[JFPL]

Hello all, I'm new. I'm a 21 year old male. This might be a long post.

In my early teens I was taken to hospital after a paracetamol overdose and spent half a year there, being treated for psychosis and anxiety. Eventually I was diagnosed with autism and sent to a special boarding school that was also a treatment place. I saw a therapist specialised in autism, and pretty quickly they realised that I didn't have autism, as I hadn't had the symptoms as a child, and began to once again get rid of the symptoms once the psychosis got better, while autism is a lifelong condition that won't suddenly disappear. I began to see a therapist specialised in trauma instead as I had experienced that, recovered from the psychosis, and after a year and a half went to a normal school.

A year and a half ago, at university, I started to get unwell again. I began to stay up at night, feel excited and like I had special powers, but I also got sad and felt that there were forces that were out to get me. I sought psychiatric help. After some time with an unhelpful emergency team, I got to see a psychiatrist. After 45 minutes, he diagnosed me with Borderline. This I did not find out until months later, when I overheard a GP on the phone. The psychiatrist refused to give me therapy or medication, stating that since I had already had several years of therapy that was enough. He said he wanted to "see how things would develop." and would see me in a few months.

I went to live with my parents during the summer holidays. As they live far away, I got to see a different psychiatrist. She started me on antipsychotic medication, and I got a bit better. Due to side effetcs, the medication had to be discontinued. I then spent a year in and out of hospital, trying different medications and getting more and more dysfunctional. I had doctors both at my parent's address and at my university address, and the doctors kept quitting and I saw new people all the time. Then during the Easter holidays I had another medication change, and came out of the psychosis and went back to functioning.

So. I've read a bit about BPD, and I don't think I have it. For example, I never lose my temper with other people. If anyone annoys me, I prefer to have a talk with them about this. Even if the other person is shouting insults at me and is crying, I remain calm and focused. I also have a solid sense of self. I know who I am, what I believe in and what I want. When it comes to relationships with other people, I tend to keep my distance. It takes a lot of time for me to get at all close to someone. And once I have decided that I do like someone, it usually stays that way for several years. I also have a pretty good self esteem and I love myself and think I have several good personality traits and skills. Even when I am down, I don't feel that I am a bad person. To me, all this sounds like the opposite of BPD.

There are some things that do kind of fit the BPD symptomatology however. I used to selfharm when I was younger, and my arms are covered in scars. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me with BPD saw this. This was something that stopped once I left an abusive home environment, however. That's another thing: I experienced abuse during my childhood. I also suffer from anxiety, which is something I have read is a common aspect of BPD.

Then I experience several things that don't fit the BPD criteria at all. This past year, for example, I have seen and heard things that others don't, and I don't take drugs. I would see bugs all over the flat, spirits and shadows. Going outside, the people I passed by where talking about me and there was a voice that was commanding me what to do and commenting on what I was doing. I also became very disorganised. I couldn't focus on studying and I stopped seeing friends. I stopped cooking and I rarely showered or shaved. I would sit for hours on the sofa and just stare at the ceiling. I wasn't depressed; emotionally, I felt fine. It was only in the beginning of this that I had mood swings. I also thought that I was on a mission, and I recieved messages from another layer of reality which beckoned me to kill myself so that I could join the spirits and fullfull my mission in the other world. I was also concerned that two neighbours were plotting to abduct me. I got thoughts in my head that weren't mine, and I thought evil forces were trying to manipulate me. This all disappeared once I got on the right dose of olanzapine, an antipsychotic.

As I am still being refused therapy at my university address, as they say it could worsen the psychosis, I have no one to discuss this with. The doctors I have seen since first being diagnosed with BPD say that I probably don't have it but then they leave and thus the diagnosis has not yet been erased. Being diagnosed with Borderline, and not knowing which psychotic illness I have, really bothers me. For one, I don't agree with the BPD diagnosis and find it disturbing to be diagnosed with something that I don't think I have. Secondly, I feel it is difficult to keep taking the antipsychotic medication and believing that the things I experienced were psychosis as no specific diagnosis has been given. So I just wanted to hear what you people think, while I wait on getting a therapist I can discuss this with. Thanks for reading. Any replies appreciated!

