[sininen]

I don't know what to write. I want to collapse and cry.

Maybe I could write my life story again on a forum like I did, but nothing changes. Maybe I could try to change, try to learn as I've learned on my own Finnish language and I've studied fat books, some a little over a 1000 pages, some few hundreds, about computer programming and computer administration, read books about astronomy, about pyschology, about electricity, about human body as I've done and then not find anything to do with my learning, not be able because I am alone and live in a vacuum and even get bullied at my studying from my own family. in society that values ignorance. Maybe I could whine again about life in Egypt, try to show you how it is compared to life in Europe, northern America or many other places, tell you to go google image search for "Cairo traffic", tell you about the kind of hell I lived in at education system that is designed to break people, tell you how difficult it is to move to another place and that moving is a lot more difficult if you come from a "third world country". Tell you the abuse I took from psychiatrists, tell you how broken my family is. I could tell you that they give birth to me at 50 and 40 years old, that my father died when I was 9, that my nearest siblings are 9 years older than me, I could tell you how much I hate and think it is unfair and irresponsible and selfish and stupid to have children at age like that, that I was born in emotional minefield and that nobody had the capacity for me, that there wasn't space for me. Maybe I could try to be positive, and then nothing comes from it, I still find myself alone, I still get bullied and abused and I still have nobody but my broken family, and nobody sees anything and nobody understand anything, nobody has capacity for anything and I just have to rot alone.

But nothing changes. I am just sitting here alone with my fingers on keyboard, my eyes on screen and nothing changes.

Nothing means anything and nothing changes. It doesn't get better.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Message me if you want someone to talk to.

[{Trixy}]

It for sure hands down does get better!! Find that one positive thing and don't let go of it. I'm sorry your feeling defeated, I've actually been feeling the same way about my family. No matter how much I cry to my therapist about my "mommy" issues (I've got tons), i cant change her. I cannot change the people I was put on this earth to share a family with. I cannot change anyone all I can change is my thoughts and my actions. It sounds like you need to take the power back from them and own it for yourself. Your here and your alive, what would you like to do with it? I understand its hard and sometimes seems unworthy of a hard and honest try. But when we push ourselves to do the uncomfortable that's when we impress ourselves for being so damn amazing!!! I hope you feel better xo