[HD7970GHZ]

This is NOT a suicide note.

I am expressing my current struggles and would really like to hear your experiences with it. I need some reassurance but I also need to know I am not alone. As much as I tell myself I am not alone - these feelings are just so intense.

My DBT therapist told me that I need to branch out and create supports outside of therapy. But I feel trapped - because in the past - I've been so hurt by failed attempts of building supports... I can't do this on my own anymore - but I am so afraid to seek help from my family and friends - because I fear that they will not understand. I worry they will misinterpret things and that they will share things I tell them in confidence... It's just so tragic.

Question: Do you guys and gals talk with friends and family about personal matters? What kinds of supports do you have and what do they look like? Do you have specific people you can talk to about all things? Specific people for specific things? Please share! I need help in this matter.

My posting on here - spewing out negatives makes me feel worse about myself and guilty - given that it could trigger others when they read it. I am sorry for this. I hope it doesn't trigger anyone... My intention for coming on these forums is primarily to help others, but sometimes; I need to ask for help in return - so this is my begging you guys for support in anyway you can offer it - because I'm not going to lie: I need support right now.

All I know is - I am getting worse and I am trying to hold on. Things just don't seem to be getting better. I tell myself, "I have been through this before - I can get through it again," but in all truth - I never seem to understand just how far into darkness I can fall... I am amazed I am still alive given the past - but this is just a whole 'nother level of black. Just when I think I have seen it all - I realize how little I have actually seen.

Depression is taking on a whole new meaning for me - and I have utmost respect for those who deal with it. Life is just not what it used to be anymore. I am triggered by everything. I am a failure and it hurts so bad. I am a burden to those I love - and I try so hard to fix it - but I just keep on failing... I want to live! But it's just so painful. I can see it on my mother's face - and it kills me inside.

I am scared for my life right now - more than I've ever been. In the past - thoughts around my committing suicide had always come with good and bad. But over time - the cost/benefit has been teetering more towards being good... I fantasize about the effects it would have on my friends, family. I sometimes think it would be a healthy reminder to those I have met - that they should respect others - because you just never know...

I will repeat, "This is NOT a suicide note."

I know that you guys and gals experience this too. Perhaps you can shed light on the dark place I am in right now. Anything would help. I literally have no more energy in me. I am at rock bottom and I know I am. I just hope I can rise out of it sooner than later - because I am sick of it.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[ifst5]

First of all, breathe - we're here for you.

Ok? Right, ill answer your questions first as this seems to be an immediate concern you'd like addressing.

I discuss some personal matters relating to MH with my family - but they're not particularly understanding and I find a distinct lack of sympathy in their manner. But this is most likely linked to the fact that our relationships are already difficult and under strain a lot of the time. I have one close friend I sometimes discuss these things with but I don't really like to burden them too much as they too experience ill mental health. I find here to be the best place I can explore and discuss specific topics - because the aim is to support and learn with each other. Other than that I ring my care coordinator who I also have a difficult relationship with - discussing more emotional topics is hard but he's good with getting me sorted out practically in terms of hospitalisation.

Secondly, you've put a trigger warning on your post and reiterated its intention - if people decide to read on its at their own risk. You're doing nothing wrong Please contact your health providers immediately - you at least need to talk someone who can evaluate your current state effectively and then decide what is the appropriate course of action. What you say about not knowing how far you can fall is very true but also very worrying - please speak up about these feelings to the appropriate people, there are others out there who care for you and even if you can't speak to friends and family - help is still on offer. Helplines can be be great for reframing a difficult issue - you can explain that you're not in immediate danger if you feel you aren't - but that you would just like to get everything out into the open.

Please know you're entitled to these feelings - it doesn't necessarily mean you need hospitalising or that you're a danger to yourself. But I feel you do need some form of professional input. Sometimes it becomes difficult to know what to do about a situation - professionals help make the decision in a calm and effective way.

Keep talking, we want to listen.

[technigal]

My dear friend, you always offer such wonderful insight to others that I am glad you are reaching out here.

My supports - my husband and that is it. I have used these boards in the past but at times I found myself being triggered so I don't come around as often as I used to. When I was first diagnosed I was on these boards for hours each day trying to gain little bits of strength.

