[lazydog]

I was diagnosed 20 years ago. I just ignored it. It was always someone else, it was never me, always something else.

How could I go this long without getting help or at least accepting it?

I could have figured out ways to deal with it, I could have been honest. I could have tried to "heal" from my past.

I know I wasn't suicidal or self injurious so that helped me manage through this world. I didn't end up in hospitals or in therapists offices.

But what have I done to my child? It's just killing me right now.

.

[beloiseau]

The thing you need to focus on right now is that you are getting help now and trying to better your life. We can't change the past. We did the best we could then. Focus on the fact that you are able to take charge now and change your life.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by lazydog

But what have I done to my child?

Your child's thoughts, feelings, actions are their own, not yours or wholly based on you any more than your actions are based on your own parents'. Maybe you have caused difficulties in your child's life, maybe your child remembers other things, did not have difficulties where you might think they did. We can't ever know how other people perceived things, why they jumped left instead of right or did/did not jump at all, etc.

No parent is "perfect" and gives a child exactly what that child wants or needs because the parent is a different person, that much older (another generation) with wholly different experiences. A child cannot know what it is like to be a parent, cannot work out "Oh, is that why they did that!" or really understand until they get to be the parent's age when the parent said/did whatever.

It is quite interesting to me to watch my stepson and daughter-in-law raising the two grandchildren, their different styles, the different personalities of the children, hearing the stories of how my husband was with his son, etc. While everything is wonderful now, there was a period when my stepson was just out of high school and college and trying to find his way when he was struggling and doing really poorly, partly because his personality, background, and situation were so different from my husband's and my husband had difficulty understanding. But they worked together and got my stepson on a better track and he met the wonderful daughter-in-law and now my stepson owns his own business and is one of the main pillars of the family these days.

Have hope and work hard with yourself now that you see ways you would like to improve. It is never too late.

[lazydog]

Originally Posted by beloiseau

The thing you need to focus on right now is that you are getting help now and trying to better your life. We can't change the past. We did the best we could then. Focus on the fact that you are able to take charge now and change your life.

I am feeling so much better today, so thanks for that. On the weekend when I read it, it really helped.

[lazydog]

Originally Posted by Perna

Your child's thoughts, feelings, actions are their own, not yours or wholly based on you any more than your actions are based on your own parents'. Maybe you have caused difficulties in your child's life, maybe your child remembers other things, did not have difficulties where you might think they did. We can't ever know how other people perceived things, why they jumped left instead of right or did/did not jump at all, etc.

No parent is "perfect" and gives a child exactly what that child wants or needs because the parent is a different person, that much older (another generation) with wholly different experiences. A child cannot know what it is like to be a parent, cannot work out "Oh, is that why they did that!" or really understand until they get to be the parent's age when the parent said/did whatever.

It is quite interesting to me to watch my stepson and daughter-in-law raising the two grandchildren, their different styles, the different personalities of the children, hearing the stories of how my husband was with his son, etc. While everything is wonderful now, there was a period when my stepson was just out of high school and college and trying to find his way when he was struggling and doing really poorly, partly because his personality, background, and situation were so different from my husband's and my husband had difficulty understanding. But they worked together and got my stepson on a better track and he met the wonderful daughter-in-law and now my stepson owns his own business and is one of the main pillars of the family these days.

Have hope and work hard with yourself now that you see ways you would like to improve. It is never too late.

You got me really thinking about how much at this age (which is getting pretty old) I still harbor resentment against my mom. And it's weird because my mom was there for us as kids while my dad wasn't, the difference I think is at about 50 my dad had a real crisis and he took responsibility for his life and made some "major" changes. And I respect him for that. While my mom has never done that. So maybe it isn't to late for me to take responsibility and make some changes. That would be amazing. Thanks again.

[facingdemons]

I understand the guilt about not figuring things out sooner. I've been in and out of treatment for 15 years, but I've always stopped seeing my therapist/doctors after a short time, and I feel like if I'd actually stuck with someone, maybe I'd have gotten a correct diagnosis sooner, and I could have gotten help and not destroyed everyone around me.

I lost my husband, I lost custody of my kids. I lay awake at night, overwhelmed by the guilt of what I've done to the people I love the most. That my kids are going through this. That I hurt my ex husband so badly, someone who tried so hard to help me...who put up with so much.

But when I can step back and look at it, I have to remember that I can't change it, but I can move forward. Try to focus on the present. You're getting help now, and so am I. All we can do is make tomorrow better than yesterday.

[jean17]

LazyDog, don't be beating yourself up, that won't help and you don't deserve it. You have done your best with what you had and knew at the time. Now it's a new day. Get all the help that you can and take good care of yourself. We are all thinking about you and sending peace, love and kindness your way.

There are varying degrees of BPD, with different sets of symptoms - so maybe you could have done something to improve your coping skills, after all BPD isn't curative, but you survived anyway and that's an achievement in itself. Please also bare in mind that many of the treatments for BPD are relatively new and not entirely successful so you could argue just how far you would have got in the early days anyway.

It's never too late to seek help, it's a decision only you can make of course but you'll get plenty of support here. Good luck.