[jean17]

Thinking over my past 40-odd years . . . I have fallen for men quick & hard. As soon as one showed me the least attention I did, said & thought anything that he wanted me to. I would abandon completely all family, friends and even my morals in an effort to be everything to this person. Then after days or months or years most of them betrayed me and I left the relationship vowing never to do it again until another man noticed me.

Is this a symptom of our mental illness? Isn't it better not to try again after so many attempts and failing. I am absolutely mortified over some of the things I've done to try to keep a man happy with me. I hate myself. I just want to be left alone. I feel so humiliated.

[beloiseau]

I think impulsivity in relationships and poor self-image are definitely part of BPD. We have all done things we regret with men, or women. I'm trying to be OK by myself instead of determining my happiness based upon a relationship. I need to be OK without a man, to be OK with a man. Don't be humiliated, use your experiences as learning experiences and try to do better.

Originally Posted by jean17

Thinking over my past 40-odd years . . . I have fallen for men quick & hard. As soon as one showed me the least attention I did, said & thought anything that he wanted me to. I would abandon completely all family, friends and even my morals in an effort to be everything to this person. Then after days or months or years most of them betrayed me and I left the relationship vowing never to do it again until another man noticed me.

Is this a symptom of our mental illness? Isn't it better not to try again after so many attempts and failing. I am absolutely mortified over some of the things I've done to try to keep a man happy with me. I hate myself. I just want to be left alone. I feel so humiliated.

Jean,

I do not even have to MEET a person and I can "fall for them".... It is the nature of the beast that we call bpd. How many times have you had feelings for someone online? Or talked to on the phone or just saw driving down the road?

[lynn808]

Originally Posted by jean17

Thinking over my past 40-odd years . . . I have fallen for men quick & hard. As soon as one showed me the least attention I did, said & thought anything that he wanted me to. I would abandon completely all family, friends and even my morals in an effort to be everything to this person. Then after days or months or years most of them betrayed me and I left the relationship vowing never to do it again until another man noticed me.

Is this a symptom of our mental illness? Isn't it better not to try again after so many attempts and failing. I am absolutely mortified over some of the things I've done to try to keep a man happy with me. I hate myself. I just want to be left alone. I feel so humiliated.

Hi Jean... I also think this goes with the territory...all emotions are just so damned magnified...and then scrutinized....then beat into the ground...then scrutinized more...then always found wanting......
emotions come hard and fast and we hurt ourselves the most...these feelings with men who we let control us and hurt us...or is it something we are doing to ourselves....
ahhh there I go...doubting myself again...blaming myself again...not measuring up....a viscous cycle.....I digress.....sorry...
I yearn for love and acceptance at any cost....yes.

[Maranara]

I does go with the territory. I form attachments to people very fast and the last few years they've almost all been internet-based. Once I am attached to them, there is absolutely nothing I won't do for them. It's about that time that they decide they've had enough and leave. It's very, very hard and a viscious cycle.

[*zer0*]

I believe it is part of the disorder. With my first boyfriend in high school, I fell super fast and hard before I truly got to knew him. I thought he was a saint, but now six years later he's in prison for statutory rape (great guy ) Since then I either fall almost as fast and put an extreme amount of effort into the relationship or completely push the person away emotionally and use them sexually. It all sounds very BPD to me.

[UnderTheRose]

oh yeah, im there.. then again, after i've fallen hard and fast for someone (even online) , i can suddenly hate them and push them awayif they say something to trigger my insecurities. And the other fun thing.. if due to life circumstances.. too much time passes in bewteen seeing/talking to them, it becomes an 'out of sight, out of mind' thing and i attach to someone else. Of course, the relationship will then come up to poke me in the back some time later and I'll suddenly feel HORRIBLE and want them back more than anything. I feel like I just don't even know who i am most of the time.

