I'm having trouble figuring out when there's really a crisis and when I'm just attention seeking. I know the two are really intertwined. Sometimes, I consciously want my T's attention so I'll create a crisis, but then the crisis becomes kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'll genuinely feel in crisis when I hadn't before. Can anyone shed any light on differentiating intentional attention-seeking behavior vs true crisis and/or how the two relate? Thanks.

[Maranara]

I can't really help...I'm sorry. I do feel for you. To me, I create crisis situations to get attention. Not all the time but it's happened. Then, I often feel crisis sitauations when there's no one who can help me at all...maybe due to the loneliness. I don't know....

[River11]

I think I'm much the same as Maranara ... in fact my worse crises are when I'm alone ...
And my need for (the right kind of) attention can get to where that feels like a crisis in itself, which my husband is still not really understanding ...

I'm sorry I can't shed more light for you, but your inquiring of yourself and on this forum will surely lead to that!

just my opinion.

If you THINK you are in danger. or you simply "are not sure" if you are safe or not - then it is time to go in-patient.

[Trippin2.0]

When I think I may be attention seeking, I try to dig as deep as possible.

Example:

What is the purpose of sending my bf this frantic message covered in desperation?

What do I hope to gain from these efforts?

Why do I feel the need to do so?

What is it that I am currently really feeling?

What caused me to feel like this?
Etc...

If the outcome of my digging is anything related to insecurity, or jealousy I try not to text. Because if I'm honest what I'm hoping to gain is pure attention (look at how you make me suffer by being so far away, FIX IT!) and the danger of that is getting the "wrong" type of attention... eg. He's not attentive enough, he can't talk right now he's in a meeting... The problem there is that this would create an actual crisis for me, where I could've been riding out how I'm feeling and do my best to self-sooth. Then he and I can chat about it later and both do a happy dance at how I handled it.

If there is no gain in sight, then I text, because I'm pretty sure I just want to share my experience with someone I trust.

Sure it may not seem so bad to want to be reassured and validated and reminded "you're the one" or whatnot, but for me #1, its contradictory to my nature, I'm the classic independent woman type and this behaviour screams needy (to me) so it leads to self-loathing. Also there are times I am legitimately losing my shyt and I don't wanna burn him out or drown him (again) or be like the boy who cried wolf....

I get that a lot of folks involve or want to involve their partners as much as possible, and that's great if it works for both parties. But for me, I really have to ration what I share with him so that I don't fall into old co-dependency patterns, which is what ruined our relationship in the past. That's why I started the process of questioning my motivation.

Sorry I reallly rambled and I'm not even sure if I made sense or was of any help to anyone...

[Espresso]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

When I think I may be attention seeking, I try to dig as deep as possible.

Example:

What is the purpose of sending my bf this frantic message covered in desperation?

What do I hope to gain from these efforts?

Why do I feel the need to do so?

What is it that I am currently really feeling?

What caused me to feel like this?
Etc...

I tend to go through that process, too. I analyze everything if it's going to involve reaching out to someone because I don't want to seem like I'm trying to get attention. All that analysis though has probably kept me from getting help when I truly needed it.

[Auntie2014]

Originally Posted by Espresso

I tend to go through that process, too. I analyze everything if it's going to involve reaching out to someone because I don't want to seem like I'm trying to get attention. All that analysis though has probably kept me from getting help when I truly needed it.

I tend to agree with the process listed above but understand what you are saying too.

My thoughts about your situation are that you might want to make yourself a chart or scale to judge when it is time to stop the analysis. My situation is different but what I do might help.

I have made a chart with 111 on the bottom and 911 on the top. I think of all of the numbers being different help lines to call. 911 is obvious for me. but I have written down an example of what each number might reach if I called it and what I expect or need if I place that call.

Example: Yesterday I had a major panic attack which threw me for a big loop. I knew that I was not at the point I needed to make a 911 call but I did need to settle down. I came here often to touch base and try to focus my thoughts away from what caused the panic. Lets call that a 311. What I did realize was that I could read posts but could not reply to any posts. What did settle me down was calling a friend. For me this is a 711. 811 is calling my old T because I do not have one now and know she would talk to me but I do not want to put her in the position of feeling that I want to restart the T relationship again. I live in different state now so it is not an option but she would be my last resort before 911.

I hope this makes sense or you can see the logic behind what I posted.

[beloiseau]

I have a lot of problems with asking for help, even when in crisis. So, when I'm actually asking for help, I know that I need it. Usually if I'm attention-seeking, I'll just send text after text to people and literally seek their approval or attention.

[greentires4me]

my crisis start off as genuine help cards laid out on the table in front of me then I go over the edge and all my cards are all over the table. its like emotions that extend from my insecurity within myself

my attention seeking behavior is when I build card tower with the cards then I want more people to see my creation like sui or SI comes about.

[River11]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Etc...

If the outcome of my digging is anything related to insecurity, or jealousy I try not to text. Because if I'm honest what I'm hoping to gain is pure attention (look at how you make me suffer by being so far away, FIX IT!) and the danger of that is getting the "wrong" type of attention... eg. He's not attentive enough, he can't talk right now he's in a meeting... The problem there is that this would create an actual crisis for me, where I could've been riding out how I'm feeling and do my best to self-sooth. Then he and I can chat about it later and both do a happy dance at how I handled it.

If there is no gain in sight, then I text, because I'm pretty sure I just want to share my experience with someone I trust.

Sure it may not seem so bad to want to be reassured and validated and reminded "you're the one" or whatnot, but for me #1, its contradictory to my nature, I'm the classic independent woman type and this behaviour screams needy (to me) so it leads to self-loathing. Also there are times I am legitimately losing my shyt and I don't wanna burn him out or drown him (again) or be like the boy who cried wolf....

That makes so much sense, thank you, Trippin!
(If I were in a more eloquent state I'd like to give you more expressive appreciation)

It reminds me of my little breakthrough victory when I decided to wait and see on a mini internal crisis I was having instead of putting it on my H to 'do something about it' (even though it felt like he'd been the cause), kept myself as calm as I could, and then when there was real time to catch up together he simply wanted to give me exactly the attention I'd been internally crying out for, so I could happily lap it up (instead of having externally cried out for it and thereby turned him off feeling it).
So I did my "happy dance" in my heart where I also tucked away that lesson for myself

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by River11

That makes so much sense, thank you, Trippin!
(If I were in a more eloquent state I'd like to give you more expressive appreciation)

It reminds me of my little breakthrough victory when I decided to wait and see on a mini internal crisis I was having instead of putting it on my H to 'do something about it' (even though it felt like he'd been the cause), kept myself as calm as I could, and then when there was real time to catch up together he simply wanted to give me exactly the attention I'd been internally crying out for, so I could happily lap it up (instead of having externally cried out for it and thereby turned him off feeling it).
So I did my "happy dance" in my heart where I also tucked away that lesson for myself

You're welcome, I'm glad I made sense