Depression lies to us and tells us that no one cares, that the world is better off without us. The deeper and darker the depression goes the bigger the lies. You are a good person. You are helpful to others. You care about others.

One thing I am wondering about is if you have a SAD lamp? We live so far north (and yes, I do know that you are south of me) that all the darkness outside brings us down farther. I have yet to pull out my lamp but I know I need to do so.

Hugs, my friend. Keep on reaching out for help.

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm glad you're reaching out to us for support.

You need a voice to be able to express your thoughts.

We are here to listen to your feelings.

I understand them because I've been there.



Here for you always.

[HD7970GHZ]

Thank you so much for your replies. It helped me hang on.

I ended up cutting myself on Thursday night - after my therapist said she would be gone for almost two weeks... I just couldn't handle life - it was so painful. I think I peaked on Friday for turmoil though. I called into DBT, and told my therapist that I cut myself the night before. Because it wasn't quite 24 hours since I cut - she wasn't allowed to talk to me...

(OUCH)

I was prepared for this because I was well aware of the rules - but I still felt the need to tell her, just to tell someone. She said a few things and basically hung up. I stood there and my emotions came flooding out. I called her back and she didn't answer. I called 4 times - and left a message on the last ignored call.

That was very hard.

This was so painful. I almost did myself in right there and then - but instead - I put on my running shoes and ran until I couldn't breath. It was so hard to get up and go outside for a run. I just wanted to die - and curl up in bed for all eternity.

I am feeling better now - occasionally dealing with the emotions. I distracted myself by becoming absorbed in a creative project that I must finish. Because my therapist is gone until the end of the month - I see it as an opportunity to finish my creative project and stay focused on it - rather than being distracted..

Thank you.
HD7970ghz

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry about the experience with your T. Didn't know such a "rule" existed ....

Keep your eye on the goal that you are working towards.

Be safe.

Be well.

And thank you for the update.

[dancinglady]

Sounds like you are making better choices. The rule is in all DBT when it comes to calling your therapist for skills coaching.

[ifst5]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Thank you so much for your replies. It helped me hang on.

I ended up cutting myself on Thursday night - after my therapist said she would be gone for almost two weeks... I just couldn't handle life - it was so painful. I think I peaked on Friday for turmoil though. I called into DBT, and told my therapist that I cut myself the night before. Because it wasn't quite 24 hours since I cut - she wasn't allowed to talk to me...

(OUCH)

I was prepared for this because I was well aware of the rules - but I still felt the need to tell her, just to tell someone. She said a few things and basically hung up. I stood there and my emotions came flooding out. I called her back and she didn't answer. I called 4 times - and left a message on the last ignored call.

That was very hard.

This was so painful. I almost did myself in right there and then - but instead - I put on my running shoes and ran until I couldn't breath. It was so hard to get up and go outside for a run. I just wanted to die - and curl up in bed for all eternity.

I am feeling better now - occasionally dealing with the emotions. I distracted myself by becoming absorbed in a creative project that I must finish. Because my therapist is gone until the end of the month - I see it as an opportunity to finish my creative project and stay focused on it - rather than being distracted..

Thank you.
HD7970ghz

I've got to come out and say that i really don't understand some of the practices by therapists mentioned on this board - why are you not allowed to speak to her until 24 hours after such an incident? Was that prearranged? You could have killed yourself after such behaviour - how on earth is that supposed to have helped you? I'm sorry but i've been dragged through DBT as well and no such rule was in place when i did it. It seems totally counter productive. You weren't in need of skills coaching - it was a crisis.

All she had to say was something briefly kind and constructive - you're already struggling with missing her so i don't see how that would have made things even worse. Ignoring you seems terrible - it put you in an even worse frame of mind.

Oh well i'm very glad you were able to make it through - but i would recommend talking to her about a new crisis plan. I mean if you've no one else to speak too, being ignored isn't really the answer is it?

I'm sorry you weren't better helped at such a difficult time.

[HD7970GHZ]

Thanks for the replies!

They throw in the 24 hour rule (in my DBT program) because they say they do not want to reinforce suicidal behaviors. Perhaps it is an effective method in some cases but certainly not all cases...