[Wingnut13]

Originally Posted by jean17

Thinking over my past 40-odd years . . . I have fallen for men quick & hard. As soon as one showed me the least attention I did, said & thought anything that he wanted me to. I would abandon completely all family, friends and even my morals in an effort to be everything to this person. Then after days or months or years most of them betrayed me and I left the relationship vowing never to do it again until another man noticed me.

Is this a symptom of our mental illness? Isn't it better not to try again after so many attempts and failing. I am absolutely mortified over some of the things I've done to try to keep a man happy with me. I hate myself. I just want to be left alone. I feel so humiliated.

From a mans point of view,I do exactly the same thing. My wife died in Sept. 2011 and I started dating again last summer. Every woman I have met have all been from online. Every one of them have all started out very hot and before I knew what was happening I was saying "I love you". And I was doing whatever they wanted me to do just so they wouldn't leave me. Even though I did everything they wanted me to do(including things I don't like) and said what they wanted me to,all of those relationships have ended in disaster. Then I end up beating myself up trying to figure what went wrong,why didn't she fall in love with me. And then I end up hating myself for doing it. I have found out the hard way that some women can be mean and hurtful.
So,you are not alone on this issue. I wish I could stand being alone but I can't. I am terrified to be alone.
Hope you find the right man for you.

[hawaii04]

I have always tried real hard to keep my relationships. I would talk to my partner about what I felt we were lacking, etc. When my partner wouldn't meet me half way with my needs, I lost that loving feeling as I always took it personally, as if I/we didn't matter. Barely having gotten through with the previous one, there was another to fill the emptiness and cover up the pain. It has been so unintentional, yet appears as a well played role of sorts. It is so unwanted, but so easy as are other aspects of BPD. The needed and wanted is so much more difficult to entirely grasp adequately. Yes, sometimes it seems that nothing else matters as much and we're willing to jeopardize many things for the sake of attention/love.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by jean17

Thinking over my past 40-odd years . . . I have fallen for men quick & hard. As soon as one showed me the least attention I did, said & thought anything that he wanted me to. I would abandon completely all family, friends and even my morals in an effort to be everything to this person. Then after days or months or years most of them betrayed me and I left the relationship vowing never to do it again until another man noticed me.

Is this a symptom of our mental illness? Isn't it better not to try again after so many attempts and failing. I am absolutely mortified over some of the things I've done to try to keep a man happy with me. I hate myself. I just want to be left alone. I feel so humiliated.

I have the same issue. Any attention I get from a guy, I think I'm in love. Now that I'm in a committed relationship, I stay away from ALL men. The only time I'm around a man is if my fiance is there with me. Even my fiance's best friend...he always is hugging me and telling me he loves me. I "know" it's innocent, but it doesn't "feel" innocent. I actually started having fantasies about this friends, and I felt so ashamed that I told my fiance and I told him he has to keep him away from me.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by jean17

Thinking over my past 40-odd years . . . I have fallen for men quick & hard. As soon as one showed me the least attention I did, said & thought anything that he wanted me to. I would abandon completely all family, friends and even my morals in an effort to be everything to this person. Then after days or months or years most of them betrayed me and I left the relationship vowing never to do it again until another man noticed me.

Is this a symptom of our mental illness? Isn't it better not to try again after so many attempts and failing. I am absolutely mortified over some of the things I've done to try to keep a man happy with me. I hate myself. I just want to be left alone. I feel so humiliated.

Don't hate yourself. Until I met my boyfriend and started dating someone who understood BPD and what I was going through and how to help me stay balanced, I did this all the time.

For example, I'll tell you about my ex. I fell HARD and FAST. I moved in with him after only a couple months, and quit a really good job that I had to stay home and take care of our kids (we both had a son a piece). As time progressed, I realized he wasn't the man I thought he was. He constantly demeaned me, minimized my contributions to the house, and had an almost constant wandering eye. After being coerced into a 3some and a nasty experience at a strip club, he kicked my son and I out in the middle of the night, with a car that hardly worked and nowhere to go. I gave up my home, my job, moved cities, and he hurt me so badly by deserting me in such a way. I ended up on my mom's doorstep in the middle of the night, and she took me and my son in.