Unfortunately a lot of professionals equate self harm purely with BPD. Which is of course a falsity. SI does not equal BPD anyone who believes so is a fool.

Even more unfortunately once diagnosed with BPD it is a very difficult diagnosis to lose.

45 minutes is nowhere near long enough to diagnose someone with anything let alone BPD. A large part of BPD is a long standing history of unstable relationships. You don't get that after 45 minutes.

You mention waiting for a therapist. Is this on your own dime? Perhaps finding another psychiatrist may be a good idea as I don't think therapists can change a diagnosis.

[JFPL]

Thanks for your reply.

Yes it seems to be a difficult diagnosis to lose. Which is funny cause, it didn't take very long to get it!

I will get another psychiatrist now, as my most recent one has quit as well. But they never speak to me that much, so I was thinking if I saw a psychologist for a longer while, who got to know me better, then perhaps that psychologist could speak to the psychiatrist about changing the diagnosis. Do you know if they do that?

I'm not sure. From what I've seen they don't tend to associate much with each other unless they're working in close proximity- same practice or something.

It really is very messed up that professionals are allowed to throw these possibly life ruining labels around.

As for getting a pdoc to talk. I know what you mean there. I've only seen one but he was horribly tight lipped.

I however didn't ask enough questions either.

Keep asking questions and don't let them bully you.

Good luck.

[JFPL]

Here everything is at the same hospital, and you need the psychiatrist to refer you to a psychologist, so I guess they might talk to each other, at least to a certain degree. Then again, you never know with this system..

Thanks

[QuasiM0d0]

Interesting story and no that doesn't sound like Borderline at all. What you are describing sounds more like Paranoid Schizophrenic with shades of manic depression(only a speculation)? You certainly need another opinion ASAP.

Hang in there!

[cryingontheinside]

Hi jfpl. It sounds like you have been through alot. Im not suprised you are confused about your diagnosis as they wrongly diagnosed you before. I was also unsure when i was diagnosed with bpd as i saw the mental health doctor for less than 5 minutes and he diagnosed me. The more ive read about it the more i do feel i have bpd. Ive strugles with anxiety, depression and phobias since i was a teen but was only diagnosed two years ago. I was abused and neglected as a child. I hope you get the help you need. Im on anti pshycotics for the paranoa but havent seen a therapist despite asking many times

[The_little_didgee]

You appear to have some kind of a psychotic disorder that is probably related to trauma.

The clinician who diagnosed you based on self-injury was irresponsible. They do this because BPD is the only disorder that lists self-injury as a criterion. In the UK psychotherapy is the main treatment for BPD which would explain the first psychiatrist's reaction.

I also got the BPD diagnosis when I was a teenager because I experimented with a self-injury method that another patient taught me while in hospital. I also had a bad reaction to Zoloft and Paxil that caused impulsiveness. Actually I have autism spectrum disorder which can appear similar to BPD, if the conditions are right, but the similarities are superficial. I also have a psychotic disorder that emerged in my mid twenties. That disorder is very different from the psychotic symptoms associated with BPD.

The diagnosis definitely follows you. Unfortunately I cannot get it removed from my records since the attending psychiatrist who diagnosed me no longer works at the hospital. My psychiatrist told me to write a letter explaining how I got misdiagnosed. I have been reading about BPD and watching lectures so I can contest every criterion in my letter and provide specific examples of my behavior. Perhaps you can do the same.

I have to ask about the year you spent in and out of hospital. How did you present? Were you suicidal? If you were feeling suicidal did those feeling follow an interpersonal conflict? Were they reactive? If so this suggests BPD rather than a mood and psychotic disorder.

Don't give up. It may take awhile to get answers.

[JFPL]

Thank you for your replies, guys.

Thanks for sharing your story, The_little_didgee. I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you as well. It sure is very annoying, and painful. Did your psychiatrist tell you that the diagnosis could be removed if you wrote that letter? So far, out of the psychiatrists I've seen at my university address, the one I saw after the BPD diagnosis couldn't remove the diagnosis as he didn't put it there in the first place, and then the third one said he would contact the one who gave me the diagnosis so that it would be removed but he never did, and the fourth one wanted to get to know me better first, and then she quit, and now I am waiting to see a new one. I really want it removed.. there must be a way to do that. Do you have any other advice?

