[Achy Turtle Armor]

Dear Dr. C,

Sooooooo

I'm 43 years old now and since you were a significant part of my life for 5 years or so I wanted to share something with you. I was diagnosed with major depression with a side of Borderline Personality Disorder around 2003. Of course that means that I've probably had this for a long time. It was only recently, when I relapsed with several BPD criteria, that I accepted that I have BPD. So why am I telling you this? Well as my relationship with my therapist, for ten years, has become crazy (I obsess over him) ...AGAIN... I started to look at my past relationships and the ways I behaved. This is not therapeutic really, I just had a strong urge to contact you to say a few things.

I am sorry for any grief, confusion, and aggravation that I probably caused. I thank you for not behaving in ways that could have made me so much worse. You did a fine job at keeping boundaries with me even though I am sure that I tried to push them. If you had not already decided that I have BPD then this might just illuminate a few things for you and things might make more sense.

You have no idea, or maybe you do, how attached I was with you. This has been happening all my life, as long as I can remember anyway. When these relationships are over I tend to block the whole thing out. I've done this with women as well as men and of course that made me question my own sexuality. Yet another BPD trait. I can only assume that as a highly educated man that you know what BPD is so I will not try to explain it. Maybe you are wondering which of the nine criteria I have. I can more easily tell you the one I do not have very often. I rarely have any episodes of dissociation. The rest of them though come and go like the seasons.

I don't want to bore you with my mental illness history. Hell, maybe I told you already. Among other things, my on and off history of marijuana use had not helped with my memory. If you are interested I'd be happy to tell you more but for now I just needed to apologize for any confusion I may have caused and I need to thank you for being an amazing teacher and friend. Love, C

[Kimaya]

Turtle....

Did you maybe do this as a way to cope with not contacting your T? *hugs*

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Ha! That's a very good question. Yes. I think that might be part of it. I think I'm lonely even though I have a dog on my lap and my H is within arms reach. I feel really needy which is strange because I consider myself introverted but if someone asked me how I am doing... They'd probably not mean it and regret asking. Thankfully I have laundry to do so I will finally get out of this damn house.

[Kimaya]

Good call.

It sounds like you spend a lot of time self-examining. I do too. So I get that... I wish I had the motivation to do laundry right now, but I am thinking of having an ice cream and a good book.... yum.