I feel at home here....weird but true

The more I read about borderline personality, the more I see that I do have many traits associated with it. I am not sure if I officially fit a diagnosis but I wouldn't be surprised if I did. I don't have some of the symptoms such as physical self harm but I do seem to harm myself in other ways but not on purpose. I have had much trouble with relationships and the ability to keep jobs from quitting (never fired) and also the most troublesome one...relocating to other states or other towns without good reasons. I could go on about the other BPD details but I am most interested in some of your opinions about the over 45 times moving about the country (8 different US states and numerous towns) without good concrete reasons. I think they are good reasons at the time but in actuality they are not.

I don't move for a job change. I am on disability. I don't even know what the apt looks like before I move. I don't move because I have family or friends there. These are my odd reasons for moving: lower crime rate, better weather, less traffic and the like. The last time I moved I just lost my mini-schnauzer to illness and I felt lost. The time before that, I lost my relationship.

I am not kidding here. I moved to the border of Maine and Canada in the middle of nothing. I made it through the harsh winter but in just 4 months time, I wanted to move back where I moved from.

Anyone have any ideas why I may decide to move away from a place? OR Do you yourself do this and find yourself in a worse situation than you were in like I do so many times? I am also talking to my T about this. This behavior is self destructive but at the time I am not conscious of this.

Thanks

MDD
ADHD
GAD

The desire to start with a clean slate ? Meet new people, see new places. Especially if you have had bad/failed relationships.

Boredom ?

A very good possibility. I do get bored easily and newness does give me some type of hope. I am confused because since I have ADHD, is this diagnosis propelling me to change due to low dopamine and I need excitement OR is it a fallacy in thinking due to my past childhood trauma in which BPD tendencies might be the culprit?

All I know is this behavior causes so much strife and a huge paper trail. I seem to keep myself busy for no good reason. It is exhausting to keep moving but somehow I don't consider the consequences, I only consider the positives if they are in fact true. Thanks lilo for sharing!

MDD
ADHD
GAD

Or ... could it be that you are a perfectionist, and are searching for the "perfect" place to settle down ?

I actually think it's kinda cool to explore different places, but it sounds like you move too often ... that can be stressful, no doubt.

I know that I have found my perfect place - Santa Barbara, CA I know that there are so many unexplored and exotic places out there, and I know that our environment can have a great impact on our well being, but I can't seem to want to move outta here !

It could be that I am just looking for the perfect situation in everyway. This is so frustrating to me. Where ever I go I have to take my depression and thoughts with me so it won't matter where I go, it will still be difficult. I seem to know this but it does not register like it should. I feel like I have a wire disconnected.... lol ..... The same moves equal the same effects and if one keeps doing something over and over with the same negative outcomes...this equals insanity....

Sheesh...I wish there were support groups where I live for depression. There isn't a lot here for people with depression. It is a shame, really.

Thanks for sharing

MDD
ADHD
GAD

Hello SideBlinded, do you not find the moves stressful ?. Do you think maybe you are running away from things that have not gone well for you. Boredom plays a big part in my life, and in your's also.... You know that you are never going to find the perfect place, but that is only my opinion. That's what I tell myself anyway.

Best wishes

Yes, I think I am trying to get away from bad stuff. I must be hoping to find better this or that. Kinda tricky thinking in a way. I am thinking that depression and grief play a huge role in my thinking process. The truth of the matter is that even if I lived in a beautiful place I still have the same thinking brain and the same thoughts that accompany me so I think I am just starting to get a handle on this crazy moving I have been doing. Physically leaving one problem just puts me geographically close to another problem. Crazy way of solving problems if done to the extreme as in my case. I just have to stop using the wrong reasons. I hope I can do this. I have a T but his schedule is tight.

MDD
GAD
ADHD

You said you get bored easily. Are you constantly trying to find something new & interesting? Does moving from place to place fill an empty hole? Does it make life more exciting & fulfilling?

I do think that I am looking for something new and interesting but at the same time I think that I am running away from discontent. I think the first thing that happens are bad feelings that sometimes I know what they are and sometimes I don't. Then I most probably rationalize and see the grass greener somewhere else. So maybe...first come the feelings...then comes the thoughts. My way of fixing things is really screwed up so this is why I am taking a hard look at this.

But I will say that the newness gets old quickly. So I eventually realize that my reasons were not very good ones.

Thanks for your questions!