I wasn't suicidal when I was in hospital, I was hospitalised cause of psychosis. I took an overdose once, but I was confused and overwhelmed by voices, and only intended to sleep for a long while rather than die. I didn't really have any interpersonal conflicts, as I had withdrawn from most of my friends. It was a very confusing and dysfunctional time.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by JFPL

Did your psychiatrist tell you that the diagnosis could be removed if you wrote that letter?

She told me the diagnosis would not be removed. My letter would just explain what happened and correct some information such as the sexual abuse I apparently went through. This did not happen to me so I want that to be known.

Working on this letter has been therapeutic. All the research I have done so far is permitting me to heal. It is also confirming that I have been correct all along. It is liberating.

I'm right about my misdiagnosis. My family, friends and treatment providers back me up on this. My psychiatrist clearly stated I did not have BPD.

Originally Posted by JFPL

So far, out of the psychiatrists I've seen at my university address, the one I saw after the BPD diagnosis couldn't remove the diagnosis as he didn't put it there in the first place, and then the third one said he would contact the one who gave me the diagnosis so that it would be removed but he never did, and the fourth one wanted to get to know me better first, and then she quit, and now I am waiting to see a new one. I really want it removed.. there must be a way to do that. Do you have any other advice?

You really need a consistent doctor. Making an accurate diagnosis takes a long time.

I requested privacy restrictions on my medical records which the hospital granted. This means my psychiatric records cannot be read without my written permission. This is as close as I can get to sealing them. You should look into this.

Originally Posted by JFPL

I wasn't suicidal when I was in hospital, I was hospitalised cause of psychosis. I took an overdose once, but I was confused and overwhelmed by voices, and only intended to sleep for a long while rather than die. I didn't really have any interpersonal conflicts, as I had withdrawn from most of my friends. It was a very confusing and dysfunctional time.

Something else is definitely going on that warrants a thorough assessment.

[Nightside of Eden]

Hi, JFPL. What you describe doesn't sound at all like BPD. My first thought was Schizoaffective Disorder, as you describe the mood changes and psychotic symptoms in a way that sounds very similar to what I've heard from others with that diagnosis. Not that anyone can diagnosis you over the internet, of course, but I seriously question so many positive psychotic symptoms being classed as a personality disorder.

I was also misdiagnosed with BPD once. I think it was a combination of my highly unstable mood and the fact I hate doctors, so was very defensive. Like you, I have a stable identity, fairly stable relationships, etc. Here in the US we don't really get diagnoses removed from our records. When a diagnosis is changed, the new diagnosis is just added with an explanation of why the doctor thinks the old diagnosis was incorrect. I haven't bothered to do that because it would require me to be re-assessed and I have the correct diagnoses as well as the incorrect one, so I just told my current doctor that the BPD diagnosis is incorrect and he treats me only for Bipolar and ADD. Getting the correct diagnosis is probably a lot more important for your treatment than having the old one removed.

[widgets]

The only thing I will say is when I was diagnosed with borderline I knew it fit, everything I read seemed to describe me better than I had ever been able to describe myself and I had never felt so sure of my identity before. My identity was bpd.

I feel most people feel this when they receive a dx of bpd. If you don't feel it fits is probably doesn't.
I have nothing to Base this on, it's just how I feel.

Your story is an interesting one, although for yourself I am sure you would rather it be less so.

You know all your psychosis and delusions aren't real? So I assume that rules out Schizophrenia, at lot of it seemed to say bipolar 1, but again I am not a doctor and I don't know a lot outside my own experience. However I do know that you are not being treated well by the professionals you have been in contact with and I hope you get the help you deserve. I'm

[cryingontheinside]

To be honest it doesnt sound like bpd. I really wish the best for you. Have they considered bipolar? I really hope you get the help you need

[sideblinded]

I agree with some of the others that BPD may be a long shot for you. I have to say that I am not a doctor or therapist either, so take this at face value for whatever it is worth.

