[NoChildSupport]

I've read several places that people with bpd often exhibit childish behaviors. I often feel like a small child. I'll be 17 in a few months and the thought of turning 17 feels unreal. I feel like I should be turning 10 or something. I have been told that the things I crave (lots of affection, feeling protected etc.) are for toddlers or infants and someone my age should not even want those things. People refuse to treat me like a child because they say it will not help me mature and I will never be able to make it into the real world. Depriving me of this affection and being treated like a toddler has yet to help me. In fact I'm getting worse. I feel like I'm not loved. It's a stupid thought but I wonder, should some of people with bpd be temporarily be nutured in the way that they crave? If that's where some of us are still stuck at in our minds then why not feed that while at the same time, we learn to grow and function properly in the real world? Skipping and leaving behind a developmental stage seems like it would make recovery a longer and harder process. The people who we are closest to us can nurture us while our therapist helps us grow. I know it's so stupid but has anyone thought of this before? It's a fantasy I've always had, getting what I want while still getting the help I need.

[pushingforward]

NoChildSupport,

I am 26 years old with children of my own and I often feel like a teenager. My husband always points out (in a joking way) how childish I can be. I understand what its like to crave that type of affection. First, let me assure you that you are loved. Those closest to you have expressed a desire to help you by not giving in to your "childish" desires, even if they aren't sure what to do, I'm sure I can say they do this because they love you. Second, there is nothing wrong with craving love, stability, and assurance in your relationships with friends and family. I have shared some articles with my husband that are intended to guide family members of people with BPD; and it is helping my husband learn the appropriate ways to respond to me in order to help me deal with my BPD. I think your friends and family would love to learn how they can help you. Lastly, I agree that nurture should come from those closest to us. Your loved-ones may think you are asking for over-indulgence, but just explain to them that you don't feel loved and you are looking for assurance. Sharing your feelings is so important to getting the nurture you need from others and from yourself. And remember, all of us here love you and are here for you!

[Crazy Hitch]

Sounds to me as if along the course of your life, especially if your needs were not being met, you will still yearn for those emotional needs now. That's why there's a push to have the name changed to emotionally unstable personality. Maybe you feel like your emotional needs are not being met, and I can tell you that there are many adults who feel this way. I have the constant need for affirmation from others as my sense of self esteem virtually doesn't exist. You're looking for nurturing from the outside but do you nurture yourself and do activities as such within yourself that nurture you.

You need to think for arguments for and arguments against, starting from your childhood that confirm and expel this deep seated need for loving acceptance. Where did this need arrive and when did it begin to manifest itself.

Be well.

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Sounds to me as if along the course of your life, especially if your needs were not being met, you will still yearn for those emotional needs now. That's why there's a push to have the name changed to emotionally unstable personality. Maybe you feel like your emotional needs are not being met, and I can tell you that there are many adults who feel this way. I have the constant need for affirmation from others as my sense of self esteem virtually doesn't exist. You're looking for nurturing from the outside but do you nurture yourself and do activities as such within yourself that nurture you.

You need to think for arguments for and arguments against, starting from your childhood that confirm and expel this deep seated need for loving acceptance. Where did this need arrive and when did it begin to manifest itself.

Be well.

I love your note. I need to print that one

[ifst5]

BPD is often described as like being a child in an adult world - our emotions can be very extreme, the simplest of things can set us off and you're right, we do crave affection to help us deal with what's a very frightening and lonely existence.

The problem is that this then generates either punitive or mothering treatment - both of which are highly ill advised for a BPD sufferer. We need balance, someone who cares for our emotions but can sensitively deal with more negative behaviour in an effective way.

I'm also big on self care - if you're having a bad day, don't neglect yourself. Do what makes you feel safe and happy because looking out for number one should still apply to us. Sometimes there are no other people who can help so we have to try and support ourselves.

Sometimes id rather feel like I do than a lot of what i see around me. I'm not callous, i don't want to hurt others and I do care for their feelings.

How many adults OR children are like that?

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey Childsupport,

**I apologize for the triggers I am going to write about**

I must say that your post has intrigued me and surely has to others as well. The replies have added even more to it and I love it! This is a cool thread.

You said this: "It's a stupid thought but I wonder, should some of people with BPD be temporarily be nurtured in the way that they crave?"

In short - this is not a stupid thought. If you needed or wanted clarification and reassurance for that question - there it is.

You are very bright and clearly have a lot of insight into these issues - and I assure you - for someone who's just turning 17 - you are headed in the right direction. Coming to ask questions like this with an underlying BPD diagnosis is important - because we can explore these avenues rather than just - allow ourselves to submit to these yearnings without questioning the how, what, when, where and why's...

There is far more at stake (when looking at our unmet needs) - than just whether or not they are met.

