me to change, and God knows, I have to or I can bet the bank that I will lose her too.

I cannot go on like this. I would not wish myself on anyone as a mate/partner if I cannot change this. Pray for me to gain control and command of this behavior.

Oh and I might add, in spite of all that I feared, first thing in the morning today, she messaged me, looking for me, apparently waiting for me to get online And all is good with the world.

Thanks for listening. Sorry for the ramble
~S4

[lynn808]

Wishing you a wonderful day.... I completely understand your feelings and while I cant make it go away, I hope you can deal better and better every day. Panic is the worst enemy. Take care now.

[hawaii04]

I so understand, to the point where when you were describing your panic, etc., here not being there again . . . I actually felt it myself as I know the feeling all too well.
It is a sinister monster, waiting to be nudged, prodded or poked into waking up at any time. It is a monster that does not wake quietly but rears back, like a big black demon baring it's fangs at the slightest of provocation. And. After all that progress, you. will. not. be. ready for it. No, not at all. It is there poised and ready with its claws unsheathed waiting to rip your life, you and everything in it's path, to shreds.
I like this accurate, ugly description of this BPD that thrives within us.
It is unfortunate that we must have those reminders; though it wasn't easy, you made it through and I'm so glad circumstances smoothened out for you. YAY!

Originally Posted by hawaii04

I like this accurate, ugly description of this BPD that thrives within us.
It is unfortunate that we must have those reminders; though it wasn't easy, you made it through and I'm so glad circumstances smoothened out for you. YAY!

Thank you, I am happy that I reached the other side of that seemingly endless dark tunnel! HEY! THERE IS A LIGHT THERE!

[duende]

I can totally feel you on this one. Ugh. I was starting to get anxious as I read through. I know you know this, but I'm going to say it anyway..you're not alone going through this particular thing.

So glad you're on the other side of that though! Oh, and good luck!

Originally Posted by duende

I can totally feel you on this one. Ugh. I was starting to get anxious as I read through. I know you know this, but I'm going to say it anyway..you're not alone going through this particular thing.

So glad you're on the other side of that though! Oh, and good luck!

Thanks, part of why I posted. I know many of you may feel something similar at times.

[Aventurine]

Ohhhh I totally get it.. I felt your angst over this too. I try and remind myself that the last time I felt this freaking anxious over a situation and dreamed up myriad reasons as to why I haven't been responded to yet..etc, that it is rarely the worse case scenario that I conjure in my head..and remind myself that everything will be ok in the end, as it is today for you.. I also I try and find a distraction.. It works..sometimes,

you're right about feeling like your on top of things only to have that feeling ripped away at a moments notice. Its like you're cruising along and suddenly step on a landmine. unfortunately these landmines are everywhere and we can never tell when we are going to end up in an anxious self-destructing mess.. Then we are laying on the ground paralysed, waiting for someone to come along and pick up the pieces.. It is truly horrible.

[JustForNow!]

I know how this ugly monster can raise its ugly head out of the blue. I feel for you. I've had this happen as well, just when I thought I was getting better!

So, with BPD it's all relative. Getting better to me means, that my self-destructive behavior is less and less, but never gone. It means that my melt-down rebounds take less time before I'm back to stable (all relative). And it means that I only have one friend left, but I still have that one friend, and am making another friend.

So, it's always there...always....it's just better controlled sometimes