[HD7970GHZ]

Hey everyone,

I'm considering going into the hospital again. Whenever I feel like I should go in I am usually more attuned to my needs...

I am thinking of suicide everyday. I have ruminations and thoughts about it - I get lost in the fantasy of it sometimes: coming up with plans and catching myself doing so after awhile.

I've been sleeping in until 2 PM almost everyday, can't get up - I only eat 1 meal or so a day. I can't wait till my next therapy session - I am avoiding people, and disabling my facebook account. The other day I was at my friends house and we got drunk and I cried for a long time - embarrassed myself... He doesn't reply much now via text - it's bringing on abandonment feelings. I called my therapist yesterday and asked if she could facilitate my going into the hospital. She said no. It made me feel all alone. She can't really talk about anything on the phone and it's driving me nuts. This being part of DBT and all... I tried calling her today but she was sick and disabled her voice-mail machine. This hurt me a bit - so I just laid in bed and fell asleep again.

I don't know what to do. My emotions have lessened but I am in a state that feels uncomfortable. I haven't officially attempted suicide and I'm starting to rationalize that maybe I need to do it in order to be taken seriously... This is not intended to be manipulative (though I realize it could be).

I am sharing these thoughts with you guys in hopes that you can help with your insight! Does it sound like I am at the point where a hospitalization could be beneficial? Advice please!

I don't feel supported by my therapist between sessions. Whenever I pull her - she pushes me away - and it feels like she's doing it to protect me from becoming too attached. But it's hurting A LOT. It makes sense why she would be doing this for my sake - but I am doing worse by dealing with this. I just want her to stop pushing me away...

I am in Canada - so inpatient is free, though it can be very hard to find placement and usually lasts for a short period of time.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Hello HD: One of the challenges I've always faced is: if I am rational enough to reach out for help, I'm probably not going to harm myself. But if I'm really in danger, the chances are I'm too far gone to call someone. There's a fine line between being able to handle, on your own, how you're feeling, & needing to be in the hospital. I would say that, if you have any question (& it sounds like you do) err on the side of safety. Go to the hospital.

[fletch33]

First of all, you should go to the hospital if you feel you can't keep yourself safe.

Second of all, your therapist sounds horrible. I would start hunting for a new one. She sounds completely incapable of helping others.

Please feel better!

[shezbut]

Sorry to hear that your T wasn't very supportive or understanding, HD. I don't know why that is!

Gentle hugs sent your way!

[FlowerChild67]

I hope you get to feeling better soon. Sorry about you T not being ther for you.

[Ithikari]

You're lucky you're a Canadian Citizen, I live here and costs me a lot of money just to see someone in the hospital or any doctor for that matter >_<

I know how you feel however as I was just going through the same ordeal that I ended up poisoning myself and was about to go to the hospital but then anxiety hit. So now I'm just really sick.

Try and feel better soon.

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies. It helped me get through last night - which was hell. I should have dragged myself into hospital but I didn't. Instead - I watched a movie called girl interrupted (which is brilliant for anyone who hasn't seen it with borderline or any other mental illness).

I called my therapist today thinking she'd still be sick. She was at work! She answered and we talked. She said she doesn't talk about stuff over the phone because therapy is more effective in person. I am struggling with this concept still - but I understand it. I told her I think she hates me still. She said to bring it up in session on monday... I told her I feel alone when she puts it that way... I couldnt get her to budge. This is still a trigger but I think I just need to tell her when I feel so crappy about it...

So she said I should either go to the hospital or use DBT skills to get through the weekend so I can show up for Mondays session... It feels like a massive mountain of time. I am drinking heavily right now to ride the pain... I hope I can make it without needing a hospitalization...

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Secretum]

Can you sleep for hours at a time? It will keep you safe, and it is easier on your body than alcohol. Just keep distracting yourself. Watch TV, read a book, post here. We're here for you.

Stay strong.