I have a male friend who has schizophrenia and he speaks about voices that he can hear telling him things. When I hear you say that a voice is telling you something it makes me think of schizophrenia and my friend also gets paranoid and thinks people are out to get him. You also mentioned that you don't wrestle with mood changes all too much and neither does my friend. Your hospitalizations have been for psychosis so it mimics something like schizophrenia.

I cannot for sure know what you are dealing with but getting the right doctor and staying with him or her for a long enough period will be helpful in getting the correct diagnosis.

I wish you all the best.

MDD
GAD
ADHD

[widgets]

Self harm is not exclusive to BPD. People with any disorder or more disorder can self harm!

Hearing voices is psychosis. You have explained a lot of things that are psychosis.

Psychosis is not a symptom of BPD, it can occur is the stress induced paranoia.

But to me it sounds like you have a psychotic disorder, and you can't get better until you are being treated for that.

[ifst5]

I'm sorry but BPD isn't usually diagnosed within 45 minutes. It took a lot of us here months if not years to be diagnosed by a specialist. It does sound like you've been passed around by a lot of hacks and while this is unfortunate you clearly have issues which need resolving and so you can only keep trying. I would definitely recommend getting a second opinion and explaining that you've been thoroughly messed around and now need a complete and accurate diagnosis before your studies fail and your functioning becomes markedly affected. A lot of us here are well versed in inadequate treatment so we'll be here to support you all the way. I hope things start to improve soon. Best of luck.

[QuasiM0d0]

Delusions can occur with Bipolar and BPD. Please see attached link for "Comorbidity".
Comorbidity - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Kind regards....

[dazed17]

Hi there,

Well! I am feeling very grateful to you for this post. Also, it's a current thread so people will even read this reply.

I saw the psychiatrist 2 weeks ago and it was MOST unpleasant. He ended by saying that I had an emotional adjustment disorder of a borderline type...which took me 2 days to recover from hearing. I've spent the intervening fortnight in a daze with a "No no...really...not me...this can't be..." going round my head. And then today came the letter confirming "Personality traits of an emotionally unstable personality, borderline type...long term emphasis on psychological treatment with medications likely to have only a limited role". Hearing it when you're in a daze is one thing - reading formal notification of it when you are calm is quite another.

This is JFPL's post so I won't give my lurid history here...I'll start my own questioning post...but I just wanted to say how completely I identify with JFPL's doubt about his BPD diagnosis. I could be BPD - but I sure as hell don't feel like it. My inner Core, my Self (capitals intended) just screams "WTF" at this. I may be several psychiatric diagnoses - cyclical depression, a little too anxious, dreading November, and I've done some self-harming in my time - but THIS?? Nope.

So, way to go JFPL! I hear you. I've thought and thought about this. Like you, it just doesn't fly with me. I don't have abandonment issues, my friendships are sustained and sustainable, my romantic life is not what I want it to be but for goodness' sake, I date and I have relationships (consecutively, I hasten to add), I've had a few very happy long relationships that ended reluctantly but calmly, and occasionally I fall head over heels in love. I have a similar temperament to JFPL. I hate to be big-headed about this but my work colleagues generally think I'm lovely to be around and I'm pretty damn good at my job too. BPD. Just. Isn't. Me.

I'll stop there - I'm hijacking the thread - but thank you JFPL for writing what you did. I know how you feel. And I like me the way I am.

Originally Posted by dazed17

...my work colleagues generally think I'm lovely to be around and I'm pretty damn good at my job too...

And people with BPD can't be either of those things?

I get that you may not feel you fit the diagnosis but please a little more care in your words.

[dazed17]

I'm very sorry that my expression was clumsy and tactless. I had no intention of causing anyone hurt. Perhaps I should have written it better.

I read a previous post where somebody wrote of her relief when she was diagnosed because she felt the general profile fit her so well. I combined this with JPFL's self-report of his baseline character traits which are so much like mine. My problem is simply that I lack the classic BPD traits of unstable relationships and an excessive fear of abandonment. As for the job-drifting - that ain't happening either.

But I hear you. And I'm sorry for any offence caused.

