New boyfriend with MDD

Okay, I realize this title probably makes it sound like I’m in the wrong forum… but the reason I’m posting it here is because I have BPD and, as such, having a bf with MDD might get a little complicated…

I should point out that this is a brand new relationship that literally only started a few days ago. He and I met online a couple of months ago and have been chatting almost every day ever since. He doesn’t mind that I have BPD and I don’t mind that he has MDD. In a way it helps us understand and relate to each other better than we could with other people or vise versa. However, I’m worried that with time the BPD might make it too difficult to be properly supportive of him and understanding when his depression starts to flare up.

The other day he came to visit me at my place for the first time ever and it was great. We were able to have a good time together despite all the anxiety and so on. Yesterday though, after he got home, he was struck by a bad bout of depression in the evening. He told me that he was feeling very bad and needed to go to bed. This wasn’t the first time this has happened… however it was the first time I found myself unable to sleep all night because of the anxiety that he might do something to himself… plus the underlying “maybe I said something wrong?? Maybe he’ll do something to himself now and it’ll be all my fault!”. I realize that it probably doesn’t bode well for the relationship if I keep doing that… however, I know that I can handle these kinds of situations well with my friends… and it’s just a matter of learning how to do it with a boyfriend. The only difference is the intensity of the emotions in a romantic setting vs. a friendship and the tricks they can play with my head… so I’m thinking there SHOULD be a way around this.

A few minutes ago he appeared on FB. I’d written him a short message saying good morning before and he must have seen it but he didn’t reply. I also saw him in a chat room and said hi but he ignored me and left the chat. Normally, seeing as I have BPD and all, I suppose that kind of thing ought to wreak havoc on my mind… however, seeing as the relationship is still new, I’m still able to think in terms of: “Well, I know I haven’t done anything wrong so if he’s avoiding me right now it might just be because he’s too depressed to talk, or afraid of depressing me with his depression, or something along those lines”. In fact, it’s still so early in the relationship that I’m still even able to say to myself: “worst case scenario, even if he is avoiding me because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore, I know it’s not my fault, I haven’t done anything wrong, and losing him as a bf wouldn’t be the end of the world, he and I could still be friends if he wants to, etc’”. I also know better, as of right now, than to write several messages to him because, I figure, whatever the reason might be that he’s not talking to me – either he needs space OR he needs space.

So… all the rational, healthy thoughts are there… the only problem is; the anxiety is also there… and I know it’s just a matter of time before the rational thoughts start getting replaced by irrational ones…

Does anyone have any advice on how to continue keeping my thoughts calm and rational so that I can continue (even when the relationship intensifies) giving space and support to my bf when he has bouts of severe depression?

Oh and P.S. he just FB messaged me now XD

Tough one to answer, even though I'm in the very same boat, except my relationship is not new... Tough because it really can be a tricky situation and I don't want to omit any pertinent information...


Sorry, I'm having trouble gathering my thoughts, but I knowww I must have something helpful to say. :0


Firstly, I keep a journal, a very specific journal. It's for messages I want to send to my silent bf, messages that are full of venom and are at most times irrational.


I write in there instead of contact him, and if whatever was written still needs to be said a week later, I know its worth addressing and I have ample time to edit.


Secondly... I have 3 people who are aware of my BPD vs MDD issues, I bounce my thoughts and feelings off of them and they help ground me. A Godsend I tell you because not 3 weeks ago I wanted to break up with him. Still not even sure what triggered it or why, (something about he deserves better) but lucky for me they told me to wait 2 weeks because i was in the midst of a bipolar episode and it was triggering my BPD.


Anyway, hopefully I'm half coherent by now...

Also, I make a reality check list, so I can see on black and white if I am somehow the problem, if I have reason to feel or think what I currently am, and use it when my thoughts are swallowing me whole.


Another trick I have is an evidence box. It comprises of notes, emails, memorabilia etc, which is physical evidence that I mean something tangible to him. Most important is sometimes his written reassurance that I am not the problem, that he will tell me directly if he's unhappy with me, that I am not to assume the negative and jump to negative conclusions....


But these are all solo endeavors, skills I implemented during a time when I didn't want to involve him in my borderline bullshyt. A time when I was too scared I would end up drowning him in my mental anguish again.

(I once did and we broke up for a year...)


What I've found most helpful is open communication and mutual respect for each others needs.


I've communicated to him what the bare minimum is that I require to remain sane while he's playing the recluse.


He in turn has reciprocated, which makes it easier for me to give him the space he needs.


So our agreement goes something like "I'm going through a really shytti time and need to be alone for a while"....... Then I say something supportive in response and for the next week or 2 only send him thoughtful ecards, or thinking of you texts that don't require any reply.


Sometimes he's more forthcoming about what is happening, sometimes he's vague, but! He has become much better at staying in contact, even if its just a thank u or a kissyface, the point of his replies isn't to invite a convo, but to reassure me I'm not the problem and I'm not specifically being ignored...


This method works for us because me pushing for communication or being triggered due to no communication only made him withdraw for longer in the past. Which caused issues that were avoidable..


Buuut, neither of us knew about my BPD when we started dating (only the BP) and when I did find out, I kept quiet about it for over a year...


I hope I've managed to be somewhat helpful

Thank you very, very much! this sounds like a lot of good advice and I’ll try to keep all this in mind (and also bookmark it because I don’t think I can rely on my crappy memory and I think a lot of this will probably come in handy eventually).

I especially like the idea of the journal, it sounds like a good way of maintaining an idea of what’s realistic and what’s not.

It sounds like you and your bf have good communication and I take my hat off for you for that. I also think it’s great that you have other friends whom you can talk to and get feedback from about your relationship. it’s something I’m probably going to have to work on. When my mother was still alive she used to have a tendency to try and sabotage every relationship I had and so I got into the habit of not disclosing any information about any relationship I get into… but I suppose that’s probably irrational when it comes to friends...

Anyway, thanks again, you have been very helpful

You're most welcome, I'm always happy to help.


Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk one on one at any point.


All the best to you and your bf