[Mindful55]

HD7 Secretum's got a point..you have to feel safe perhaps soft instrumental music to relax, support from PC friends.
If you do not feel safe, yes I would go to the hospital.
Take care.

[HD7970GHZ]

Thank you for the kind words. The advice here is great. Sleep is going to be my passtime this weekend. Then I'm going to therapy session - unloading my pain and potentially going inpatient for christmas holidays. I see my psychiatrist on thursday too - maybe I'll wait till then. The thought of dealing with all this and family, triggers... I could die. Every christmas I have a blowout and get angry. Its unbelievable. I've been thinking suicide plans, and its scaring me. Half of me wants to end this pain but the other half just wants to be around my therapist. She doesn't want to be around me and its obvious by her lack of support between sessions. I literally just want to escape right now. This pain is far too much.

I only had enough to drink last night to keep me buzzed. I felt like getting drunk but I didn't. I played video games and fell asleep.

Thanks,
HD

[The_little_didgee]

Are you sure your therapist hates you? Has she told you that or could you be misinterpreting her response?

You seem to be associating boundaries with judgement of character. Your therapist's reaction doesn't mean she "hates" you and doesn't want to deal with you. I think her response has to do with DBT. She seems to be trying to urge you to find ways to self-soothe and cope independently rather than through others.

[Sleepy1234]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Hey everyone,

I'm considering going into the hospital again. Whenever I feel like I should go in I am usually more attuned to my needs...

I am thinking of suicide everyday. I have ruminations and thoughts about it - I get lost in the fantasy of it sometimes: coming up with plans and catching myself doing so after awhile.

I've been sleeping in until 2 PM almost everyday, can't get up - I only eat 1 meal or so a day. I can't wait till my next therapy session - I am avoiding people, and disabling my facebook account. The other day I was at my friends house and we got drunk and I cried for a long time - embarrassed myself... He doesn't reply much now via text - it's bringing on abandonment feelings. I called my therapist yesterday and asked if she could facilitate my going into the hospital. She said no. It made me feel all alone. She can't really talk about anything on the phone and it's driving me nuts. This being part of DBT and all... I tried calling her today but she was sick and disabled her voice-mail machine. This hurt me a bit - so I just laid in bed and fell asleep again.

I don't know what to do. My emotions have lessened but I am in a state that feels uncomfortable. I haven't officially attempted suicide and I'm starting to rationalize that maybe I need to do it in order to be taken seriously... This is not intended to be manipulative (though I realize it could be).

I am sharing these thoughts with you guys in hopes that you can help with your insight! Does it sound like I am at the point where a hospitalization could be beneficial? Advice please!

I don't feel supported by my therapist between sessions. Whenever I pull her - she pushes me away - and it feels like she's doing it to protect me from becoming too attached. But it's hurting A LOT. It makes sense why she would be doing this for my sake - but I am doing worse by dealing with this. I just want her to stop pushing me away...

I am in Canada - so inpatient is free, though it can be very hard to find placement and usually lasts for a short period of time.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Yes you should go inpatient, trust you gut.

[HD7970GHZ]

Thank you for the replies. This is such a supportive website - you have no idea how good it is to hear people's advice and opinions! It helps so much.

I will keep myself safe until Monday - see my Therapist - and see what she says...

Perhaps this DBT therapy is too painful. She is indeed teaching me skills to utilize with hopes that I can be strong independent from others - but in all honesty - it seems to be hurting me more than benefiting me... It's really sad. I did NOT expect this aspect of DBT. And maybe it's just the current program that I am in... Who knows.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[dancinglady]

Congrats on keeping yourself safe so far. Only one more day it will be over and u can see ur therapist again.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hey my friend

I'm so sorry I've jumped in late here. I would have replied sooner if I was on the forum.

I'm sorry to hear it's been such a struggle for you.

Just know that we always support you.

Please take care.

[HD7970GHZ]

Thank you.