[snarkydaddy]

I will start of by saying I have been diagnosed with BPD and a few other gems so take my question and comments through that filter and a temperament of an INTJ.

In therapy and in the various books I have read, the therapist tells us that we are entitled to own to own feelings. And that it is proper and one is not wrong for having them. But it basically stops there. Which for me is a real problem as feelings, quite sinply can be wrong. The information or event(s) that caused those feelings can be mistaken.

So the question is how do those to two issues reconcile themselves? When interacting with others how do you begin to approach this when yourself or another person is stuck on having there own feelings which are based on a false premise?

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by snarkydaddy

I will start of by saying I have been diagnosed with BPD and a few other gems so take my question and comments through that filter and a temperament of an INTJ.

In therapy and in the various books I have read, the therapist tells us that we are entitled to own to own feelings. And that it is proper and one is not wrong for having them. But it basically stops there. Which for me is a real problem as feelings, quite sinply can be wrong. The information or event(s) that caused those feelings can be mistaken.

So the question is how do those to two issues reconcile themselves? When interacting with others how do you begin to approach this when yourself or another person is stuck on having there own feelings which are based on a false premise?

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

we have to take time to think about our feelings and what it is we are actually feeling..for example our perceived "anger" may actually be "fear"

for example we think we are "angry" at a bf/gf/so because they didn't call at a certain time or we texted them and they didn't respond "quickly" enough.
so we think that we are "angry" because they didn't do what we had hoped when in all actually we are "fearful" and our paranoia sets in..fearful they might leave us or not like us anymore or we did something to make them not like us anymore..so when we are "angry" we are programmed to lash out because "that's what angry people do"

so taking time to think about our feelings and figure out why they make us feel this way..i believe it's called mindfulness ( i think ) will go a long way in helping us control our learned behaviors.

so if we can slow down (which of course is very very difficult, i don't have to tell you that) and analyse our feelings instead of melting down and other disruptive behaviors, we can better control our outcomes.

which of course is easier said than done( for some reason life has a funny habit of making things that way!) but it is a practice we need to do
and continually practice at...at times we will fall, but we will need to get back up..dust ourselves off and keep going!

as far as other people..we can only present facts, we cannot bend other's will or expect them to agree on us with everything, but we can agree to disagree on certain aspects..while avoiding any unpleasant entanglements.
we can only present all the evidence and go from there ..some people even in the face of overwhelming evidence will still hold fast to their view/feelings.
in that case there is little we can do other than vacate the area.

i hope this helps

[Trippin2.0]

I'm starting to think I'm not allowed to have any feelings. Not allowed by those closets to me and not by myself either.

My (strong) feelings are nearly always wrong, misguided, inappropriate, disproportionate, and I'm pretty sure they've been trying to kill me.

I think the reply is above is quite accurate, although I think my new project is "no feelings".

[doglover1979]

In DBT we learned to recognize our strong emotions and then to weigh them as justified or effective before reacting. The emotion itself is never wrong, it's an emotion. The result of what you do with an emotion is what matters most. It can make the emotion more manageable or make things a lot worse.

Its a hard thing to do when you spend most of your life reacting, but with practice it can be done. Life has been a lot nicer since I have learned these skills.

[snarkydaddy]

Originally Posted by trying2survive

we have to take time to think about our feelings and what it is we are actually feeling..for example our perceived "anger" may actually be "fear"

for example we think we are "angry" at a bf/gf/so because they didn't call at a certain time or we texted them and they didn't respond "quickly" enough.
so we think that we are "angry" because they didn't do what we had hoped when in all actually we are "fearful" and our paranoia sets in..fearful they might leave us or not like us anymore or we did something to make them not like us anymore..so when we are "angry" we are programmed to lash out because "that's what angry people do"

so taking time to think about our feelings and figure out why they make us feel this way..i believe it's called mindfulness ( i think ) will go a long way in helping us control our learned behaviors.

so if we can slow down (which of course is very very difficult, i don't have to tell you that) and analyse our feelings instead of melting down and other disruptive behaviors, we can better control our outcomes.

which of course is easier said than done( for some reason life has a funny habit of making things that way!) but it is a practice we need to do
and continually practice at...at times we will fall, but we will need to get back up..dust ourselves off and keep going!

as far as other people..we can only present facts, we cannot bend other's will or expect them to agree on us with everything, but we can agree to disagree on certain aspects..while avoiding any unpleasant entanglements.
we can only present all the evidence and go from there ..some people even in the face of overwhelming evidence will still hold fast to their view/feelings.
in that case there is little we can do other than vacate the area.

i hope this helps

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. What you wrote was helpful. I think I will need to turn this over in my head a few more times before I can settle.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by snarkydaddy

I will start of by saying I have been diagnosed with BPD and a few other gems so take my question and comments through that filter and a temperament of an INTJ.

In therapy and in the various books I have read, the therapist tells us that we are entitled to own to own feelings. And that it is proper and one is not wrong for having them. But it basically stops there. Which for me is a real problem as feelings, quite sinply can be wrong. The information or event(s) that caused those feelings can be mistaken.

So the question is how do those to two issues reconcile themselves? When interacting with others how do you begin to approach this when yourself or another person is stuck on having there own feelings which are based on a false premise?

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

Sometimes two people can have different subjective experiences of the same facts. Other times two people may have two different world views. Sometimes you need to clarify the facts then express your feelings.

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[JadeAmethyst]

Thanks, helpful posts and replies...

[snarkydaddy]

Sometimes two people can have different subjective experiences of the same facts. Other times two people may have two different world views. Sometimes you need to clarify the facts then express your feelings.

I think the perspective thst one can have your own feelings unchecked, can lead to as I have observed, rationalization, loss of objectivity and loss of charity and plain stubbornness when trying to grow and over cone a disorder, . I personally find this topic a bit of a slippery slop..

Thank you one and all for your comments. I really do appreciate it.

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[leomama]

In terms of relativity to bpd there's an emotional regulation practice called check the facts. I'll take a picture of my pages from it and post it here. That, I believe, ties into two people have different experiences of the same facts.

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[Fuzzybear]

Thanks for this thread