[cryingontheinside]

I feel really low. I feel afraid too but for no reason. I feel lonely yet i dont want company. I feel empty.
All i can think about is every single person who has ever hurt me and i keep reliving those feelings of when they hurt me as if it all happened at the same time and as if it only just occured. I remember every single person who wronged me and allthough i would never act upon in, i fantasise that i hurt them all back. I know this isnt the right wsy to think. Maybe its black and white thinking.
Right now and alot of the time its all i can think about. My thoughts seem to paralyse me and physically prevent me from carrying out simple everyday tasks.
All good memories are blocked and i can only focus on the bad things.
I am lonely but i dont want to be around people because i feel a strong sense of fear and paranoa of who is going to harm me next.
Not being able to do the simple things that are building up around me is affecting my self esteem. Why cant i just do it? My legs and arms work so i dont know why i cant do it.
I feel so worthless and i feel guilty writing this in hope for a reply when i dont even know if any thing can make me feel better.
I dont have questions i guess i am just venting and hoping someone will reply and say hello so i dont feel such a worthless looser.
Inbetween the bad memories is the constant worrying of things that havent even happenef yet, all these terrible things im expecting yo be waiting for me.
I cant sleep either. What i have written might not make sense, its just flowing and i have to get these feelings heard at least by one person. I am silent, but deep within me i am screaming and crying.
I am so sorry that i have waffled on and probrably not made any sense.

[Alone & confused]

Hello. I'm here. You make sense to me because I'm the same way right now. Maybe a distraction will help change your thought process and break you out of this. Then maybe you can ease your way back into your routine. I'm scrambling to find new challenges, distractions or just anything to change all the negative thoughts racing through my head. I hope this helps.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi cryingontheinside

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.

It does make sense and it certainly isn't waffle. We're here to listen and to support you, that's what this forum is about.

I'm sorry that you're not in a good place right now. I really think someone should have changed the bpd label to emotionally unstable ages ago!

Some of the symptoms you describe are unfortunately symptoms of bpd that we can't dodge. Mistrust, low feelings, anxiety, feeling empty ....

It's really important for us to work through these very real feelings with a trained T. Because it's not as if these feelings aren't going to happen. But we need to learn coping strategies that are healthy for when they do happen.

Right now you're like a prisoner trapped in your own thoughts. You keep replaying a type of bad movie in your head over and over again. How is this working for you? Doesn't sound as if it is.

Don't deny yourself what has been wronged of you in the past.

I'd recommend you write a letter to all these people. Tell them what they've done to you. Tell them how they've made you feel and hurt you. Let it all out. But don't don't post it or give it to them. [Ive heard of this strategy but not tried it myself: if you're referring to events that happened in your childhood, use the opposite hand to write the letter. So if you're right handed use your left hand and let your "inner child" have a voice.]

You also need to look at alternatives that ground you in the present moment. Somewhere in between letting go of the past and not focusing your energy right now too much on tomorrow.

Hoping some of what I have said may be of use to you.

Be well x

[ifst5]

Would you say you're suffering from trauma?

I'm still waiting for someone, somewhere out there to better acknowledge the link between bpd and trauma.

Trauma itself is such a complex, misunderstood thing. It doesn't have to be something big and dramatic.

Psychotherapy would probably be a big help to you, i'm just sorry it's so difficult for everyone to access on these blasted isles.

Why don't they realize by ignoring us that they're only making the problem thrice as difficult not to mention expensive? Money money money it's all they think about.

Sorry.

Can you maybe take something to aid with sleep? It's vital you don't miss out on that at the moment. If you're currently in a 'lie down and die' phase of a depressive cycle (like i am right now ugh), just try and make at least one room in your house safe and secure for yourself. Mine is the bedroom. So i fill it with everything i need to help ride it out - blankets, phone, favourite books. Think of it as like creating a little cave so you can hibernate for a bit.

To be honest its the only way that's helped me through episodes in the past.

I hope these feelings ease soon.

[comethisfar]

Cryingontheinside, I do not have BPD but I live with someone who does. I just feel I need to say this because I might be clumsy with triggers and the last thing I would want is to upset you more.
I am in absolute awe at your honest and straight description of how you feel! It has taken my partner years to even get to some semblance of expressing himself and most of how he feels is still guesswork on my part. But based on that guesswork and spending countless hours with him through the darkest days, I know he often feels exactly like you. He calls it getting "stuck" on bad memories and negative thoughts and finds it impossible to get out.
It has gotten better for him with time and therapy. My partner calls this "learning to locate the feelings and memories in the right time (= past) and context (= with perspective). I am sharing this to give you some hope that with your insight and desire to change, it can and will get better. And when it does you will worry less about the future. Of course you agonize about the future now because you are worried it will be just like that past. That is totally understandable!
I also do not want to hide the ugly part of this process from you and this I can say from my own experience: no one can do this for you! I know people here on psych central are rooting for you and I hope you have more people in your life who do want you to get better and suffer less, but the hard work is yours. You are here, you are standing up for yourself, you are honest and insightful and that makes me believe you are halfway there. You are making perfect sense. This is how you feel and you can accurately describe it! Maybe you can try and take just one little step more and think about what you could do to break the cycle? Any kind of distraction that you really usually enjoy when you don't feel like this? Give it a try? There is a strategy called "fake it until you make it". It means to say that you should do something you enjoy even if it is really not what you feel like at the moment. With a bit of luck you end up distracting yourself from your negative emotions until you actually end up enjoying it...
Hope I didn't waffle and hope I didn't trigger you even more. I just wanted to try and show you how strong you really already are....and wishing you the additional strength you need to break the cycle and feel better.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey Cryingontheinside,

I want to thank you for posting here.

You are not alone.
You are not alone.
You are not alone.
And you rock!

Thoughts come at us and we get swept away. Unfortunately - like you have said - they often come in full force and without mercy. No matter how badly you can come to think of yourself and your life - just remember - it is a wave. It comes and goes. It has happened many times before - and you have made it time and time again.

In attacking this - the best course of action is to get up and do something. For me - I cannot be in my house when I am bombarded by thoughts. I literally have to leave the house and go out and be around people. Just in public and around crowds can be very stimulating and distracting. Coffee shops are great - the music, the chatter, the ambiance and the thrill of getting something unhealthy and warm can be very soothing.

Next time you are bombarded - try something like this. If it is at night - get up and go out for a walk where it is safe to do so. Put on headphones and listen to music.


Thanks,
HD

[cryingontheinside]

Thankyou so much to all of you and your really kind thoughtful words.