[Starling.]

Hello. Firstly, I'm sorry for the incessant help-me-understand-BPD threads. I'm still trying to get to grips with this.

I'm having serious issues in my relationship with my boyfriend, to the point where I think it isn't going to work out, and it would be kinder to finish things now.

Largely it is due to him being more invested in the relationship than I am and needing a lot of reassurance, compliments etc and me being unable or unwilling to deal with this. I think I don't want to deal with the pressure of being responsible for making him feel okay about himself / life in general. I realise this probably makes me seem like a heartless cow.

But basically I'm just wondering if this is a common 'BPD thing' or if it's just me.

I'm feeling quite sad about it.

[June155]

I've had the same issue, but with me in came and went all the time.
I could be the best girlfriend ever, give him all my attention, love, make him talk about his troubled past, and then all of a sudden it felt like he was sucking out all of my energy and I started to push him away and I felt like he was needy all the time and I could not deal with him depending on my kindness.

Then we usually started fighting, he started doing stupid things because I made him absolutely insecure, I started to freak out, didn't want him to leave me, drama drama, and then we made up again and the same cycle started.

I am able to see this now, this relationship has been over for 2,5 years
At that point; I really thought he was the problem and after our break up I was capable of blaming him for everything. I haven't been in a new relationship since, I'm too scared I'll mess it up again or I /he won't be able to handle it

[littlemiss44]

It sounds like that relationship wasn't healthy for you. Don't let his issues cloud yr thoughts about how it ended. You deserve a supportive loving person. One who will love everything about you. Pushing away is a common bpd trait. But what we need to focus on is why were we pushing that person away. Many times you'll see that there were valid issues as to why you pushed. Don't be to hard yourself. Keep fighting the good fight.

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[Mustkeepjob32]

Recurrent unstable emotional relationships with people is hallmark of BPD.

[River11]

Originally Posted by Starling.

Hello. Firstly, I'm sorry for the incessant help-me-understand-BPD threads. I'm still trying to get to grips with this.

I'm having serious issues in my relationship with my boyfriend, to the point where I think it isn't going to work out, and it would be kinder to finish things now.

Largely it is due to him being more invested in the relationship than I am and needing a lot of reassurance, compliments etc and me being unable or unwilling to deal with this. I think I don't want to deal with the pressure of being responsible for making him feel okay about himself / life in general. I realise this probably makes me seem like a heartless cow.

But basically I'm just wondering if this is a common 'BPD thing' or if it's just me.

I'm feeling quite sad about it.

Hi Starling.

Just thought it may be worthwhile to offer my "two-bob worth" as an actual reply to your OP !

As far as I understand the 'BPD thing', it's showing up more in your bf's behaviour in the situation you've described.
Unless perhaps you're feeling uninvested in and burdened by the relationship because you've swung from having "idealized" him to now "devaluing" him ..?

I don't think that not having the same feelings as him or having the reassurance that he needs makes you "a heartless cow" (and no-one really can be responsible for making another feel ok about themselves or life; if he believes he needs that from someone else, he needs healing support to find that in himself).
I do agree that, if you no longer or never did feel for him the kind of loving devotion he's seeking, it would be fairer on both of you to allow him to move on.

Wishing you well

[BPD Ghost]

I have a few cents to add. First of all, the "help me understand BPD" posts are what this forum is all about. When we take time to consider your questions, we get to know ourselves as well.

I relate to your problem with not liking your husband. Rather that is related to BPD depends. First, do you have a black & white relationship? Are there times that he is so high on a pedestal that you thank God for giving the ultimate gift? Then other times when you hate his guts (such as when you posted this thread)? If so, then yes, that is related to the B&W thinking of the disorder.

On the other hand, I at a lecture I listened to yesterday, that often times someone with the disorder will stay with a mate who an average person might have left long ago. This is due to the fear of abandonment trait of BPD. Do you stay with him simply because it frightens you to be alone? If this is the case, my opinion is that it's not fair for either of you. You will most likely have a very hard emotional time breaking it off even though the bugger drives you mad. It's something you need to do like ripping off a bandaid. Just think of the guy out there who will appreciate an emophane and all of the positives of BPD as a lover.

Originally Posted by Starling.

Hello. Firstly, I'm sorry for the incessant help-me-understand-BPD threads. I'm still trying to get to grips with this.

I'm having serious issues in my relationship with my boyfriend, to the point where I think it isn't going to work out, and it would be kinder to finish things now.

Largely it is due to him being more invested in the relationship than I am and needing a lot of reassurance, compliments etc and me being unable or unwilling to deal with this. I think I don't want to deal with the pressure of being responsible for making him feel okay about himself / life in general. I realise this probably makes me seem like a heartless cow.

But basically I'm just wondering if this is a common 'BPD thing' or if it's just me.

I'm feeling quite sad about it.

I don't know if this is due to BPD or not.

I can only say one thing. You are expecting, and needing reassurance a lot yourself, and you don't want to give hime ths ame "making him feel okay about himself/life in general"

I won't accuse you of being a heartless anything at all. But I will say whatever the reasons are that you are unwilling to give this to others is a big issue taht needs to be resolved either in the relationship or before you get into another one with anyone else. Empathy and compassion for the one person who is your SO is very critical to a relationship working.

[Starling.]

Thanks for all your replies.

I don't have the energy right now to respond individually but I may do so at some point.

It has been helpful in helping me to clarify how I actually feel. I do not think it is a 'BPD thing'. We haven't been together very long and although he is a lovely guy, I'm just not really feeling it, and I don't think that feeling bad for someone is a good reason to stay in a relationship. I would never, ever have second guessed myself and my feelings the way I do at the moment before I was diagnosed, and I am absolutely sick of it. My feelings are valid. Not everything is down to 'BPD'. I won't do this any more.

s4ndm4n2006; I am genuinely curious what gives you the impression that I need a lot of reassurance. Granted I have posted several threads here, because I am trying to understand this, but in general I don't believe that I do seek a great deal of reassurance from people in my life - and I certainly don't believe that I am incapable of showing empathy or compassion.