[Brandon_Empty]

I've been struggling more and more as of late. Its getting old trying to pretend I'm okay and attempt to be functional only to please the people surrounding me. I feel like there is so much going through my head that I must face alone. Its breaking me more and more. I wish I could talk about these things with the people in my life but I've been down that road before and it only leads to disaster. I feel like so much is building up and bottling it all up is only making matters worse. Much worse to be honest. It would be nice to feel somewhat understood for once and not feel so alone in my fight. I hold myself together the best I can but I feel like I'm losing ground more and more each day.

[technigal]

I know that fake smile, I am often wearing one as well.

Do you have a therapist? You can also use the boards as a way of getting things out. I have had a lot of support from people on here.

[Brandon_Empty]

Originally Posted by technigal

I know that fake smile, I am often wearing one as well.

Do you have a therapist? You can also use the boards as a way of getting things out. I have had a lot of support from people on here.

I do have a therapist but I'm only able to see her once a month as of right now. My last therapist left a few months ago for a better paying job and its been all downhill for me since he left. As far as the fake smile goes, I hate knowing anyone else must know that feeling. Its a lonely feeling, or at least it is for me. I just joined on here a few days ago and I'm hoping I can force myself into opening up about a lot of things. Its difficult for me because I'm so accustomed to keeping everything bottled up and dealing with it all on my own. I do want to get away from feeling that way about my problems though.

[beloiseau]

I would definitely open up on here! It helps to just know that someone is listening and can relate. And everything you said in your first post...I can relate to. I feel like everytime I really open up to someone and seek help, they abandon me or get annoyed or frustrated. I'm asking them for help, and somehow I end up being the bad guy. It is hard to try to put on a smile and pretend to be functional when you feel like things are falling apart. Know that we're here to listen and that we care

[Brandon_Empty]

Originally Posted by beloiseau

I would definitely open up on here! It helps to just know that someone is listening and can relate. And everything you said in your first post...I can relate to. I feel like everytime I really open up to someone and seek help, they abandon me or get annoyed or frustrated. I'm asking them for help, and somehow I end up being the bad guy. It is hard to try to put on a smile and pretend to be functional when you feel like things are falling apart. Know that we're here to listen and that we care

Thank you so much. Just having someone to listen and understand makes a huge difference. I've experienced the same thing so many times. I feel like I'm always made out to be the bad guy, no matter the situation. That's one of the reasons I deal with everything on my own. I've had every person in my life to make me feel alone and abandoned when I've needed them the most. After having that happen again and again, I feel like a burden to everyone. I'm sorry to hear you can relate to the things I've mentioned. I wish nobody would ever have to experience those feelings. I'd be more than willing to listen if you ever need to talk about it. I do want to keep trying to open up and let people in for once. Right now I need all the friends I can get because I feel like everything really is falling apart.

[lynn808]

Originally Posted by Brandon_Empty

Thank you so much. Just having someone to listen and understand makes a huge difference. I've experienced the same thing so many times. I feel like I'm always made out to be the bad guy, no matter the situation. That's one of the reasons I deal with everything on my own. I've had every person in my life to make me feel alone and abandoned when I've needed them the most. After having that happen again and again, I feel like a burden to everyone. I'm sorry to hear you can relate to the things I've mentioned. I wish nobody would ever have to experience those feelings. I'd be more than willing to listen if you ever need to talk about it. I do want to keep trying to open up and let people in for once. Right now I need all the friends I can get because I feel like everything really is falling apart.

I also feel the pain you feel when others let you down. Feeling like a burden is terrible. It seems people are around when you are doing for them and helping them.....when you need help....that's when you feel like everyone is too busy or just cant be there for you.... It is hard to open up and this forum is one of the only places I do open up and others know how you feel and can help you through....we all feel like fractured pieces that will never fit together and be whole, but I truly believe that one day I will be a whole person....It's what I hold onto daily....I don't talk too much to my T or pdoc...but found out Friday that my pdoc is very concerned for me...wow...kinda helped to make me get through this tough weekend. He wants to see me in 3 weeks not 2 months and has doubled my meds...I hope to make it til Monday when I can get some pain pills again, since the shot I got on Friday for my back has dissipated and I am once again in intense pain....some days I pray to god to take me....but apparently it's not my time...I must stay here and work til that time to help me be better....he doesn't want me in this bad shape...I guess... I dunno...but please fight hard to stay with us!!!! hugs for you.

[Brandon_Empty]

Originally Posted by lynn808

I also feel the pain you feel when others let you down. Feeling like a burden is terrible. It seems people are around when you are doing for them and helping them.....when you need help....that's when you feel like everyone is too busy or just cant be there for you.... It is hard to open up and this forum is one of the only places I do open up and others know how you feel and can help you through....we all feel like fractured pieces that will never fit together and be whole, but I truly believe that one day I will be a whole person....It's what I hold onto daily....I don't talk too much to my T or pdoc...but found out Friday that my pdoc is very concerned for me...wow...kinda helped to make me get through this tough weekend. He wants to see me in 3 weeks not 2 months and has doubled my meds...I hope to make it til Monday when I can get some pain pills again, since the shot I got on Friday for my back has dissipated and I am once again in intense pain....some days I pray to god to take me....but apparently it's not my time...I must stay here and work til that time to help me be better....he doesn't want me in this bad shape...I guess... I dunno...but please fight hard to stay with us!!!! hugs for you.

