[Espresso]

Why do I have to be like this? On any given day, there's no telling what will set me off. The mood swings the anger, oh the anger, are getting the best of me. And then once something makes me angry/upset/depressed, I become incredibly sensitive to everything else that happens around me. I almost yelled obscenities at a man that was standing too close to me in line at CVS. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I have normal emotions? Someone made me angry today and then for hours I was filled with intense emotions. I tried to get past it, I tried distress tolerance skills, I tried creating physical pain to alleviate the emotional turmoil, but nothing worked. I had to go on with my life and eventually things went back to my usual nothingness, but why did I have to react like that in the first place? Life is hopeless.

[glok]

Hello, Espresso. Perhaps, the more pertinent question is not why but how you are going to deal with your disorder?

[Skitz13]

I hear ya. I get it. Going through the exact same thing you are. I've become so tired of it all. The therapy, the meds, trying alternative medicines, DBT skills, then the road blocks and all the while trying to keep a smile on my face so people don't ask why I'm so miserable.

I'm the last one who should be giving any kind of advice. I just wanted you to know, I understand

[Blitter2014]

Originally Posted by Espresso

Why do I have to be like this? I tried to get past it...... I had to go on with my life and eventually things went back to my usual nothingness, but why did I have to react like that in the first place? Life is hopeless.

And therein for me lies the key. I can try to forsee situations that may trigger, I can feel when it's close.....

But when it unleashes I cannot stop it, unless I scare myself with a huge adrenaline rush or let it out. The key for me is accepting and diverting. Learning how to release it in a controlled non destructive manner. Finding that safe place you can release without doing personal, emotional, physical or other damage. Can you get something in place? If partnered, have a warning word so others around you know. If driving have a strategy to pull over and turn up stereo and scream. Do what you need to, but don't beat yourself up. remember there is no shame where there is no choice. And I don't know anyone with BPD who had a choice...



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[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Blitter2014

And therein for me lies the key. I can try to forsee situations that may trigger, I can feel when it's close.....

But when it unleashes I cannot stop it, unless I scare myself with a huge adrenaline rush or let it out. The key for me is accepting and diverting. Learning how to release it in a controlled non destructive manner. Finding that safe place you can release without doing personal, emotional, physical or other damage. Can you get something in place? If partnered, have a warning word so others around you know. If driving have a strategy to pull over and turn up stereo and scream. Do what you need to, but don't beat yourself up. remember there is no shame where there is no choice. And I don't know anyone with BPD who had a choice...



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Well said, and great advice...

[jean17]

Originally Posted by Plzsti

I hear ya. I get it. Going through the exact same thing you are. I've become so tired of it all. The therapy, the meds, trying alternative medicines, DBT skills, then the road blocks and all the while trying to keep a smile on my face so people don't ask why I'm so miserable.

I'm the last one who should be giving any kind of advice. I just wanted you to know, I understand

I know. I feel the same way. I'm 57 and it's just too hard. But if I don't keep trying (with DBT), there's nothing else. That "smile-mask" is so hard, but it's the only way to survive. I hope you can somehow get to feeling better.

[Espresso]

Thanks, everyone. Yesterday was a bad day. The frustrating part was that I was having a good day. There were no negative incidents and maybe even some good things. And then I was in a situation where one person did three different incredibly irritating and idiotic things to me. If it had been just one, maybe I could have worked through it. But the second one was the biggest one, and the third one was simply adding insult to injury. And then I was left to stew in all my inflamed juices. Maybe I should have confronted her? But I don't like confrontation. I hate it. I know my emotional reaction was over the top, but it just happened. That's how I reacted. I couldn't help how I felt, but I was able to control my actions. I don't know. I hate this.

[Kimaya]

The drain the drain goes mainly with the pain... It is a drain to have the smile mask on - for all people I am sure - just a little harder for us. I have more control over my anger as long as I am on an SSRI. My tears I could control as well as I could hold water in my hands.

One thing I do to help my mask stay in place is to make a sort of pretend-act with the people who I am getting frustrated with. I force myself to roleplay as if nothing is wrong. Sounds obvious I know, but when applied with diligence it has good results. It is easier to maintain acquaintances and to appear less crazy.

If something goes wrong I don't immediately try to resolve it with the other person, I just pretend I didn't notice or realize there was a problem. If they confront me with it, I continue pretending - act surprised and helpful in resolving. If nothing else it is amusing to see the other person get nothing out of their own behavior while robbing them of the chance to do the same to you, and at best it builds up a reputation you may not have normally. Of course, it only takes one or two slips before they all know you have a mask on and begin to fear or despise the person beneath edit: (meaning me, not you! Just my experiences with my crappy mask).

Anyway, ***hugs**** And woe to the person who is rude to me in the walmart.... smile mask is for work. LOL