[lynn808]

People can trigger me...certain voice styles can trigger me.....a negative look can trigger me.....sometime a person just looking at me can trigger me.....

just feelings of mistrust, hatred-even, self-worthless feelings, the fight in the head that happens 24/7, wondering if people are judging you...what do they think? do they hate me? why am I so bad?
spinning thoughts from today, yesterday, last week, last month, when I was 40,30,23,17, when I was 10, memories from childhood...the physical, emotional and spiritual condemning, and sometimes violent childhood....paternal unit was a city cop with a gun....anyway, sorry I digress....will leave there now....okay...deep breath and force a smile...all these spinning thoughts in endless vicious circle in my head... it wont stop and it wont go away......then the migraine comes...and the pounding ..sounds like a big cavern with echoes...now is worse when thoughts start rebounding around......
the feelings of loneliness all the time...even though I know I am loved by a good circle of people who understand me...and try to help me daily....
Now T tells me that I am such survivor and I can learn the skills needed to help me control the disorder making it less of a controlling monster in my mind.....
triggers are going off all over the place...but I must make it through this too.

the upset stomach, sweating, fear of succeeding, fear of failing, getting tired of the fight-but know its the only way....I am trying to fight against something every day now...it cant be any other way...there is always something happening where I have to fight, fight, fight.....will it ever end???? will I ever rest from this??? when will the daily angst and pain end....just for a little while.
Sorry I rant on....don't mean to be a bother...
just had to get two percent of my upset out...cant afford to release any more now or I will fall apart completely....feel so fractured today...pieces of me all over the place.....will I ever get myself together right?> will I get myself together at all?? is it even possible??
I dunno...maybe its hopeless....all this sickness
the emotional is one thing...but now have over 10 other physical ailments....should I even go on?? should I even bother...
but its the kids...the helping others that makes me get out of bed every day...
so...now I can take a breather.......

Thank you for reading or trying to understand my rant....
Thank you for bothering...

sorry to be a bother

[Big Mama]

lynn, I am sorry you have been feeling this way. I know exactly how you feel. I get triggered by noises, looks, assumptions, tone of voice, expectations. I think back to years and years ago, or just back to yesterday and anytime in between. It does kinda drive ya crazy.

There is nothing I can do to help, nothing I can say, just know that you are not alone. I'm right there with ya. I see ya in chat alot, keep coming to chat and talk to us, keep posting here. I would be more then happy to help anyway I can feel free to PM me. Please know you are not alone in this.

[BarelyMakingIt]

Hey Lynn, I definitely can relate. I've pretty much just been stuck cycling through memories and thoughts of hopelessness and self defeat for the past few months just barely holding on. As long as you can keep finding a reason to get out of bed I think you have a reason to go on and still continue to fight. I hope things get better for you but keep coming here as much as you need to. We will always be here.

[lynn808]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

lynn, I am sorry you have been feeling this way. I know exactly how you feel. I get triggered by noises, looks, assumptions, tone of voice, expectations. I think back to years and years ago, or just back to yesterday and anytime in between. It does kinda drive ya crazy.

There is nothing I can do to help, nothing I can say, just know that you are not alone. I'm right there with ya. I see ya in chat alot, keep coming to chat and talk to us, keep posting here. I would be more then happy to help anyway I can feel free to PM me. Please know you are not alone in this.

Thanks a lot Big Mama,
I have seen you in chat..... and do enjoy that too!!
thanks for the kind words to let me know I am not alone....
Im just getting overwhelmed with all the doc appts and pain and the upcoming surgeries and tests I go through all the time...so many specialists so much physical pain.....makes me wonder why I try.....I am out of money and out of patience and wonder if its worth the time....if any of it is worth.....???? but thanks hun

This forum ahs helped me so much in the last few months...just knowing I am not alone.....even on those days when I know I will be alone and hurting...
thanks for the offer to chat...it truly is appreciated.... take care now and take time to relax this evening too!!!! thanks for caring!!!

[technigal]

Lynn

I hate when I get into that spiral that goes down and down, it is so hard to drag yourself out of it. I hope that you can get out of it soon.

[Truth in Ruin]

Hang it there lynn, It will get better; You'll get through this storm.

[Atypical_Disaster]

I can relate to so much of what you wrote. You're not alone.

[Fuzzybear]

Lynn

[hawaii04]

I am with ya in thought; experiencing much of the same lately myself. It will be alright, I know it will ~ it will turn around. HUGS to you.

[iwantaname1]

Hi Lynn,
I am new to this but after reading your post I can soo empathise with these feelings.
I too struggle in similar ways.
(( Hugs Lynn )) sending smiles and positive vibes

[technigal]

Thinking about you hun,