[Little Jay]

I know you probably get sick of all the people constantly coming here saying "I think I have BPD", so I'm sorry

It all started when I was 14, I started to realise that I didn't feel "normal" anymore. I had severe low moods and started to self harm. In this time, I did have times where I felt good and almost forgot how bad I felt. I started to feel disconnected from my family, and like I wasn't even really a part of the family. No matter how often I told them how I felt and how often they would say to stop being silly and reassured me, I still felt that way. I was only 14 but I was already getting with a load of guys and doing stuff with them (though I didn't actually lose my virginity until I had just turned 15). I didn't feel loved or like I belonged anywhere, and even then I knew inside that really it was only to feel like I mattered or was cared about for a little while.

When I was 15, I started to think about suicide. I don't know where the thought came from but it suddenly became almost an obsession. I ended up trying to commit su nearly 3 months after turning 15 and ending up in hospital. I went home the next day because I said that I felt fine again, promising I wouldn't do it again - they believed me and let me go. I then started to feel low again, and when my Mum asked if I was okay I told her that no, I didn't feel okay. She took me to a doctor and I was put on Prozac and given weekly sessions with a therapist and we had a review with a psychiatrist every 3 months. I saw them until I was 17 and in that time the dosage was adjusted a few times but nothing they did seemed to help.

Then a few months after being discharged I was back in front of a doctor for feeling suicidal. I was given a prescription for Citalopram and sent on my way. The new medication did nothing, even on a really high dose, so I just never went back and stopped my meds cold turkey because I was starting to lose hope and felt like nothing would work.

At 18 I was in A&E multiple times, all because I felt suicidal - one time was a result of my boyfriend threatening to leave me, and then asking me to promise him I wouldn't do anything stupid (he knows all about my mental health problems) and I told him I couldn't promise that etc, etc, so he dragged me there. Looking back on it, I feel like I must have seemed like one of those crazy girls who threatens to kill herself if her boyfriend leaves... but somehow at the time I was so emotional I actually meant it. He apologised and has been amazing to me ever since... I guess I'm just a bit much for him to deal with sometimes.

I was admitted to a psych ward at the beginning of this year and was there for a week and a half. I was on Zoloft at this point. I'd gone from feeling the lowest of suicidal, to questioning why I felt that way and feeling fine a day or so later. Which sounds ridiculous but it's true. I must think they all think I'm a liar because how can someone be so depressed and then feel fine a couple of days later, and the last couple of days I actually felt good (with a load of ups and downs in between). My Zoloft dosage was increased and I was sent home after me constantly saying I felt fine now and wanted to go home.

Now I'm 19, and have been on a couple of different meds since that, and still nothing has helped. I'm left thinking am I a defect or something and why are these meds not helping me. Plus surely a depressed person should feel really depressed all the time?

I started to question that I really was just depressed and started looking into it online. Nothing I found seemed to match up to me until I found a page mentioning BPD. It felt like I was just reading about myself!

I feel empty a lot... sometimes I feel like I'm not even connected to my body at all. I get really worked up and agitated really easy - I've been snapping at and being really nasty to my boyfriend at times lately, it's not until after I stop and think gosh was that really me being that way and then apologising. I also get really upset if anyone leaves me. If he wants to go out and make plans without me or something I'm sat there at home thinking that he doesn't care about me and actually even crying at times.. I seem to be able to convince myself that nobody cares about me and I know that I get so paranoid and overreact but I just can't help it. I feel like everyone is going to get fed up of me and just leave me, so I either try and push them away to avoid the eventual pain they will cause by walking out of my life, or I just desperately try to not be a way that would make them get fed up of me. I know the way I can be especially when I am depressed I feel must be horrible for everyone, it must feel like they are dealing with a child a lit of the time.. I constantly ask my boyfriend that he's not going to get fed up of me or leave me.. It doesn't matter how much i'm reassured I will probably still ask when we are old and grey!