We all need something to hold on to. Thanks for replying to my post and thank you so much for the encouragement It sounds like you've got a lot of things to deal with at the moment. Do you have back problems too? I have degenerative disc disease. My back is ravaged by arthritis. What type of shot did you have? I've had 2 epidural steroid injections done over the past few months but they've worn off and I'm in tremendous pain again. I hope you feel better soon and I hope you will be pain free. *huge hug* Keep fighting and I will do the same. I feel that all of us who must face so much adversity each day will one day be rewarded somehow for all we've had to endure. I hope that's how it will be at least. I'm sorry to hear you've had a difficult weekend but I'll be hoping things begin to look up for you soon. I guess sometimes I fail to realize there are so many people who go through things I deal with myself. That comes along with me being such a loner perhaps.

[lynn808]

Originally Posted by Brandon_Empty

We all need something to hold on to. Thanks for replying to my post and thank you so much for the encouragement It sounds like you've got a lot of things to deal with at the moment. Do you have back problems too? I have degenerative disc disease. My back is ravaged by arthritis. What type of shot did you have? I've had 2 epidural steroid injections done over the past few months but they've worn off and I'm in tremendous pain again. I hope you feel better soon and I hope you will be pain free. *huge hug* Keep fighting and I will do the same. I feel that all of us who must face so much adversity each day will one day be rewarded somehow for all we've had to endure. I hope that's how it will be at least. I'm sorry to hear you've had a difficult weekend but I'll be hoping things begin to look up for you soon. I guess sometimes I fail to realize there are so many people who go through things I deal with myself. That comes along with me being such a loner perhaps.

Hey there...thanks for the encouraging words... I have multiple back problems now apparently. SI joint pain, 5 lower lumbars that need surgery and scoliosis too. The lidocaine shot only lasted about 2 days, but I did get some pain pills today. I hate taking the narcotics, since they give me nightmares, but it seems the only way to cope right now.. I love the fact that you hope that we will be rewarded for the adversity....that definitely helps me feel better!!!! This weekend was the birthday of my BFF who passed 3 yrs ago...This will get easier with time also...Thanks for caring and sharing...you have a wonderful day now.... I def relate to the loner part too....Now go get some rays of sunshine!!!!

So...don't fake smile. No one can expect this of you and so you shouldn't feel obliged. It's really that simple. There's also no reason to tell people about your troubles if you feel it's not going to lead anywhere good. I mean you can give them some light info if it would give you a bit of breathing space but these issues are best handled by professionals anyway. I would cut yourself some slack, you know you can't carry on as you are and you're realistic about what options are available to you...so now you have to act on it which is much harder. Taking some more responsibility might actually feel good though in that it gives you a sense of control back. It's one of those bite the bullet things i guess...the way i look at it is, if your situation is pretty terrible right now, are you really risking that much in trying to change things? Just a thought. Good luck.

[hawaii04]

That fake smile, I wear it well. Not only do I want others to think I'm all together, but I especially love to see the smile that sharing one brings to others. One day working through all of 'this,' it will be real, and whatever we need to do to get there will make it worth it.

[Brandon_Empty]

Originally Posted by Spockette

So...don't fake smile. No one can expect this of you and so you shouldn't feel obliged. It's really that simple. There's also no reason to tell people about your troubles if you feel it's not going to lead anywhere good. I mean you can give them some light info if it would give you a bit of breathing space but these issues are best handled by professionals anyway. I would cut yourself some slack, you know you can't carry on as you are and you're realistic about what options are available to you...so now you have to act on it which is much harder. Taking some more responsibility might actually feel good though in that it gives you a sense of control back. It's one of those bite the bullet things i guess...the way i look at it is, if your situation is pretty terrible right now, are you really risking that much in trying to change things? Just a thought. Good luck.

That makes perfect sense to me. The risk is worth it. Often, I do feel obligated to try to make everyone else happy. I think its out of the fear of conflict more than anything. Lately, I've felt too weak to deal with anymore arguments or conflict. I know I need to somehow be stronger and take a stand but right now I feel like doing that would end very badly for me. Anyway, thank you for replying. You give great advice. I appreciate it very much.

[Brandon_Empty]

Originally Posted by hawaii04

That fake smile, I wear it well. Not only do I want others to think I'm all together, but I especially love to see the smile that sharing one brings to others. One day working through all of 'this,' it will be real, and whatever we need to do to get there will make it worth it.

I try to wear mine well, but I often feel I fail to. The people who really know me can usually see through my fake smile. I wish they were more supportive though. Its as if they get angry at me for feeling bad. That makes me really angry and then, well, its all downhill from there. You seem to have a lot of positivity and that's a beautiful thing. I need to work on developing more of it myself. I hope all the struggles will one day be worth it. Not just for me, but for everyone who faces the same struggles.

[Contrabanned]

If you ever need to speak to anyone, I'm all ears. I too know what it's like to pretend to have it together.

[Brandon_Empty]

Originally Posted by Contrabanned

If you ever need to speak to anyone, I'm all ears. I too know what it's like to pretend to have it together.

Thank you for the offer. It definitely means a lot. The same goes for you also. I'm here to listen anytime if you need to talk.