[celtic.starlite]

I want to explode. I am tired of people telling me that there is no right or wrong way to write my paper for school. If there wasn't a right or wrong way to do it then there wouldn't be an A or an F. No, I don't care about the B, C, or D possibilities. It is either right or it is wrong! I need it to be right. Wrong means getting in trouble.

That is how I truly feel. T and I got into an argument because she pointed out that I'm doing black and white thinking. She pointed out that there are other grades besides the A and F. I know what she is saying is true but it doesn't feel true. I am so frustrated and hate myself. Why can't I be like someone without BPD and see that there is a gray area?!

Why do I have to feel like I'm going to get hurt if I'm wrong? I'm an adult, nobody can hurt me, but it still feels like if I'm wrong I will be in trouble.

I feel like I'm wasting my time and money being in school and thinking I could be a T. My T said I need to stay in school and that I have time to work on me and recover.... I feel like I'm worse than before and yes maybe it is because I am aware and recognizing things and working through all the abuse memories. They weren't kidding when they said it will get worse before it gets better. I don't feel like I will ever be better. I just want to disappear.

Celtic

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Perhaps it is truer to say that there is no ONE right or indeed ONE wrong way to write a school paper.

I believe it is also truer to say that the mark in lessons and papers necessarily contain few D, E, and F, and few A and most people are going to be B and C. If D, E and F you could be in the shite, but if C or B you are doing OK, if you have an A you have done well, see if you can keep it up.

Rather than giving yourself a good kicking for not getting an A have you considered analysing why you did not get a A; strayed off topic, failed to show understanding, insufficient analysis, banged on too long, muddled presentation? Paper writing is a skill, often a difficult one - you have to learn it.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Celtic,

If you're struggling to get out of that black and white thinking could you make that black and white thinking a little kinder on yourself?? Afterall isn't the "right" way to fill in a paper to get a pass?? Meaning what.........a C grade???
A pass is a pass, and you've done it "right". Any higher grade, well you're aiming at better than "right", if you do get that then great (and sometimes that will be at the discretion of the markers, not necessarily a concrete opinion) but if you don't.......you've got a pass, then you HAVE done it "right".
So just the best you can do, hey?? You have got plenty of scope to do it "right".
Not that any sort of grade (bad or good) is going to reflect everything about you, you have got a lot more qualities than what a piece of paper says.........and some pretty amazing qualities.
A grade is just going to add to those, if it's good (a pass or over) then something to be proud of, or if it's not so good (less than a pass) then it is still going to show that despite everything you've been through you actually had the strength to stick it out, and you did walk away with something, you did make it all the way through to the end which is a real achievement, maybe even a building block for the next thing/s you want to try in your life.
But remember whatever happens you're still awesome!!!

And I'd say that absolutely the working through the abuse memories may have triggered this so intensely for you
The vulnerability, the insecurity, the feeling that you aren't good enough if......., the need to be "better", the inadequacies, the need to good at or in control of just something............, the fear of negative judgements.............all that and more abuse can make you feel.
But you do have time to work on you and move more towards recovery.
I am sorry you're going through such a hard period of this right now, but it can get easier.
And if we can help you through that too........we're here for you.



Alison

[Kimaya]

Someone who I admire told me once that some of the best people for helping others are those who have been there.... I really believe this. It gives me purpose to get stronger. Stick with school. You are perfectly suited to help people with similar problems as yours, even as you still work through them.

As for the grades. Yep this is a tough one to get the monkey brain in line on. I am an artist and I subject myself to other's values constantly. Often if I lose a contest, I will go on to hate art that I later look back on and go, oh hey this was actually good! You are letting a grade someone else gave you define you. You can do both value your work and let it stand for what it us. It takes practice.

One thought process that helps me is to fill in these blanks: someone else may think my paper is blank grade, but I feel its blank. Note that you can go either way on the scale.

As for the feeling of getting in trouble... Sorry that's an awful stress. But one will take care of the other. Once you are able to see your work through your own eyes, and value it regardless of externally applied values, the relief from feeling bad should follow.

*hugs*

[celtic.starlite]

Thanks guys. I think part of what makes it so hard is everyone always tells me I'm a great writer - which I am good at writing, but writing school papers is not the same as the writing for myself.

I have straight A's and I'm on the Deans List. This paper is killing me. I can't find acceptable sources - it is on substance abuse, there should be plenty of sources out there!!

I know you are all right, that I need to stop worrying about the grade, but I can't.

Thanks again.

Celtic

[Frankbtl]

Hi Celtic,

"..........I think part of what makes it so hard is everyone always tells me I'm a great writer - which I am good at writing, but writing school papers is not the same as the writing for myself"
You're right, they are very different kinds of writing..........and you know some people who are really good at writing papers might be nowhere near as good as you at the kind of writing you are so clearly very good at.
So separate skills.........one you are real good at, and the other you're trying real hard at. And you know, I'd say with the amount of effort you're putting in/need to put into writing papers, you deserve way more credit than those who just "breeze through" without really thinking about it. So credit all round there!!

And the sources........keep on looking, hey?? You're right they should be out there somewhere. Certainly somewhere online. Hang in there

And as this paper is clearly pretty (very!!) hard........if it's not a straight A........then I'd say that the difficulty equates to a C being the equivalent of an A. You get that then I'll be seeing it as an A
You get more than that........well........I guess that would be making you more than perfect



Alison

[celtic.starlite]

Alison ..... I love you, and I hate you.... Just sayin....

I know you're right, but it just doesn't feel right. I don't think you are right on the last comment you made though "that would be making you more than perfect" .... I will never be perfect, as much as I try to be, it won't happen.

I just need this paper to go away and I need to get out of this funk that I'm in and then things will be fine and dandy for two seconds, until something else sends me spiraling.

Celtic

[Frankbtl]

Hi Celtic,

" .... I will never be perfect, as much as I try to be, it won't happen"
Well I was just talking about achieving the grades there ...........but real good to hear, you're just like the rest of us because I'd say no-one's perfect, in fact sometimes it's some of our imperfections which make us all the more unique/special/stand out (in a good way!!).
And sometimes the imperfections make the good parts stand out that much more too.
So less trying on the being perfect, hey??

"I just need this paper to go away and I need to get out of this funk that I'm in and then things will be fine and dandy for two seconds, until something else sends me spiraling"
And you are going to make it through this paper, everything about you hints at that but it does sound like you need a bit more support with how you're feeling about yourself or in coping with the things that have happened to make you feel this way.
And you have been reaching out for that, which is really good........with the group..........with your friend
It's "just" that you've had so much happen for/to you........that it can take time, it can be real tough. But don't forget that we're here for you too if you need any support. And don't forget the progress you've actually made either.



Alison

[Crazy Hitch]

It can be frustrating for us if we can't "see" the grey area that other's see ....

I've been there with some past experiences.

Not nice and I'm sorry that you had to go through this

[Kimaya]

I've begun to write my papers closer to how I write my stories... Adding a narrator to my papers helps. There are a lot of different ways a paper can be written, you'd maybe be surprised! I was. Do you have a reading partner?

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I just need this paper to go away and I need to get out of this funk that I'm in and then things will be fine and dandy for two seconds, until something else sends me spiraling.

I would question the need to spiral - what is it that tips you over? Perhaps it is the need to be white/black, perhaps something else. I am pretty sure that there may be grounds for concern at times, (that is normal), but no one is dead or injured, the world still turns. You can I am sure handle these things differently, but you might need help to do this.