I guess, I just wondered how did you get your diagnosis - were you diagnosed as depressed before? I haven't actually been told what's "wrong" with me apart from when I was 15 and asked if I knew "what depression meant". I just get given meds for my "low moods". I just don't know if I should mention all this to my psychiatrist or if he'll think i'm just one of those people he probably see;s every day trying to self-diognose. I even feel like my psychiatrist doesn't care, so I guess that's why I struggle to open up properly to him. I don't even know his name! I guess I'm just a bit confused at the minute, I stumbled upon a page on BPD and suddenly it's like it makes sense - I've always wanted to know what's "wrong" with me..

Sorry for the long post, any thoughts would really be appreciated!

[Notoriousglo]

I don't see borderline when I read your post. What I do see is a severe depression and definitely low self-esteem. Borderline is a pretty complex diagnoses...and I probably wouldn't know if you even had it from your post, but when I think of the way borderlines are or what the borderline concept involves, I don't see it here.

I still think you should bring it up to a professional (just say what you said here..., that you read about it and wonder if it fits you???)...why don't you have a therapist? A therapist could help you figure out if you have this.

Think of a borderline like someone bouncing between two states...unable to feel attached to both states at one time...and not sure how to get back to the other one...like a split. You could tell me more if you wanted, but I still am not a reliable source and the only person that could help you with this is a therapist.

I went through a lot of diagnoses and didn't know I was a borderline until I was told by my therapist.

Well, good luck and keep looking for answers. Don't give up, sweetie!

[Espresso]

Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. I was depressed and suicidal as a young teenager (though I never ended up in the hospital). I began self harming around 17. I was given the depression diagnosis in my late teens. My fear of abandonment started to cause problems with relationships in my early 20's. Other BPD symptoms started becoming apparent. I ended up in the hospital last year because of suicidal ideation/intent, and I was given the BPD diagnosis.

Originally Posted by Little Jay

I'd gone from feeling the lowest of suicidal, to questioning why I felt that way and feeling fine a day or so later. Which sounds ridiculous but it's true. I must think they all think I'm a liar because how can someone be so depressed and then feel fine a couple of days later, and the last couple of days I actually felt good (with a load of ups and downs in between).

This is how I often felt/feel, too. I have a distinct memory of sitting in my bed a couple years ago thinking, "Wanting to commit suicide isn't normal, but these mood swings don't seem like depression... so what's wrong with me?"

Originally Posted by Little Jay

Plus surely a depressed person should feel really depressed all the time?

I wondered this, too. I think there can be variation within the depressive episode. You can have good days and you can have bad days, but overall, the trend is low mood or empty or whatever your other depression symptoms might be. Over the past year, I've learned to distinguish between my depression and my BPD symptoms as they come and go.

Originally Posted by Little Jay

I started to question that I really was just depressed and started looking into it online. Nothing I found seemed to match up to me until I found a page mentioning BPD. It felt like I was just reading about myself!

I did the same thing (when I was sitting in my bed questioning my mood swings a couple paragraphs above), but I ignored the similarities because the site I was looking at said borderlines are manipulative and I truly didn't see myself as such. When BPD was mentioned to me by the doctor last year, I looked it up in a book and I was astounded by the similarities. Just like you, it felt like much of the book has been written about me.

So, after all of my rambling, what's my point? In your post, I saw many things that could indicate BPD, and I also saw many things that pointed to depression at times. Our experiences are similar and I ended up with the BPD diagnosis, but it's always hard to tell from an internet post and I'm also no psychiatrist.

I would recommend bringing up your doubts to your doctor. I personally wouldn't mention that I had diagnosed myself, but it's certainly relevant to tell him that the meds aren't working and that you are experiencing all these other things that don't seem to fit or be caused by depression.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Thanks for sharing your story. It does sound like BPD but we can't diagnose here obviously. I know you're on meds, is therapy an option? Like talking it out with someone. I think that might help you.

[widgets]

What you describe I definitely relate to...

I think you should talk to you psychiatrist or doctor and tell them about the difficulties in your relationship and also your fluctuations in mood and fear of abandonment.
It's their job to explore that and diagnose..

It's difficult because anyone can read a page on BPD and feel they relate but that's it's the intensity of these symptoms that make the difference.

Even If it isnt BPD, you need help as you are clearly facing a lot of difficulties and maybe some of the treatments used for Bpd will help.

Keep us posted