In my opinion - your question is very central to all Borderlines. One which I believe all Borderline's ask themselves during their quest. I suppose it is safe to say that not everyone will benefit from having these unmet needs; met.

Not everyone is the same.

I myself admit - that getting those needs met in therapy - made me feel, "ALIVE." While it is important to feel safe and nurtured in any therapeutic setting - it can be very tricky to find balance in maintaining it as a, "therapeutic alliance," and not confuse it with something else - that it is not.

For instance: as much as it seemed like my therapist was my mother - (in providing the nurture and safety that I so desperately needed) - I still could see the purpose and function to it all... To explain: my therapist (for a time) took on the role of my mother - so that I could receive some nurturing that I lacked from my real mother - and in so doing - I was able to deal with these deep-rooted feelings inside a safe environment, and thus, fill in a gap that had existed... I absolutely needed that at one point. But it is important to note that she was not my mother and that [at the time] I did, in fact: NEED that support.

In hindsight, it is only natural that after receiving it for some time - I would only WANT it more. However, sometimes what we WANT is not always what we need - and is thus, not the best thing for us. That is an extraordinarily hard aspect to Borderline. We must know ourselves so well - that we can stop our innate yearnings for things we feel we need - but that we really just want - and be able to step in and set boundaries with ourselves in order to prevent ourselves from further harm... Basically - we have to be our own therapist, non-judgmentally, unconditionally... It's a hard thing to do - and I suck at it.

This is where things could become healthy versus unhealthy...

It is very easy to confuse a need with a want - especially when we feel so strongly about things. And even more-so when it has to do with these themes. Learning to let go of this therapist was a great challenge for me - because in some ways - she was my mother. I wished she was my mother. I still do sometimes. But she wasn't my mother - nor could she ever be. As much as she helped me to feel what it was like to be loved - it was wholly artificial - and thus, I had to learn to let go... Continuing to hang-on to my therapist - beyond the end of our therapeutic alliance - was much to painful... That was an extremely painful experience for me. Why should I let go of the very thing I need most when it is right there in front of my face?

Well - I suppose because nothing lasts forever... **(Sorry for the trigger)** In letting go - I planned ahead and prepared for an inevitable storm in seeing her go forever...

So back to your question, "It's a stupid thought but I wonder, should some of people with BPD be temporarily be nurtured in the way that they crave?"

I still battle your question - years after this occurred - but I can say, that [for me] - having the opportunity to feel this way for even a second - despite all the challenges that arose from having to let it all go - was worth it. It made me stronger, more aware - more capable of understanding myself and my deep-rooted issues. I still miss her to this day - but I can remind myself of what she offered me - and bring it into my present-day life. I can remember the time she told me to curl up in a soft blanket - with a warm drink. I can remember when she said it is okay to cry - but at some point - I just need to try my best to distract myself... That to me is an opportunity to feel the love that she gave. In doing so - I can provide for myself a form (although far less effective and far less intense) of self nurture - without requiring that she be there - in the room - listening intently and holding my hand. This is an important aspect to Borderline treatments - learning to self-nurture.

Obviously everyone will experience these things differently - but it is vitally important to learn to set boundaries for ourselves in all relationships - otherwise it could quite literally - become so intense - that we can confuse therapists with being our mother and can never fully let go. As much as I wanted to hold my therapist's hand and hug her for an entire lifetime - I knew that her setting boundaries and saying no - was far more effective and helpful - even though, at the time: it was hell.

The phrase, "what doesn't kill us - makes us stronger," comes to mind...

Therefore, to answer your question - it is important to get close to that feeling of wholeness that comes from being nurtured and loved - but it is also important to set boundaries - and remain aware of the necessity of those boundaries - so that we do not lose ourselves in it all and get too close. It might seem weird at first - but setting boundaries can be used to protect both ourselves and others - and although we would be setting boundaries against what we feel we need - it might actually be against something we want - and that is something I find is important to my well-being.

Looking back - I could have easily become lost in it all - and it could have easily taken over my life and prevented me from moving forward due to intense dependency. I still struggle with knowing she is not here. I struggle with my real Mom - and have a hard time finding the kind of love and support I was given from my therapist... But I know that the, "function," of it all - despite all the pain surrounding it, has made my life far more tolerable.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Phreak]

Sometimes I allow myself to feel like a small child, and I have somebody who'll nurture me, and support me doing that.

I get to age regress, it's so stress relieving, and also, it's helped me to work through things. Yet at the same time as I have trauma surrounding that age, I can get triggered a little bit too. Especially when the things I crave in that situation (of being a small child), is to have rules I have to follow, and consequences if I don't.

Basically just to be safe, and loved, and to have somebody to care about me and nurture me like I never had growing up.

Phreak