[kiwipie]

Hi, I have never been to a psychologist, and I know that a diagnosis cannot be reached online, but seeing as many of the people viewing this forum have borderline...does any of this look familiar?

My moods shift insanely within one day…to the point where I feel like a very different person from who I was an hour previous. I can be crying and asking God for forgiveness one second and then the next I am an ardent atheist. Or I will wake up feeling like an angry serial killer, with thoughts of violence filling my head, and end the day as a happy-go-lucky entrepreneur. I am not dissociating, I just become an intensely different person with intensely different goals frequently. I get into crazy reckless moods where I drive all over the road and moods where all I want to do is crawl up and die…and then from time to time I’ll feel “stable” for three days to a week or so. During these times I try and get everything back together in my life and I finally feel that I am getting somewhere until I suddenly crash back into my intense moods. There are more moods but too long to explain.
In addition, I have been having obsessive compulsive tendencies where I feel that there are voices inside of my head telling me to do things like touch a toothbrush, or check the closet because there is someone hiding, or smash two pieces of glass because if I do not do so I will get in trouble with my voices (which I did the other day in a lonely parking lot with a friend under the guise that I was “angry”). Note: These are not audible voices; they are internal.
I have also been quite paranoid, feeling that my father was going to kill me the other day…when the next morning, my mood shifted, and I realized how ridiculous my fear was. In addition to this, almost every day I have a minor panic attack regarding a feeling that I have been poisoned (although the good voice in my head tries to help me steer clear of the poison)...or that I have developed a spontaneous allergy and my throat is closing up.

Additionally, I have always been extremely sensitive but whenever I am in my angry/sensitive mood I find myself reacting pretty violently to criticism. I also try to keep others at a distance. Whenever I reveal too much about myself I am suddenly disgusted with my very being. I have a friend who knows far too much about my character (and still very little) and I find myself getting extremely angry with her, only because she tries to understand me. I am not big with sharing. I hate sharing, as I say I become disgusted when I even say "I'm tired"...and I have heard that over sharing is a trademark of BPD, so it's not very consistent. Also, most of my interpersonal relationships are stable because I never allow anyone to get too close.

Side note: Mood shifts have been going on for quite a long time but anxiety and paranoia has increased significantly in the past few months.

So any similar experiences? Ideas? I am trying to understand what is going on and I just want some advice as to where to go from here.

[kiwipie]

Please say something if you have input. I am feeling confused and lonely. I've never shared any of this with anyone.

[Victoria'smom]

Sorry I just Read this. You really need to be evaluated. I wouldn't say bpd as it's a dx that a therapist or psychiatrist has to have time to dx. They do have meds to help symptoms and Co occuring issues.

[Sinking Feeling]

it can also be a mixed episode of BP. I have BP and many of the BPD traits too. It can be very difficult for even a pdoc to sort them out. Ironically the meds are pretty much the same for both but BPD requires more therapy.

I often feel extremely paranoid, some times to the point I think people are out to get me or kill me. And occasionally I get delusional too. Most of the time I struggle with anxiety and depression, but my depression is not normal. I can break from it and laugh hysterically and be in a great mood for hours only to fall deep in depression again. I get two kinds of mania, good and bad. The good I feel very productive and can do no wrong, carefree. The bad kind I am extremely moody, irritable and have fits of rage.

The few BPD traits I do have are minor but interfere with my social life. I do tend to think in black and white, take things the wrong way a lot and get offended easily some times. I also have the fear of abandonment too.

It can take months even years to sort every thing out! Hang in there and do not worry about the labels, just address the symptoms and be patient.