[youwillrise]

so, i can be pretty mean sometimes and i say things to hurt peoples feelings when im angry, but theres something different about this time...i dont feel bad about it. at least not w/ this particular person. every time i think about it, i smile...when other times, i have felt bad quickly after and apologized almost right away. ive gone through a few good years of him being sh*tty to me...me giving him what he wants because i was so into him and so hoping that onnnne day hed change his mind about me...but all he wanted was sex and i couldnt come to terms with it...but it wasnt just that...he basically acted like i was dead until he was ready for sex-related stuff. this is a guy ive known since we were 12 and he treats me like im some random chick he met on the street somewhere. ive said some really mean, horrible things to him over the past few days and he finally replied to me today and i love how angry he was. i just dont care anymore.

[Frankbtl]

Hi youwillrise (great name by the way!), I'd say that it's understandable how you may feel bitter and resentful about/towards this guy and how those feelings might build up more over time after what he's put you through. But why allow him to continue to make you feel like this?? You're better than that!! And you deserve to be able to move on!!
Although to move on you are going to have to be trying to let go of some of those feelings.
Afterall his behavior was his problem, why let it become/stay yours??
I'd say it would help a lot if you cut all contact with him, do you think?? The contact you've had really isn't helping is it? And why would you want to be in contact with him anyway after the way he's treated you?? Just try to walk away and at the same time remember that it's his loss!!
And the things you say to other people when you're angry, do you think the way the guy had you feeling about yourself/him could have contributed to that?? Maybe as you put him more out of your mind things could improve with others??
But it might also help avoiding getting to that stage by trying a few anger management techniques (plenty online!) to help you express yourself a little more "constructively". Afterall if you're saying mean, things to people that isn't really going to help you either in keeping relationships going.
Alison
P.S Well done on recognizing that this isn't a guy you'd want to be with!!

[Aventurine]

Originally Posted by youwillrise

so, i can be pretty mean sometimes and i say things to hurt peoples feelings when im angry, but theres something different about this time...i dont feel bad about it. at least not w/ this particular person. every time i think about it, i smile...when other times, i have felt bad quickly after and apologized almost right away. ive gone through a few good years of him being sh*tty to me...me giving him what he wants because i was so into him and so hoping that onnnne day hed change his mind about me...but all he wanted was sex and i couldnt come to terms with it...but it wasnt just that...he basically acted like i was dead until he was ready for sex-related stuff. this is a guy ive known since we were 12 and he treats me like im some random chick he met on the street somewhere. ive said some really mean, horrible things to him over the past few days and he finally replied to me today and i love how angry he was. i just dont care anymore.

Saying hurtful things and lashing out is part of BPD, I do this to my family from time to time.

I can relate to what you are saying about hanging onto this guy who, even though understand he is no good for you, keep him in your life. I have been doing this on and off for years, but with different men. It was only last week that I finally cut my ties with one who had recently been doing my head in and I moved 1800 miles away from him and he still knew how to get in there and twist my mind. And I allowed it to happen.

My biggest issue was I couldn't understand how someone could do that to me, if I was friendly, compassionate and caring toward him, why wouldn't he be the same back? (I was on my best behaviour with him) I will never know. And I had to walk away not knowing why he wanted to emotionally cause me pain. I didn't say anything mean, just that I needed positive people around me. and left it at that. Other members here might have read my posts about my difficulties in getting this guy out of my life, It was a really struggle for me.

You know you don't need to be there, your anger toward him might be your self respect. If you are now indifferent, use that as the catalyst to walk away for good. , what we allow to happen will continue to happen.