One of my cousins is getting married soon. To this day, she has not even spoken one word to me about it. I first heard about it from my mom, who heard it from her sister (one of my aunts). Despite several messages/emails from my mom to the cousin, she has not replied with one word.

She has not had the courtesy to even forward the agenda or anything to me or to my parents who live 10,000 mi away and are taking the trouble to come here on a 26 hour flight for this wedding.

I got an invitation from my cousin's mom (my aunt), which is the only reason I feel obliged to go. If I hadn't received this, it would have been clear cut for me.

I am FURIOUS about my cousin's behavior, and am considering not going anyway (which would mean that my parents won't go either). I just had a big argument over the phone with my folks who insist that, despite my cousin's blatant rudeness, we should all go and put on fake smiles.

I don't like burning bridges (I've learned this with age and bitter life experience), but this behavior is just so rude and so blatant, that I don't know what to do in this case.

What would you do in this situation ?

[Cynefrid]

I wouldn't pay for flight plus wedding gift to go see someone I'm not close to get married. Send postcard to congratulate, do something more fun for the money

[ifst5]

I agree, if this person can't even be bothered to actually invite you properly i'm not sure what that says about their feelings towards you? I'm not sure why your parents won't go if you won't but you're an adult and you're entitled to your own choices - if you don't want to go, don't.

I certainly wouldn't.

[Silent Void]

I wouldn't go. They don't care about you.

[widgets]

Why go? This cousin is clearly wrapped up in her own world and doesn't have a very strong sense of family!

I don't see why you would put your self through the costs and time when they will not appreciate it and you will not enjoy it..

Think of it in terms of looking after number one. You need to do what's best for YOU no one else.

If she hasn't even replied to contact she isn't worth the bridges, let them burn.

Personally that's what I would do

[Perna]

I do not know how your cousin is arranging her marriage, how many people are invited and whose inviting them, etc. I know for mine, my stepmother invited my stepsister's friends but would not invite her own and I had to "make" her invite her friends too.

If the aunt invited your parents and you I would just go with that, it's not your wedding? I might "forget" to buy a present, but I'd still attend, if only for the aunt's sake and to keep from causing hurt to her.

I was not in charge of my wedding, my stepmother was. I only told her who I wanted to invite and then she invited all the family she felt she had to, etc. If your parents want to come and go to the wedding and want you to go with them then let them come and you all go to the wedding. You have nothing to lose?

I would give your cousin the benefit of the doubt and, when you get married, see how many details there are and things to do before and how anxious/nervous you are and forced to go to parties in your honor and be everlastingly polite, and see how often you think of this cousin? She may not be being spiteful or rude or what you imagine for her, getting married can be extremely stressful for some of us and things fall through the cracks. I would go and enjoy the relatives I do not get to see as often as I like and the "free" party.

[unaluna]

I think your cousin will be very surprised if you make such a long journey - it is probably more than she expects?

Actually, just to clarify, I'm not the one making the long flight. I live a few hours (drive) from my cousin and her wedding site.

It's my parents that have a long distance to travel, because they live on the other side of the world.

[winter4me]

Then, I would send a nice card, a small gift, and stay home; if your parents want to go to the expense, that is their decision.

Originally Posted by Perna

I do not know how your cousin is arranging her marriage, how many people are invited and whose inviting them, etc. I know for mine, my stepmother invited my stepsister's friends but would not invite her own and I had to "make" her invite her friends too.

If the aunt invited your parents and you I would just go with that, it's not your wedding? I might "forget" to buy a present, but I'd still attend, if only for the aunt's sake and to keep from causing hurt to her.

I was not in charge of my wedding, my stepmother was. I only told her who I wanted to invite and then she invited all the family she felt she had to, etc. If your parents want to come and go to the wedding and want you to go with them then let them come and you all go to the wedding. You have nothing to lose?

I would give your cousin the benefit of the doubt and, when you get married, see how many details there are and things to do before and how anxious/nervous you are and forced to go to parties in your honor and be everlastingly polite, and see how often you think of this cousin? She may not be being spiteful or rude or what you imagine for her, getting married can be extremely stressful for some of us and things fall through the cracks. I would go and enjoy the relatives I do not get to see as often as I like and the "free" party.

Thanks, Perna.

I think you're right, and that's what's been going through my mind as well. I don't want to hurt my aunt (bride's mom), even though my cousin is being rude.

Also, like you said, it's a chance to see other relatives. I wouldn't mind that.

The only thing is ... I'll have to try hard to hide my anger about my cousin behaving the way she is.

Originally Posted by widgets

Why go? This cousin is clearly wrapped up in her own world and doesn't have a very strong sense of family!