[moodycow]

"I don't feel that I am a bad person. To me, all this sounds like the opposite of BPD"
.
." shame on you jpfl ! there is enough misunderstanding and stigma surrounding bpd , i do not want to come across it here !! also i would like to say that as with all illness symptoms vary slightly and you do not need to have every one for a diagnosis. and for the record bpd anger is NOT always directed at other people more commonly the anger is turned inwards or in my case also occasionly directed at objects ,i am sure you did not mean to cause offence but i am offended and that is quite a rare thing !

Originally Posted by moodycow

"I don't feel that I am a bad person. To me, all this sounds like the opposite of BPD"
.
." shame on you jpfl ! there is enough misunderstanding and stigma surrounding bpd , i do not want to come across it here !! also i would like to say that as with all illness symptoms vary slightly and you do not need to have every one for a diagnosis. and for the record bpd anger is NOT always directed at other people more commonly the anger is turned inwards or in my case also occasionly directed at objects ,i am sure you did not mean to cause offence but i am offended and that is quite a rare thing !

I think he was referencing the idea that most people with BPD don't like themselves and that he has never hated himself rather than saying people with BPD are bad?

Originally Posted by dazed17

I'm very sorry that my expression was clumsy and tactless. I had no intention of causing anyone hurt. Perhaps I should have written it better.

I read a previous post where somebody wrote of her relief when she was diagnosed because she felt the general profile fit her so well. I combined this with JPFL's self-report of his baseline character traits which are so much like mine. My problem is simply that I lack the classic BPD traits of unstable relationships and an excessive fear of abandonment. As for the job-drifting - that ain't happening either.

But I hear you. And I'm sorry for any offence caused.

It's okay, a little more care is all. We deal with a lot of stigma so I know that I can be a touch over reactive to such things.

I personally have had the same job for the last 3-4 years. I've changed work sites because my boss wanted me to go with her when she left but same company same job.

I've also only had two relationships in my life the shortest of which was 2 years. I will admit they were stormy but if one were to look at my partners they would note that they were just as, if not more disordered than me.

Abandonment, I expect it rather than fearing it. I've come to realize that many of my actions may be to prevent abandonment but I have not been consciously aware of fearing it until recently.

However I know I have BPD. There is no other explanation for all this pain and emotional disturbance.

I understand that pdocs get it wrong sometimes and if someone truly feels they do not have BPD, generally I'm inclined to believe them. It does worry me though when I see posts that seem to be less about a wrong diagnosis and more about the stigma.

It may not be pleasant but if you truly have BPD denying you have it will not help you get better.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

It does worry me though when I see posts that seem to be less about a wrong diagnosis and more about the stigma.

I think clinicians are partially responsible for the stigma. They seem to make it worse when they refuse services and write a patient off because they have this diagnosis. As soon as they see the label in a patient's chart, a bias free assessment is almost impossible to get. This can be devastating for someone who does not have BPD or another mental disorder that badly needs treatment.

How is someone supposed to be compliant if clinicians refuse to listen and show respect?

The BPD stigma also exists in the world of psychiatric patients. They are seen as cutters and attention seekers. This is really sad. I know this isn't true for all people with BPD.

[dazed17]

Thank you for your grace @ betenoir :-)

"It may not be pleasant but if you truly have BPD denying you have it will not help you get better"

Very true. I hope that I can keep an open mind. I'm a big fan of therapy - I'm very keen to get started and I'd like to say that I am committed to working at it and being honest. That is infinitely easier said than done. I will do my absolute best. There is a time for all things...I refer you to the stages of grief cycle!! Right now I'm trying to come out of a major depression and have the occasional shower

But yeah - it's possible that I have it. I exhibit a trait or two at times. Other times, not a shred. And I can honestly say no more than that at the moment

[moodycow]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

I think clinicians are partially responsible for the stigma. They seem to make it worse when they refuse services and write a patient off because they have this diagnosis. As soon as they see the label in a patient's chart, a bias free assessment is almost impossible to get. This can be devastating for someone who does not have BPD or another mental disorder that badly needs treatment.

How is someone supposed to be compliant if clinicians refuse to listen and show respect?

The BPD stigma also exists in the world of psychiatric patients. They are seen as cutters and attention seekers. This is really sad. I know this isn't true for all people with BPD.