[emmaleewhispers]

My mind is a torture chamber in which my thoughts are picked apart and cannibalized by my own psyche.

I'm not sure what's really real anymore even though I know what's actually real. I'm a confused and troubled soul and my heart has been annihilated by shame and guilt.

I am falling apart, or maybe I just want to be falling apart so someone will pay attention to me. I can't stand to be healthy and successful because it brings positive attention, and I'm not quite sure what to do with that. Positive attention is foreign to me; it is negative attention that I crave so deeply.

I loathe everything about me and have no sense of self-identity. I am lost, dazed, f'ed up and utterly desperate. I (almost) believe it's worth it just to give up my independence to have someone take care of me and everything I need.

I'm constantly looking for "mother figures" and never quite getting the attention my four-year-old inner child needs.

I am such a pathetic human being, a waste of space (as my former partner used to tell me), a failure.

I cannot wrap my head around how to run my life and be self-sufficient. I have always depended on my mother. And now that my mother is gone (and that's probably my fault too), I am stuck in a rut with no idea how to be a functioning member of society.

(This is starting to sound like a suicide note, but rest assured I am not contemplating suicide at this moment; I do, however feel like giving up and wish there was a less permanent solution than death -- can't I just sleep for a year or so? But then again, what would that solve?)

I'm grasping at straws for anything, everything, that might resemble a hug or a kind word.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[greyclouds]

I don't have a great lot to say. Other then
I feel your pain.

[Blitter2014]

Group hugs. Well done for reaching out here on PC. It sounds like things seem pretty bleak for you, and that can be really scary. But don't give up. Baby steps. Get through this moment, the next hour the next day. Do something to treat yourself for coping each day. Worry about the future when it gets here. Focus if you can on surviving today.
Hugs