[Achy Turtle Armor]

This is amazing. I came home to H actually doing something. He was outside washing the pool filter! He was super sweaty and all red in the face. It made me smile. I offered to get him a cold drink but he declined. He comes in and gets changed into his pajamas washed up a bit I suppose. I say to him, "it's good to sweat isn't it?" He says, "No." I said I think it is. He makes a cola and comes into the lounge and says to me, "It needs to be finished." I say, "OK" but look blankly at him. I am confused. Why did he stop when he wasn't finished? So I ask that. He just repeats himself. Then he storms off and says I'll finish it. So I say OK. So now he's out there pressure washing it again or to completion...in his pajamas! I'm not going to do that right now! I just got home from work thirty minutes ago.
I lift heavy boxes all day.

I bet when he comes in all dirty and sweaty again he is angry with me. Please tell me... Should I be out there helping or doing it for him?

[gayleggg]

A lot depends on, does he work or is it his day off. But with the heat, if he's not used to it might need to take a break even if he hasn't finished. Wouldn't want him to get heat stroke.

I understand my husband doesn't do things by my time schedule or wishes either.

[ruedecascades]

You could just ask him and see what he says.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

My H doesn't work. He has peripheral neuropathy which is basically pain in his feet. I am sure that at least some of it is psychosomatic. He is on methadone. He should know to come in don't you think? He has commented that I might get heat stroke sometime. I think he is being stubborn. I went back out to the patio and said why don't you finish this tomorrow morning when it's cooler? He says, "I want to get it done."

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Phew... I think I was worried over nothing.

[shakespeare47]

Still. It sounds like he was making you guess at what he meant... but, of course this is just arm-chair therapy (is that a phrase?). I don't know either of you, or how you relate to each other.

[Verity81]

Nah his a grown man so if he wants to cut off his nose to spite his face he can. Sounds like he was acting a bit like a teenager! But I guess we all have those days!!

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[Achy Turtle Armor]

Yeah he was being his usual self but I am glad that I didn't give in because hopefully he will get the message that I can't read his mind and he needs to finish what he started. I did make dinner, per usual, but I was more happy to make it for us than I usually am after work.

[Gingy01]

Perhaps you could have asked him if he would like some help after the drink question.

That's probably what he was looking for.

My father was always like this. I would just stare at him while watching him labor because I just didn't want to help. Then he would throw his passive aggressive hissy fit "it needs to get done" blah blah...you seem genuinely confused though at what he was getting at.

Sometimes you just have to make the offer and hope to God they say "no thanks" (my favorite words) to avoid conflict that just gives everyone a headache.

[Verity81]

Maybe he did want help but you have been at work all day and you cooked dinner. So it was either you help and dinner doesn't get done or he gets fed. Exactly how many arms does he think you have! Lol

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[Gingy01]

Trigger warning:

OP it sounds like you kind of mocked him. I will tread lightly however your comment towards him about being sweaty without even offering help was a bit rude. What you said could be interpreted as "ha yeah it's nice to actually do something for once in your life" - and by the first line of your first post perhaps that's what you meant. And then you added with "yeah you're not done yet. what are you doing? get back out there" after he dropped a huge hint he wanted you to do it.

That doesn't excuse his lack of knowing when he has to stop and his rude behavior. And I don't know his health but you don't just get methadone for nothing and if he's disabled (i'm just assuming) you also don't get that for nothing. And also you were on the computer while he was outside

Just pointing out several things he might be mad at. And to be honest I would be too.

[trying2survive]

if he wanted help, idk why he didn't just ask..i would think a simple.."honey could you give me a hand with this " would suffice

[Gingy01]

It's good manners to offer. Surely that's not odd thinking, is it?

If we see someone in physical assertion it's normal to offer some help, right? If someone's dripping sweat and not even getting the question they might be angry and not ask at all.

Sure! I don't need any help just stand there.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Gingy01

It's good manners to offer. Surely that's not odd thinking, is it?

If we see someone in physical assertion it's normal to offer some help, right? If someone's dripping sweat and not even getting the question they might be angry and not ask at all.

Sure! I don't need any help just stand there.

i would imagine you are correct..but it depends on the circumstance
idk much about pool filters or if it is a one person or two person job.

so in that instance it's hard to say.

but for the sake of common courtesy i can see your point.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Gingy01

It's good manners to offer. Surely that's not odd thinking, is it?

If we see someone in physical assertion it's normal to offer some help, right? If someone's dripping sweat and not even getting the question they might be angry and not ask at all.

Sure! I don't need any help just stand there.

So I come home from standing on concrete all day, lifting heavy boxes, and other tasks... I see him outside sweaty... I was in shock I suppose to see him off the couch not playing video games. I don't think that it was rude to offer a drink but not help. It is a one person job. I did tell him, at some point, that I would be happy to do it again (it will need 2 or 3 cleanings) today. I followed through and did my turn at washing it today.

Then I made dinner.

I know that I said in sickness and in health but I didn't expect my partner to give up on living a life with me. He stopped taking his antidepressants 2 years ago. It is clear to me that when he is more depressed than usual, his feet hurt more. Oh, and he also likes to threaten suicide when I attempt to stand up to him and be more honest about my feelings.

One more thing... I don't use the computer. I use my cell phone.

[shakespeare47]

@ the OP. Women do it to. My wife said to me this morning "some animal knocked over the trash can and made a mess in the garage." LOL. The trash can is right in my path to my truck, so why did she think it necessary to mention it?