[learningtolive2013]

I'm so confused and exhausted from thinking. I don't know why I can't be strong and make the decisions I need to, I'm paralyzed with fear and anxiety.

I moved from a town I didn't really like, a place I didn't want to raise my son and went to my sisters out of state and that didn't work out for me there, I had a huge fight with her husband (He's very emotionally, mentally abusive) and I couldn't take it and left, I was at hotels for a few nights debating on if I should even stay in that town, I was running out of money and no place to live so I decided to come back to where I was (staying with my daughter) and now staying in the town I didn't really like, the place I don't really want to raise my son.

I'm having trouble finding work or apartments and my son starts school in 2 weeks.

I keep debating on if I want to throw all of my time and energy on finding a job and a place here since I don't like it and I'm in a position at the moment of no job or place so it's not like I'm stuck here. The only reason I'm considering staying here is because my ultimate goal is to move to where my ex is "where that will be in a year" so that he can be close to my son.

I don't really want to make a big move until then because I'm just going to be moving again anyway when my ex finds out where he's going (he's in the military and retiring in a year). I'm moving my son near him so that he can be in his life and I can have some help from him. I've thought about moving to where he is now but he's only going to be there for a year.

Do I stay put or do I say forget moving close to my ex in a year and go live my life where I choose?

[gma45]

I am probably not going to be much help because I am not good at decisions myself. But I feel like I need to say something. I think I would stay put for a year and see where your ex is going to be. Then make a decision. How old is your son? If he is just starting school it might be better just to stay put for a bit than to keep moving him every year. Just my two cents, hope it helps a bit.

[learningtolive2013]

I know that makes the most sense. Just focus on staying here for a year until I find out where my ex is going because the most important thing about where I live is that my son has a relationship with his dad and I get the support I've been lacking.

I'm scared though, I'm scared that his plans will change and he will continue to make decisions that take him away from his son and I've sacrificed the next year all for nothing.

[learningtolive2013]

He's already being wishy washy with his plans after he retires.. I asked him if he planned to go to his hometown "Which is what he's wanted to do since I've known him" and now all of a sudden "he's not sure".. Wherever he said he can find a job. I had planned to go ahead and move to his hometown and be established before he got there in a year but he's telling me he's not even sure that he's going there and he just doesn't know what his plans are.. It's frustrating for me to try and create some stability and reach the goals I want just waiting on him..

A part of me wants to say the heck with it, find where I want to settle with my son and if he wants to be a part of his life then he can figure out what he wants in life and move to where we are if that is important to him. But I know he probably wouldn't do that and I feel it necessary to make those decisions for him by waiting to move to him.. I don't know, it's all so confusing and overwhelming and I just want to get on with my life and make the best decisions that I can for me and my son ((sigh))

[ifst5]

A part of me wants to say the heck with it, find where I want to settle with my son and if he wants to be a part of his life then he can figure out what he wants in life and move to where we are if that is important to him.

This is probably the wisest course of action.

But I know he probably wouldn't do that and I feel it necessary to make those decisions for him by waiting to move to him..

You can't make his mind up for him. It's unrealistic not to mention...somewhat controlling. If his son is important to him he will travel no matter how far he lives away. If he doesn't then who's really at a loss here? Your son has you and he will no doubt have plenty of strong male figures both at school and in his extended family. You're not a failure for not being able to convince your ex of the correct priorities. I would decide quickly upon the next course of action, civilly inform your ex of the plans with the emphasis on your sons desire to have him visit as and when possible and from there - move on. It will be hard, with plenty of tears and upset along the way most likely but you and your son are entitled to a life that's settled and with the best chance of happiness. Good luck to you both.

[Trippin2.0]

You can't spend your life (and your son's entire childhood) chasing down his dad.

Its his dad's responsibility to financially support, maintain regular contact and form a lasting relationship with his son. Its not for you to decide how he should do this, nor is it neccessary for you to chase him down to make sure that he does. He's a grownazz man. And if he can't act like one and actually needs some micro-managment?

Well the courts have professional babysitters for adults just like him. Let them decide what he pays, and how often to visit.

Its not wise for you to put your life and your plans on hold, just so you can witness his next move before you decide on how you will proceed.

What if you live in this limbo for a whole year and he moves somewhere unexpected? What if you follow him and he decides on a new location? What then? Will you move your son yet again?

Settle down and settle in where YOU choose, in the area that best suites both you and your son.

Let daddy dearest figure out for himself whether he should move there too or visit regularly.

[learningtolive2013]

Thank you so much for the insight.. I was too emotionally involved still to see any logic or reason. You both are right and it's time I move on... Thank you so much again..