I've had enough of this neverending rollercoaster...

I wish it could just be a major depression caused by PTSD that could be treated. But it's really not... cause I can feel SO happy sometimes, and the next second I'm having a panic attack. Nothing ever gets better and in the long run, nothing really changes. I feel like I need to remind myself of the coming pain by always keeping fresh self-harm sores on my legs and sometimes by triggering myself to have control. I don't want to feel happy and then just loose it. This isn't living. I'm at an institution, A, the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with has BPD too, is a heroin addict trying to recover and who constantly gets death threats from junkies and dealers, my 14 year old brother's been so ill he can barely move for the past 2 years, my mom's recovering from kushings syndrome, has a major depression and is suicidal and my father who used to be abusive towards me hates himself because of me. How could anything ever get better? I'm not even a real person. If you'd take my mental illness away there'd be nothing left of me. I act like the people I'm currently around but there really is no 'me'. I'm scared. I promised A to take her away from here next year. To escape all of those bad people in her life. But how the hell are we, two 18 and 19 (now 17 and 18) year old borderlines gonna make it on our own? I'm scared. And empty. I want to scream but I'm so calm. Why can't anything ever be easy?

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Hello, isntlifewonderful. "I'm at an institution ..." Does that mean you have been institutionalized? If so, did you voluntarily enter the institution to receive treatment?

Whether you are in an institution or not, it is apparent what is going on is not working. My suggestion is to print your post for those who are now treating you. If you are not being treated, to seek professional help and use the post to explain the issues you are enduring.

Good luck.

I understand that BPD is in fact considered one of the more treatable PD's. The biggest problem is that given we're so hard to work with it's hard to find someone to treat you but at least you're not an NPD/AsPD. They have it infinitely worse.

You're also still very young. Starting treatment this early means there is a very good chance that by 30 you'll be at least partially 'cured.'

Yeah... and I don't wanna live here, but as I'm underage and both my parents and social services thought I needed to live somewhere else and get more intense help, so I don't have much to say about it. I'm allowed out when I turn 18 this december though.

I don't trust the people here, except for my therapist. I love him... but he's currently on vacation. I know I should accept the help they're offering me but it scares me. I don't feel as if they'd understand, and they'd probably just laugh at me or something. Cause I'm pretty pathetic tbh.

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One of my biggest regrets is that when I had support and the opportunity for help I threw it away.

Now when I want to get better I'm struggling to find the support I need.

Please don't throw away this chance. Even if they do laugh at you it won't change anything. You'll still be hurting but at least you'll know that you didn't lose an opportunity.