Double standards

Hopefully someone can shed some light on this for me. A lot of my problems stem from having a twin sister who is disabled and growing up with that experience. My mom is very invalidating, and I believe that is because she has always (rightfully) given my sister more thought.

I am struggling now to get to a point with my parents where I can continue to go to them for advice, etc. Everytime I tell either of my parents something related to my mental illness, work, friends, it is always a disagreement and instead of just hearing what I have to say it is a chance for them to voice their opinion and tell me why what I'm deciding or doing is wrong. I know that is what parents do, I'm not expecting them to just stand by. But I just feel like every experience I have with them is so frustrating and invalidating.

I don't know if telling them about my BPD diagnosis is a good idea (would help them understand some of my frustrations more), or a bad idea (they would take the blame). I just feel like i'm constantly telling my mom that they're not doing anything wrong and that I will change my behavior, because obviously I'm the one who is acting out.

Does anyone have any advice or similar experience? Thanks for reading

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I am not this hair, I am not this skin. I am the soul that lives within.

Prozac 40mg, Neurontin 400 mg TID, Remeron 45mg

depression, anxiety, borderline, social phobia, ed nos, self injury.

Oh and the point of this thread, before i got wrapped up in my thoughts was that my sister often acts the same way i do towards my parents, and they just blow it off, but in me it is pathological to be annoyed with my mother. Whether I have the right to be is still under debate in my mine.

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I am not this hair, I am not this skin. I am the soul that lives within.

Prozac 40mg, Neurontin 400 mg TID, Remeron 45mg

depression, anxiety, borderline, social phobia, ed nos, self injury.

I grew up with a brother who's autism is quite bad....when i started getting sick in my teenage years my mum acted like it was just some chore, something to be dealt with rather than actually caring about what was happening to me. My mother is still like this - it's like mental illness is just one big elaborate lie to her unless it fits a point she's trying to make.

When i actually got diagnosed with autism earlier last year, she was still in denial. I guess you can't get blood from a stone, i found that i could be more at peace with the situation when i realized that these are her issues and i didn't have to make them mine...it still sucks not having the kind of mum i need but i'm an adult now and have to make a choice between what i can change and what i can't. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I've been officially divorced from my immediate family for several years. After my dad died, my mom accused me of stealing things from her and told me I was no longer a member of the family or her daugher. All of my issues stem from her. She directly told me I was "a mistake", and when I did something that displeased her, she'd ignore me, I was the wall, for as much as a week at a time. I was the youngest of 4, my siblings all moved out when I was 9, and I was basically held captive by her. I wasn't able to do anything without her permission, she decided that I was taking too much on the phone and had our number changed...and I didn't know it for several years, I was not allowed to have friends over, and while in college, I received a letter, sometimes two everyday letting me know how horrible I was and that I'd abandoned her.

I know our situations are a lot different. I guess the reason I shared a bit of my story is to let you know you're not alone with parent issues and for them being the main reason for your problems, and while I have no solution for you, I understand.

It's very, very hard to stand up for yourself and be your own person when you've been invalidated your whole life and I get that, but we've gotta keep trying...it's all we've got. I personally wouldn't tell them about the BPD. When I told my husband, he looked at me as making up an excuse for bad behavior.

I feel you completely. I have two younger brothers, the older of which was pretty sick and difficult as a young child. My mom had to focus all her energy on him and my other brother since they were younger, and was too stressed out to deal with her mentally ill adolescent daughter. The fact that my father was so stressed from work that he didn't want to have anything to do with us kids just made things worse.

I believe that invalidating environments like ours are likely to cause BPD, so I'm sure a lot of us have similar experiences.

Luckily after I moved out and went to college I've been able to get along a lot better with my parents. I also think it helps too that my brothers are older now. Opening up a little bit with my mom about my illness when we're alone together has made things a bit easier too.

I'm sorry you're still going through this. I hope things work out for you .

I get you. For me it was hard because my dad did not believe in mental illness and I just had to snap out of it. He refused to acknowledge my depression, it made things very difficult for me. I found the older I got I was better able to deal with my dad and realize his opinions did not matter.

Thank you everyone for the responses, it helps so much to know other people have similar situations. I guess I want them to understand me, but if I realistically think about telling them I have BPD, I don't think they will accept that diagnosis. I am get the feeling sometimes they think of mental illness as an excuse and that I should just get over it. Things have been a little better since I moved out a year ago, but they still have such a hold on me, even though I'm completely independent. I want to be in contact with them, and I want a better relationship with my sister too, but everything is just so one-sided now. Everyone is scared to talk to me, and I don't think I did anything that was beyond normal teenager wanting to move out stuff.

I am not this hair, I am not this skin. I am the soul that lives within.

Prozac 40mg, Neurontin 400 mg TID, Remeron 45mg

depression, anxiety, borderline, social phobia, ed nos, self injury.

I feel the same way about my mom. I want more than anything else to have a real mom, to have her understand and listen, but I've had to come to terms with some harsh realities lately. If it hasn't happened in almost 48 years, it's not going to. It's very, very hard, but it's time I worry about myself. My suggestion is to move...not far but maybe 30-45 minutes from home. That is far enough that they will not visit without calling first and maybe you can start to feel more independant because they won't be instantly available should something occur.

Oh my god. This is my mother.... When I first was hospitalized, she told me I had no right to feel suicidal, because I have a perfect life and I just want attention. She told me I didn't need meds because it was just jealousy and neediness and a whole bunch of other crap, and I just need to get get it and move on.

I'm so sorry that you wet through this and I can relate. I attempted suicide a couple times when I was 15 years old. I told my best friend at the time at first and didn't really plan on telling my mother because I knew that she wouldn't care at all, and also because she was the reason why I attempted. My best friend talked me into telling her and I ended thinking it would be a good idea because I could get some help if she knew how bad I was doing. Well, all theat ended up happening was her yelling at me because I didn't experience the same problems that she did in high school so I guess to her i didn't have any. I didn't even get a hug from her, I also didn't tell her the reason why i attempted because I didn't want to hurt her.

It's so many ways that she completely invalidated me looking back. Now that I'm older, I just compare how she had me see a therapist when I was in middle school and it was recommended that I see one due to an incident with a teacher (that was completely blown out of proportion) and also when she felt I was giving her problems we went to therapy together. When I tried to take my own life though it didn't matter because it wasn't affecting her at all. I didn't tell her about the second time I, I couldn't handle another negative reaction from her but I really needed help. Now almost 15 years later after going back and certain things starting to make sense I am taking the initiative to help myself. This has already been the hardest thing I've ever attempted in my life but I am determined, I have to do it for my children.

Keep fighting every day for you and for the kids....You seem very strong and determined and that will help a lot too. Learning all you can about this disorder can go a long way with teaching yourself to see when you are tripping and stopping you from falling....hugs for you.....stay strong!!!!