[Becoming]

Hey everyone,

So I didn't get diagnosed or anything (I have no T or Pdoc at the moment), but I think I have some traits from BPD. I don't believe to meet all of the symptoms though. Some of them I'm actually confused about. So for a better understanding of myself in the mean time, I've decided to post here and see what you all think. Identity disturbance is the main one I'm concerned about.

First: what does Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment mean?

Second: in terms of romantic relationships (when I was in one recently), I totally forgot any of the the nice stuff she did before we broke up. I was always pushing her to change something instead of just breaking up with her because she wasn't treating me well. She was ignoring me, blaming me, telling me I was "overreacting" whenever I brought something up that bothered me, and wouldn't even say "good morning", "good night", or "I miss you." But I didn't break up with her. Instead I seemed to try and change her so that the relationship would work. Is that considered either Frantic Efforts to avoid abandonment or an unstable/intense interpersonal relationship? There were times I would like her so much and other times I hated her for how she treated me and that was particularly emphasized when we broke up...I kept reaching out to her multiple times nicely and then weeks later when I got no response I would lash out at her/say something like "well, if you want to talk I'll be around."

Identity disturbance: I am a woman who identifies as gay. In these moments I'm avidly grossed out by anything sexual to do with a guy. Every now and then I get curious about guys. Last night I accidentally stumbled upon some inappropriate pictures of guys on Tumblr and the first one I actually liked what I saw so I looked at more. I was liking it. BUT this morning I woke up thinking about it and felt absolutely grossed out/confused at why I had done that. I've had a couple moments in the past as well (few and far between) where I'd talk to a guy or some friends about my curiosity. I even tried something with a guy once and when I look back at that I know I didn't like it. Would you classify this as identity disturbance? It bothers me knowing I did and thought things that don't match how I identify as a gay woman.

Impulsivity: I don't have sex because I don't have anyone to have it with, but sometimes I feel like I want to with a lot of people (it's probably the mania of my bipolar II though). If I did have people, I'm not sure what I would actually do because I've yet to be in that situation. One thing I seem to almost always do though is binge eat.

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior: I am often suicidal, but this is my Bipolar in a depressive episode no doubt. However, after my ex and I broke up, one time when I lashed out at her I did say something that somewhat included a suicidal threat: "now I have to live a miserable life and I hope you're happy with the damage you've done! Sometimes I don't even what to live! I don't even know who I am!!!" It was in a blind fit of rage and I literally couldn't control myself and felt so good after I sent a series of messages, but then guilty later. Now I've accepted my actions and feel that she kind of deserved it because she was a jerk and led me on to thinking we could actually talk/be friends. I don't cut myself regularly. It's rare (almost never) and it's not a need for me.

Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days): I'm attributing this to my bipolar. I don't think this is a problem for me.

Chronic feelings of emptiness: not me.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights): My anger can spike pretty quickly, but I don't usually let it out. I did, however, throw it all at my ex after a while of us breaking up. Then felt guilty/sorry. Now I don't care about it.

Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms: what does this mean?

Thanks all and sorry it's so long!

[dancinglady]

From my journey and experience I believe you are going down a wrong path this disorder has loads of stigma discrimination and not a lot of therapists who are willing to work with us. Not to mention the real physical doctors who will not keep you as a patient due to our behavioral issues. Be careful hold off and follow your doctors dx. Do not over read a DSM dx and don't become a "I have read this I have it kinda of patient". I think it is called a hypercronic (sp?).

It is infortunate when I see people self diagnosing. I think this is dangerous.

[shezbut]

I would recommend that you see a pDoc and ask to be tested for BPD. S/he will probably ask why, and at that point, you can bring up your concerns.

I do agree with dancinglady ~ we are not doctors here. We are merely regular people with BPD. We can share our experiences, and offer our insight to others. Your post is rather technical, and I wouldn't want to mix you up! So, definitely bring these Q's up to a pDoc for their professional opinion.

((((hugs))))

[HD7970GHZ]

I agree completely with Dancinglady and Shezbut. I think your concerns are valid and yes - require attention. But they also require professional expertise. No one on these forums should be considered a professional - even if they claim to be. Just remember this when you peruse this forum.

The thing to remember is that everyone has traits of borderline at some point in their lives. It is part of the human condition to experience these things. For instance: couples deal with abandonment when they care about each other and share intimacy, everyone struggles with impulsive purchases from time to time - and the need to get drunk. Lots of people drive in unsafe manners and experience suicidal ideation... Many people have interpersonal issues and struggle to find an identity in a world filled with so much diversity. People fall victim to their own sexual desires, people get angry and occasionally even rageful when things seem to be unbearable. Stress can induce paranoid ideation in anyone - anxiety can invade someone's life in an instant... It's all part of the human condition. Just because you experience any of these things - does not mean you have borderline personality disorder.

I cannot recall exactly what the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual says - but I seem to recall that you need to experience 5 or more of these things at the same time, for a certain amount of time... But that's just a statistical [parameter] that they invented to better fit the majority of the populace. It doesn't necessarily mean you have borderline if you meet 5 or even 7 of the criteria. There is much more to diagnosing someone than that. What makes for an official diagnosis - comes down to a myriad of things - which only a professional can help you to understand. (These are the invisible [parameters] that are NOT included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. "The SECRETS OF THE TRADE," if you will.)

Until you see a professional - anything you read about borderline personality disorder may seem like a clear definition of you - when in actual fact: it is never that simple.

In saying this: Remember that I am not implying that you have or don't have BPD. If anything you should treat this as an adventure - and seek out a professional first and foremost.

So please go see a psychiatrist! Let us know what happens and feel free to ask more questions.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Secretum]

I'm in the same boat, trying to figure out how much of my experience can be explained by possible BPD traits.

"Transient paranoid ideation or severe dissociation" is talking about brief, stress induced psychotic episodes. Basically, the patient gets really paranoid (thinks that people, organizations, or supernatural forces are after them, that people are talking about them, etc.) or dissociates (feels that they aren't or the situation isn't real).

I've had both paranoia and severe dissociation, but they last a long time and aren't necessarily stress-related.

I read a quote by a psychiatrist when I was first getting psychiatric care; I can't remember it word for word, but it went something like "our diagnoses are like bargain-basement suits that fit most patients very poorly". Someone posted on my thread on BPD in the general mental health forum that psychiatry "isn't a science; it's a mess!". So true. Everyone's brain is different, and very few people fit one diagnosis or another perfectly.

It's true, and I understand it intellectually. But part of me desperately wants a label. I think that comes from the one borderline trait I know I certainly have-poor sense of identity. I want someone to tell me who I am. I think many of us psych patients are like this. We want a name for our suffering.