[ballju]

[I'm sorry about the long post. I'm on the verge of losing it and I need to talk about my life to someone. Also I'm a guy, if that helps when I talk about relationships. Tom is male. Jane, Adelle, and ViVi are female. I talk about the problems that I've had dealing with (I can't think of a gentler word sorry for being blunt) sex. I tried to talk about my actions without being explicit however some things cannot be avoided because it was integral in explaining what happened]

When I was growing up I resigned myself to living alone being happy with getting the newest and best electronics. I found a group of friends and over time there were romantic relationships formed. Something Awoke in me and I felt the need to be in a relationship. I had an online relationship that was flaky at best that ended as soon as it started. It destroyed me I went off the deep end.

I had been a member of Okcupid for a while and I got a response from someone and went full into the relationship. I will call him Tom (random made up name). At the time I thought the reason I went full on was wanting someone after a breakup and finding rebound relationship but in retrospect I didn't want to be alone. He talked about having kids and getting married the day that we starting talking but I didn't see that as a problem. I've become addicted to saying I love you in the morning and evening and have a romantic partner say it back to me. He came to visit me and I visited him when I was dating him.

I started going to furry meets. There is nothing inherently sexual about furies but most of the guys that I meet in the group were open about their sexuality. I had a lot of encounters as they made me feel alive and less empty for a while. I boasted about my encounters with Jane (made up name) and her friend Adelle (made up name). I don't remember feeling really guilty at the time except when I was open about it with Tom. I would call and express remorse about what happened. He was okay with it calling it experimentation. I didn't feel guilty about the encounters I felt afraid that Tom would leave me.

When I was dating Tom I found Jane through mutual friends. I grew up in a really religious community and I've always been conflicted about my attraction to guys. I dated Jane and Tom at the same time for a month. Jane broke up with me and didn't talk to me for nine months avoiding me. Adelle wanted a double date asked Jane to invite me. We started dating again. I said to Jane "I see you as someone that I could live with the rest of my life." Me and Jane started having relations. I was still dating Tom at this point. Tom called me when I was having relations with Jane.

After coming clean they both wanted me to decide who I was going to be with. I chose Jane because religion reasons. I awkwardly proposed to Jane on new years eve and we chose September to marry. Between that time I was still talking with one of the furies that I had relations with. We role-played for a bit and he asked me to come down and visit him. I felt really excited. I lied to Jane that I was doing homework. I went down and had relations feeling really guilty about it. I took the train home telling my parent s that I cheated. I called Jane and I still don't know what came over me. I prepared mentally. I told myself I was going to tell the truth but I lost it and said that it had been raped.

About a year into the marriage I came clean to Jane. She was mad but didn't leave. The same furry that I had relations with talked to me again. I told him that we couldn't have sex anymore and he was like okay lets watch BTTF trilogy I need friends I'm lonely. A) He had a boyfriend living with him B)he starting manipulating me into have relations with them. I felt so guilty. Jane knew that something was going to happen. It did but before I meet them I was bent on saying no but I gave in. Jane when she found out asked why don't you feel guilty at all. I didn't feel guilty about what happened but feared that Jane would leave me.

During the two years that we were married and living together. Jane would get upset that I wasn't trying to make the marriage work, that I was lying over stupid small things, and that I wasn't being open. I wasn't physically violent at this time. I was numb from constant video game playing. I work with a counselor at my University and worked through the basic things. At the time I thought I was dealing with depression and nothing else. I stopped playing video games in late summer of last year to watch all of the season of a TV show that I love. I lost the addiction to video games but I went into a deep spiral. At least three weeks I went to work and then sleep during my time off. I started taking Prozac for depression (I had taken it before to deal with social anxiety).

It was around this time that I became crazy controlling and crazy paranoid about the relationships that Jane had. I realize now that I tried to restrict Jane's access to her friends. Jane likes role-playing a lot and sometimes the characters have sex. We had a stupid fight I was in the bedroom. I miss heard Jane. She was voice talking with a online friend and she ask if he heard her vibrator. I thought they were sexting each other. Even now as I'm writing this I feel uncomfortable about that night. I got incredibly mad and snapped and tried to take as many pills as I could to kill myself. She got them out of me. I talked to my doctor and he prescribed Seroquel to me.

I was friends with one of Jane's BFF/ex-girlfriend ViVi. I loved chatting with her however Jane told her everything wrong in our relationship and she has a grudge against me. I hate her to death and I didn't like it when she talked to ViVi. It became a constant fight. For a while she cut off communication with her to "save the marriage." But after we still had fights she was hell bent on always talking to her. I tried cutting off all of her friends and got upset when she didn't. I didn't do this consciously and I wasn't aware of it at the time.

I've had problems losing my anger however it was mild verbal abuse or the silent treatment however the last three months I became physically violent. Jane was watching a tv show with me on Thursday and said she was coming back after going to the restroom. She lied about this and then lied that she was watching youtube videos. We came up with a compromise that she was going to do things with me and only text ViVi when I was gone. It was everything that I had hoped for on a silver platter and yet I was anger stormed out of the bedroom where Jane was and ignored her by trying to watch a tv show. She persisted in talking with me.

I had been incredibly paranoid toward what Jane does on her phone. I had planed on installing a keylogger on her phone when she was asleep but I asked to install a keylogger on her phone. She was upset as any would be. I became enraged and got the hard drive with all the Movies and Tv shows and delete the shows that only Jane liked and told her that I was doing so. She shutoff the computer that I was using. I don't remember exactly what happened I tried to grab the phone several times and then she went into the bedroom. I got on top of her and said everything I could to hurt her.

I tried my hardest to stop. It was like someone else was controlling my body and my actions doing the best to mess up my life. After a couple of minutes I gather up the resource to do the only think that I could think of to stop this madness. I jumped off Jane and walked out of the room. She got in her car and drove off. I got in my car and then called her and said how I was sorry and full of regret. She told me "so that you can do it again." I did something very impulsive and I'm luck to be alive. Jane told me while I was in the hospital that she wanted six months to decide if she wanted a divorce. It broke me inside.

I've been living with my parents for a while now. I feel like I'm a lost cause. I miss Jane a lot. Its Sunday and I've been going back to church after a period of inactivity. Religion gives me structure in my otherwise unstructured life. I'm not trying to promote religion and I avoided saying the religion that is prominent in my area on purpose to avoid this. Religion is a help in my life nothing more or less.

My parents were harping on me big time about getting ready and generally acting like I'm a child. I'm in my mid twenties and have proven to be financially stable living on my own. I couldn't handle it anymore and said f*** it I'm not going if your going to act like this. I told them why can't I [] and then Jane wouldn't have to go through a divorce and you wouldn't have to deal with me. I stormed off and isolated myself.

I don't feel whole without being with Jane. I miss her greatly and I'm constantly worried about what will happen in six months despite trying my hardest not to. Everything seems to remind me of Jane and everything seems to spark memories. I snapped big time at my parents for the first time in a long while. I feel like I'm on a downward spiral. I can't stand to be alone with myself. While I've been living with my parents I constantly talk to my online friends or offline friends. I talk to them about my problems constantly and I feel like that's all that I talk about.

I really wish I had some advice to give you, unfortunately you are in a place that I can't even begin to understand. I really hope that someone with better knowledge comes along and has some helping words. But I did want to tell you that you aren't alone in your miseries. Keep pushing forward my friend.