[Teddy:)]

How do you begin to understand something when you don't understand yourself? I have been asking myself this question a lot lately, I am not sure if this is even the right forum but I feel I can relate to what people say here. I am just struggling to find where I belong.
I have always felt flawed in some way, like there was something distinctly wrong with me, I always put it down to be shy or anxious because that's what everyone said it was, but now I don't know. I have these ideas of what I would like to achieve but I don't know whether it is something that I really want or whether it is something that I think I need to have to be classed as normal.
I have massive self doubt about everything I do, I don't do anything because I fear the judgement of others, I have these views that people are always talking about me and they can somehow see through my outward facade. I always struggle to be around people,I have this social awkwardness, I hate being alone, but can't bare being around people for long periods of time. I don't feel they will ever understand me, not to mention the fact that I would never trust anyone enough to allow them into my world. The world through my eyes is a scary place,my view is to trust no one because they will just whined up hurting you.
I have anger but few see it, I reserve that for myself, I do get irritated, there are a maltatude of things that annoy me, but my anger is usely directed towards myself. I have self harmed since I was young, not in a suicidal way but as a way of releasing just some of my flawed self and for bringing my emotions under control. I feel I need this because the thought of allowing my emotions to be in a way unmasked would be frightening and I wouldn't know how I would deal with it.
I fear people leaving me and am on constant look out for any signs that this could happen. I place people in a ideal role that I have always wanted for myself, it is mainly the mother figure and I become almost obsessed with them. It is only when I perceive something that makes me realise this is not reality that I become angry at them, I often accuse them of not caring enough and give up before they give up on me. I get so angry at myself for falling for their tricks, I make myself promise never to open myself up that much again but it never lasts.
I am stuck in my life and don't understand why or how to make it different, sometimes I question whether I am even capable of changing it and tell myself that I should just get use to it.

The pain that change will bring, I relate to dying , but the pain of not doing anything is just as bad. So what does one do! I just want it to all go away.

[Multiple survivor]

We can heal from BPD, but there is a lot of work that has to go into that change. It is worth it. Additionally, figuring out triggers and how to maintain new thinking will be a part of your everyday routine. For example, if you exercise routinely then stop, the muscle(s) or area that benefits the most from the workout, will go back to the way it was b4 u began to work it out, thus the reason to never stop exercising it. Different exercise can be incorporated or modified where needed.
I hope this makes sense.:

[detachedangst]

So much of what you just said explains me perfectly. Please know you are not alone. I am just starting out on the road to get help. It has been a struggle but fortunately I realized the things in my life I want to fight for.

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