I'm so untrustworthy.

I really need help but don't have the resources for it.
I'm the past 2 weeks I've found out things about myself that shock me. Finding out was pretty earth shattering and made me feel so lost and helpless. So here goes,
if any one would have asked me about the first few years of my relationship I would have said that I was loyal and only thought about my husband. Never cheated, never thouget about cheating. WELL,,,,,
my husband brought up s time when we first got together that an ex just popped up at my house and her thought something was up with that. I argued him up and down for years that nothing was up and the guy just popped by to say hi...do I got in contact with him to find out. When I asked him about it he confirmed that we talked about him coming over ,it wasn't just a pop up. AND he confirmed that we were trying to work on our relationship. I fought so hard when I heard that. Thinking he is Just mistaken. I felt so confused. Like I didn't know myself. I felt absolutely insane, crazy!!!!

Now tonight some thing what similar happened. I'm finding out that I'm not who I think I am at all. I think back to a time period and I think I know what my mind set was,then I find proof/evidence that my actions proved i was thinking some thing what.

I feel like I being in a hospital some where. I'm so so so untrustworthy. I can't even trust my self.
It just gets worse and worse. ....
where is my bottom? ??????

Hi borncatastrophe, it sounds like these things happened quite a while ago?? But you are who you are now, and if you're trustworthy now, that's what really matters.
And probably back then it's not that you weren't "trustworthy" but more "confused"/uncertain (??) about the relationship and that can be natural when first starting a relationship/when first "committing" to someone???
And as for forgetting the visit (and maybe some other stuff)............well perhaps it means that you just decided to move on from that, perhaps it means it turned into something so insignificant to you compared with what you found with your husband that you put it out of your mind??? And we don't always remember insignificant stuff exactly as it was.
And I don't know whether it goes as far as this in the case of things you forgot.........but sometimes we can block out painful things or memories, or sometimes our conscience can push us into denial......
But none of this needs to mean that you were/are a bad person...........maybe you had personal reasons/factors in things that happened, maybe you were responding to other things, maybe you just made mistakes in your life (just as most of us will!!).
So if you feel that all of this is a real problem then I'd absolutely suggest seeing a T........but bear in mind that it might not be as big a problem as you're thinking it is, and you might be able to see yourself as who you are now, and not judge/pass possibly unfair judgement on yourself (from afar!!) on who you were then.

Alison

Well, That one incident happened a long time ago. The other happened just weeks ago.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I would have sworn things were different than they really were with my actions and all.

Hi borncatastrophe, right that's the past dealt with .........and now for more recently...........
Now I know this is going to be very probably a "No" but got to cover all bases........and was alcohol involved at all??
OK, now I'm running with "No"
Was there maybe stress involved?? When emotions are running high then sometimes smaller actions can fade into the background.........sometimes you can say/do things without thinking and unless they're pointed out later.......
Maybe what you intended by your actions came across/was understood differently by someone else........and something that seemed "innocent" at the time by you appears differently.........hence you're believing your actions may be what someone else saw, not what they really were meant to be, if that makes sense????
Maybe there's some general stress/tension going on in your life anyway, and you're forgetting things??? And perhaps that's the thing that needs dealing with??
Just some thoughts............

Alison

So unfortunately, it's not the old me. It's just me. And I feel very confused,and useless. A definite liability

Borncatastrophe!! You're not useless, you're not a liability!!
Things just aren't going as well as you'd like them to be going, right now. And for some of those things absolutely give yourself a break, no-one's perfect!!!
And don't you go judging yourself purely on some things you'd rather not have done, there is going to be so much more to you than those things!!!
Now you know (providing the evidence is absolutely unshakable/no disputing it at all!!) some of the things you have done.......now you've got an opportunity to work on ways of better handling situations like that if they were to come up again..........and if you're tempted at any time (bit of self-monitoring here) to do something you'd rather not do, reach for advise/support if you need to, hey??
And more noticing the good things in "just me", OK??!!!
And I repeat!!............. You're not useless, you're not a liability!!
Alison

Thanks so much for your support. I absolutely appreciate it. But I'm not feeling that great. Life is Just so hard. And no one gets how hard it is for me. I frustrate people close to me because I **** up and. ......idk...I hurt those close to me and put them in such hard places to deal with me

Hi borncatastrophe, I'm sorry that people around you don't seem to understand, and some of that frustration they have may come from their lack of understanding too
I know it can be sometimes hard to explain to people sometimes though and especially if they're frustrated with you at the time, or wanting "explanations" from you........but for those closest to you do you think you could write down the things you've been feeling,the things you've been going through, some possible reasons for some of the things you've done that might have hurt them.........sometimes it's easier to "explain" when you're not "face-to-face"............explain how you don't want to hurt them and just need their help with that and with what's going on for you.........and have a think about/write down some of the ways they can help you.
I'd say that if at least it clearly shows them that you aren't ****ing up at the time because you just don't care that's got to help.
But you know, I don't even think I'd use the term ****ed up in your situation......it sounds really harsh, and "beating yourself up" when you don't need to certainly isn't going to help..........it is much more about the way you're feeling/problems you're having, standing in the way of you being able to do what might be the "right" thing, isn't it??
And with that you probably need to be a bit more compassionate towards yourself, right??!!
Those feelings/those problems which lead to.........don't make you a "bad" person, OK??!!
It's all about you need some real help and support with what you're going through, yes??
So hopefully you can help the people close to you understand, and offer you support/help.........but if some of them can't try not to worry about it.........some people can't, but there will be others who can. So if you have some of them in your life try to keep those people closest to you. And there'll definately be people not as close to you who can understand/offer you support.........us on here for starters!!!
Alison

Sounds like it might be some form of dissociation/fragmentation to me.