I don't see why you would put your self through the costs and time when they will not appreciate it and you will not enjoy it..

Think of it in terms of looking after number one. You need to do what's best for YOU no one else.

If she hasn't even replied to contact she isn't worth the bridges, let them burn.

Personally that's what I would do

You're right that I need to do what's best for myself, and that that's my #1 priority.

You're also right about my cousin - she has issues. In fact, I think she might have some psychopathology.

Funny thing, though, is that I see going to the wedding and being able to put on a happy face and staying calm (not let my real emotions show) as a challenge. And, if I succeed, I benefit from it, even though it's my cousin's special occasion.

I think of it as practice for me. Anger has been a big problem of mine forever, and every such occasion is a chance to practice controlling it.

And for other reasons (not wanting to hurt other family members who want to see me there), I think I might end up going. Will just have to make sure to pack my Xanax with me !

Thanks, widgets.

[widgets]

Well if it isnt far for you to Travel. Maybe you should just grit your teeth and go. Even if only to keep your parents company...

I thought you were travelling the 10,000 miles!

As long as you personally have nothing to lose then go.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

One of my cousins is getting married soon. To this day, she has not even spoken one word to me about it. I first heard about it from my mom, who heard it from her sister (one of my aunts). Despite several messages/emails from my mom to the cousin, she has not replied with one word.

She has not had the courtesy to even forward the agenda or anything to me or to my parents who live 10,000 mi away and are taking the trouble to come here on a 26 hour flight for this wedding.

I got an invitation from my cousin's mom (my aunt), which is the only reason I feel obliged to go. If I hadn't received this, it would have been clear cut for me.

I am FURIOUS about my cousin's behavior, and am considering not going anyway (which would mean that my parents won't go either). I just had a big argument over the phone with my folks who insist that, despite my cousin's blatant rudeness, we should all go and put on fake smiles.

I don't like burning bridges (I've learned this with age and bitter life experience), but this behavior is just so rude and so blatant, that I don't know what to do in this case.

What would you do in this situation ?

I'm not quite sure I understand why you are angry. Are you close to you cousin? Are you just angry because she waited too long to send the invitation? How much notice did she give you? I can be pretty oblivious to social conventions, and get very caught up in living my own life. My wife planned almost every aspect of our wedding, but did ask me who I wanted to invite... and we sent out all the invitations at the same time. I don't even like weddings, and tend to avoid family get-togethers. Have you thought about just flipping a coin, or making a list of pros and cons of attending vs not attending to help make your decision?

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

I'm not quite sure I understand why you are angry. Are you close to you cousin? Are you just angry because she waited too long to send the invitation? How much notice did she give you? I can be pretty oblivious to social conventions, and get very caught up in living my own life. My wife planned almost every aspect of our wedding, but did ask me who I wanted to invite... and we sent out all the invitations at the same time. I don't even like weddings, and tend to avoid family get-togethers. Have you thought about just flipping a coin, or making a list of pros and cons of attending vs not attending to help make your decision?

I know it doesn't make any sense, dude :P Never mind this.

It's not worth worrying about, anymore. I'm past the whole thing.

[shakespeare47]

^ I had some problems with my computer or internet connection early this morning.. and I had to resend my comments several times because they were inexplicably erased.... and I did write my response at 4 am. But, at one point I had included that I noticed you were probably upset because your parents tried to contact your cousin, but she didn't respond. I can see how that would be irritating.

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

^ I had some problems with my computer or internet connection early this morning.. and I had to resend my comments several times because they were inexplicably erased.... and I did write my response at 4 am. But, at one point I had included that I noticed you were probably upset because your parents tried to contact your cousin, but she didn't respond. I can see how that would be irritating.

Basically, I was mad at my cousin's my s*** don't stink attitude. Too good to even respond to messages from my parents, because they live in a 3rd world country.

[shakespeare47]

^ do you think it's possible that the cousin just didn't get the messages? I'm just spit-balling. I have no idea of the dynamics.

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

^ do you think it's possible that the cousin just didn't get the messages? I'm just spit-balling. I have no idea of the dynamics.

It's a long messed up story, but no, it's not possible that she didn't get the messages

In any case, since I RSVP'd, I'm going to the wedding.

Most importantly for me, deciding not to go would mean defeat at the hands of my anger, and I will not let that happen.

Me deciding to go is showing myself that I can conquer my anger and still be diplomatic.

Why the duck should I lose sleep over my cousin's wedding, whom I don't even give a duck about ? Just go there, smile, and drive back

[shakespeare47]

So, she is rude...

@ losing sleep. I've been there... it's so true, it just isn't worth it.

[widgets]

It will probably be nice to see your parents? And even the aunt.. Just as long as you are doing it for you not the cousin!