[facingdemons]

I have two children, a 6 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. Most of the time I feel overwhelmed with guilt about the fact that they have me for a mother...and all that entails.

I know BPD is based on both genetics and environment,but children of a BPD parent are 10 times more likely to have BPD than even kids of bipolar parents.

What have I done? How could I inflict this on someone else?

and then there is the fact that they have had to live through all the things I've done. Its my fault that their father and I aren't together. I lost custody completely in march due to my instability. they can't even spend the night at my house. I visit them at least 4 times a week, and they always ask why they can't come with me.

my daughter is struggling very badly. She cries a lot. She's incredibly smart and perceptive. She is an emotional wreck.

I hate myself for this. Sometimes I think they'd just be better off without me at all. (I'm not suicidal). I just want them to be happy. I don't ever want them to go through what I've been through. I can't believe I have done this to them.

this is sort of all over the place. I'm sorry. I just miss my babies and I am having a really tough time with this

[technigal]

I know what you mean. There are many times I have told my husband that he should take our son and leave, thinking my son would be better off without me. Of course that is the BPD talking. I am not the mom I expected I would be or the mom I want to be but I am doing the best that I can for my son. That is what I need to remember. What I would do in your situation is try and better myself so I could at least have partial custody. Being a parent is the hardest thing to do, it is not easy all we really can do is love our kids and do the best we can.

[lynn808]

Originally Posted by facingdemons

I have two children, a 6 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. Most of the time I feel overwhelmed with guilt about the fact that they have me for a mother...and all that entails.

I know BPD is based on both genetics and environment,but children of a BPD parent are 10 times more likely to have BPD than even kids of bipolar parents.

What have I done? How could I inflict this on someone else?

and then there is the fact that they have had to live through all the things I've done. Its my fault that their father and I aren't together. I lost custody completely in march due to my instability. they can't even spend the night at my house. I visit them at least 4 times a week, and they always ask why they can't come with me.

my daughter is struggling very badly. She cries a lot. She's incredibly smart and perceptive. She is an emotional wreck.

I hate myself for this. Sometimes I think they'd just be better off without me at all. (I'm not suicidal). I just want them to be happy. I don't ever want them to go through what I've been through. I can't believe I have done this to them.

this is sort of all over the place. I'm sorry. I just miss my babies and I am having a really tough time with this

I am sorry you are in such pain...I too lived like this when raising my 2 kids..... am glad to say that they came out of it so strong and resilliant...I am so proud of the adults they turned into...they are now 23 and 25...and they thank me!!! actually thank me for making them strong...they saw that I fought and fought for them and me...and your children will do the same...I also had a sensitive child who had a hard time and was dx as ADHD because she was fighting too...has gotten over that part of life and is a very strong and responsible adult now....You will get past this and so will they.....Keep strong and love each other...treasure the moments you spend with them....hugs for you every day hun!!!!

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't have kids yet...so I can't completely relate.

But the fact that you worry about your children shows that you're a good mother.

Take care of yourself, for yourself and for them. Remind yourself that they NEED you in their life whether you are struggling or not; whether you're perfect or imperfect. NO ONE can be their mother expect for you. They would rather have a fraction of you than nothing at all. And it's not your fault you're struggling. But if you can improve, even with baby steps, you will be their role model...more so than a "perfect" mother.

[Maranara]

I personally believe it's much, much more environmental than genetic. I'm sure you've read it in books, but most of the evidence is still out to lunch on that. Very little real hard scientific proof exists.

Raise them as you weren't raised. Give them the love and care they deserve and that you didn't get. When you feel the anger coming on, isolate yourself for a bit, and as they get older directly tell them that sometimes you get angry or upset and it's nothing they've done. Even give them a warning when you're getting angry. I used to do that with my girls, and they'd yell at each other to shut up and stop and it actually made me do a 180 a few times. Also, get your daughter the help she needs early so it can hopefully be helped before it becomes any worse.

I have three children. Two are completely fine, the third has BPD traits but should be fine in the end. She's much better off than I was at her age and knows about BPD so she is aware of what she's facing. I know it's not easy, we can only do what we can do, but don't condemn yourself or your kids. Do the best that you can and just see what happens. That is all any of us can do.

[shezbut]

I can really relate to what you're feeling inside. I have 2 daughters: aged 9 and 11 years old. My older daughter is much more of a challenge emotionally, and always has been. Honestly, there have been several times that I needed to step back for a minute or so to get myself into Wise Mind, so I wouldn't react emotionally & escalate the situation. {Unfortunately, I made that mistake several times when my older daughter was around age 6. She knows that I need some space and time to get my thoughts into proper order ~ and would often push me by scaring the bejeezers out of my younger daughter by pushing and screaming at her!}

Somehow, I would finally get things under control again. The older daughter would apologize for flipping out on me & scaring her sister. Those moments were rather challenging for me as well. I'd be kicking myself emotionally (inside of my head) and then come up with a rational talk. I'd always apologize if I'd lost my temper as well & say that I'm working on that...coming up with better ways to express my emotions. I'd also assure everyone that I love them very much. Whether they're freaking out, having a temper tantrum, or talking back to me: I still always love them dearly & always will. I just don't like the said behavior. Followed by big hugs, playing a game or two, artwork, or reading books & singing.

I'm certainly not as good of a mom as I always wished that I could be. But, I am doing my very best, and my daughters are aware of that. They do appreciate me. I think that we have a special emotional connection. I am always on the look-out for the development of emotional or physical struggles ~ and I do my best to provide a well-balanced home whenever I have them! (My ex-hub and I split custody)

Even "normal" people have a difficult time raising their children. They, too do the best that they can, despite their own personal struggles. That is life.