It didn't stop there. After the split, for a few months he gave me the impression that we were going to reconcile. I continued driving to another city try and work things out, and he basically ended up using me as a babysitter, a cleaning lady, and to get laid.

I later found out after pressuring him for us to start going on dates again, that he found it embarrassing to be with me, and on the nights I didn't make the 45 minute drive up there, he was sleeping with other woman.

This is typical of many BPD relationships. We constantly put people on pedestals who don't deserve it and who end up hurting us deeply. The only way to stop this behavior (and the ensuing pain caused by it), is to learn to stop putting people there. No one is going to be everything for us, and to stop, you have to start investing as much in yourself as others.

Don't beat yourself up, this is normal for BPD. You can make a new normal for yourself. I did.

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

[technigal]

I agree with all the previous posts. I was the same way until I met my husband when I was 31, we have now been together 13 years. I think the reason we are still together is because of my husband. I have pushed him away many times. It is only now knowing my diagnosis that things are improving for us.

[Longing2Exhale]

Hugssssss

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk

[Longing2Exhale]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

Jean,

I do not even have to MEET a person and I can "fall for them".... It is the nature of the beast that we call bpd. How many times have you had feelings for someone online? Or talked to on the phone or just saw driving down the road?

this is right on the money!!

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk

[jean17]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. To everyone who answered my query and lent me such good advice. It was a unanimous "yes", this is part of having BPD. I feel some sort of comfort just knowing that. It makes me feel less guilty. Still humiliated, but not so guilty.

[River11]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I have the same issue. Any attention I get from a guy, I think I'm in love. Now that I'm in a committed relationship, I stay away from ALL men. The only time I'm around a man is if my fiance is there with me. Even my fiance's best friend...he always is hugging me and telling me he loves me. I "know" it's innocent, but it doesn't "feel" innocent. I actually started having fantasies about this friends, and I felt so ashamed that I told my fiance and I told him he has to keep him away from me.

Just want to say, Wow, good on you for telling your fiance! That took courage and vulnerable honesty and I'm really impressed

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by River11

Just want to say, Wow, good on you for telling your fiance! That took courage and vulnerable honesty and I'm really impressed

Thank you!

I had to learn the hard way about honesty. I didn't start this one lie, but I also didn't try hard enough to correct it. In the end, I almost ruined someone's life. I actually had to write a letter to the court exonerating them from any wrong. After that, I vowed to always be honest (not necessarily open). It's not easy being honest, but I'd rather hurt myself than hurt anyone else especially when dealing with truths/lies.

I have emotionally cheated on my fiance once before. It was with a guy I meet online in a game who we both were friends with. It only lasted a week before I finally broke down and told my fiance the truth. He wasn't mad!!! And that's how/why I was comfortable telling him that I was having fantasies about his rl friend and I needed to keep away from him. My fiance knows I love him and I want to be with him. But he also knows that I'm so desperate for attention, that I have done many many stupid things...lol.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by UnderTheRose

oh yeah, im there.. then again, after i've fallen hard and fast for someone (even online) , i can suddenly hate them and push them awayif they say something to trigger my insecurities. And the other fun thing.. if due to life circumstances.. too much time passes in bewteen seeing/talking to them, it becomes an 'out of sight, out of mind' thing and i attach to someone else. Of course, the relationship will then come up to poke me in the back some time later and I'll suddenly feel HORRIBLE and want them back more than anything. I feel like I just don't even know who i am most of the time.

Perfect, I could have written that myself. Especially the 'out of site, out of mind' part. At first I'll miss them and think about them daily, and then after a few days of that, I'll meet someone else (who may or may not be as interesting, but they keep me occupied) and then that's it...the first one is toast. Until he comes back.
Usually, by then, my patience is gone and I find reasons to ignore him, rather than reasons to encourage him. It is a vicious cycle, for sure.