Cannot distinguish actual reality from the reality in my mind.

Hey everyone,

it's been a while since I posted, mostly because I've been doing really well. (or so I think/thought?) The last couple of months I worked really hard on myself. For the past two months I've been able to:
- quit harming myself
- quit smoking
- feel very stable
- don't have any attacks
etc. I felt extremely confident and even happy.
Now two weeks ago I saw the guy I'm in love with(?) again, we ended up together in bed as usual and from what I can remember he told me he actually does have feelings for me but is still to worked up about his ex of 2,5 years ago and is too afraid to start a relationship. This thing has been going on for 10 months.

Now, I felt sick of it, and decided to go talk to him about this and straighten things out: make him finally accept the feelings there are between us or go to hell.
So I went up there, feeling strong, feeling confident: really, I've got this!
I truly felt that for the very first time I was strong enough and that I wouldn't let him get away with his ********, and had a talk ready in my head I worked on for over a week.

I couldn't even get to my second sentence.. He reacted as if we had had this talk for many times already: straightening out that he has ZERO feelings for me, that I know this, that we shouldn't see each other anymore cause I can't handle it and that I should learn to be a bit stronger. And that I know just aswel that what we have most definetely doesn't feel like love and that it's completely obvious for us AND everyone else. It would be a ridiculous idea to even ever consider us being together. Now I got through the talk without losing my face, just simply agreeing with him and pretending that was what I was there to say.

But now I'm sitting here, completely freaked out.
I believed, so strongly, that he has feelings for me to. For me, that was the most obvious thing in the world, and that it was so clear for everyone that we would be perfect together but that the only problem was his fear of commitment. I believed he kept coming back to me, but now he says it's me who keeps coming back.. And now I don't even know what to believe anymore.... I don't even know if I love him anymore. I don't even know what love is?

Cause if he's right, than I haven't gotten better at all. I've just been living in a fake reality I could carry in my head. It means I still don't love, but just obsess..
It makes me wonder what else is fake in my life. I don't even know anymore if I'm actually better or just got really good at filtering reality until it fits me.
I don't even know who I am anymore.

Please don't let him set you back, you have come so far and you will get through this...
He's the loser.
Best wishes

I think the problem lies with him solely and not with you at all.

He's lead you on, in some cases quite obviously, into believing something that can be and I'm not surprised you thought what you thought because that's the message he was sending out to you.

As for him using his ex girlfriend as an escape goat - well that's just nonsense on his behalf. If he knew that was a factor then why did he get into an on / off relationship with you?

By him implying or stating that he has zero feelings for you - shows that he wasn't the right person for you and not visa versa. Why did he start such an intimate relationship with you then.

Don't let this guy who's played you for a fool define yourself or your definition of love. The only fake reality is the one that he himself created by not backing off months ago.

I still believe from what you've written that you are making progress in many areas of your life.

We don't handle "rejection" very well and I'm not surprised the jerk has left you with self doubt, but you are better than that!

Hi

He mislead you into thinking he had feelings for you, he slept with you, actually told you he has feelings for you and used his ex as an excuse, so how else could you have taken him? You wasn't wrong for the reason you believe you're wrong, you are wrong because he lied and manipulated you.

Please don't blame yourself, this was no way your fault. And please don't let this question your progress. The fact that he has hurt you doesn't erase the fact you felt real progress. That still stands.

Right now, you are caving in on yourself and you need to trust the facts if you can't trust your feelings right now. Fact 1 - he slept with you. Fact 2 - he expressed he had feelings for you. Fact 3 - he told you he isn't with you cause of his previous relationship which was still hurting him. HE made you believe there was something there. You are not crazy.

OK so lets say, those facts were not real, lets say you had imagined all this...it still doesn't mean you have other areas in your life that are not real, try not question your whole reality because of 1 idiot or 1 event.

Also, be aware of the fact that rejection is EXTREMELY hurtful and triggering for us. It plays with our darkest fears...please try not question your whole reality based on this, what you really need (IMO) is to be gentle with yourself and see it for what it really is.

Please take care