[lv99atheist]

Long story short: I have been feeling this tug-of-war thing going on for a few hellish days now. I'm in a relationship that has been going very well for some time. I think part of the trouble is that he's been getting a lot of work lately - something he and I have been wanting for a long time - but it's a mixed blessing now. He's gone a lot. I miss him. He comes over for dinner every night, and this is nothing new. But for some reason, I'm feeling more clingy and needy now more than ever before. This is stressful on both of us, obviously.

I'm not holding up well at all. In fact, last night, he told me he was going to need to work today and tomorrow before he gets his vacation time. I was under the impression that he had the next two days off and was looking forward to some quality time together. Now I'm disappointed, berating myself for my selfishness, and can't stop feeling like I'm being abandoned. I admitted to him that I feel both excessively needy (and I don't know why) but also like I want to push him away. He knows I'm not serious, but I even told him that sometimes I want a new boyfriend.

Thing is, I'm always warring with feelings like this. I'm lonerish by nature, and I even suspect that by the time his vacation is almost over, I'll be feeling glad that he'll be going back to work and leaving me to my books and other hobbies. But I have no idea why I've been feeling so clingy lately. I've never been like this... well, at least not since infancy, I believe.

Yes, I'm going through a lot of stress and have several comorbid conditions on top of BPD. (I'm not even sure this is the right place to post this... but I figure this might be the closest match.) No, I don't currently have treatment set up for several reasons, including some very traumatic experiences with past "professionals" that have basically led me to doubt the reality of my own experiences. I'm not in crisis, but I feel like I'm just cracking up, can't control my feelings, can't get treatment, can't do anything right... and I am terrified I'm going to take my boyfriend down with me.

I'm feeling ashamed and vulnerable, like I'm falling to pieces. I don't know what to do.

[Fuzzybear]

(no advice right now ... offering hugs )

[HD7970GHZ]

Hi Lv99atheist,

Thank you for posting and for sharing your current predicament. I will try to give you some sound advice.

You said,

"I'm feeling ashamed and vulnerable, like I'm falling to pieces. I don't know what to do."

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First off: shame (the emotion) implies that you are a bad person.

My first question to you is: Do you feel like you are a bad person? And if so - what in particular makes you feel that way? (I assume the relationship with your boyfriend primarily makes you feel this way, IF anything does at this time)

*Remember that Borderline Personality Disorder is considered a disorder with shame at its core* It is important to remain mindful of our tendency to feel like we are horrible people when our traits flare up. I think you have done a great job catching yourself in this shame trap - just remember that it is NOT always, (if ever) warranted.

We Borderline sufferers envelope ourselves in shame - and one of the reasons we experience so much shame (among many reasons) is that we feel inadequate and unworthy; as if we are nothing without others in our lives - and when we feel like others are going to leave - we cling and claw at them in desperation for fear that they will abandon us - and what are we left with? We are left with even more shame and guilt than we began with... This is the unfortunate cycle we borderline sufferers put ourselves through.

And that is just it: (most times) we do it to ourselves. (Most times - people love us to death and are NOT planning to abandon us - until we begin to fear that they will) [Self-fulfilling prophecy]

Unfortunately, it can take many failed relationships before we realize how we can prevent the most terrible outcome from happening over and over... (Keep in mind our insecurities will always remain in some way or another - but we can learn not to exacerbate those insecurities into something more)

My suggestion is to think about yourself. Stop thinking about your boyfriend. Stop thinking about him and his day and what he does at work and how you wished he was around. Start thinking about what YOU are going to do throughout the day. Start making plans of YOUR own. (This is extraordinarily hard to do for some of us [damn near impossible for me] - but if you struggle with this - it is a surefire way to begin building inner scaffolding that you and only you depend on. You want to build inner scaffolding that can sustain the next storm when it hits.)

There's a motto I made up recently for when I feel that intense shame and I worry someone will abandon me and I become wholly absorbed in thought about that person... I cannot say it fully because there's an F word, but it goes:

"@$#& you - what am 'I' gunna do!?"

It's an attitude that swings my obsessive preoccupation from others - back onto myself. Because I can easily become lost in thought about others that I am attached to and I can literally forget about myself. The inner dialogue quickly becomes: "I need that other person, I cannot do anything without that other person - I won't do anything without that person..."

That's when I say: "@$#& you - what am 'I' gunna do!?"

So while your boyfriend is away at work - what are you gunna do? How can you provide some form of comfort for yourself so that it is not so uncomfortable while he is away?

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Secondly: Feeling vulnerable typically implies you feel unsafe / like the carpet is about to be pulled from under your feet...

My second question to you is: Do you feel scared he is going to leave? IF so - what makes you feel that way? Is it because you are needy and clingy? Are you starting to sense that he is becoming annoyed with your neediness and your clingy behavior?

I know that for myself - once I make a mistake and act on an emotion urge and try to get reassurance and act clingy / needy - my fear intensifies because I interpret their genuine frustration with me as an indication that they will abandon me... I personally am guessing this is the stage that you are currently at in your relationship - maybe I am wrong. If you continue to feel insecure and act on your emotion urges - then you may end up pushing him further away, which (in case you did not already know): is called a 'self fulfilling prophecy.'

Try to avoid going there if you can. Keep yourself busy with your own, "activities and distractions." Think about yourself.

If I were your friend - I would hug you in a warm embrace and say, "It is okay - your boyfriend loves you - he isn't going anywhere... But you need to learn to tolerate your emotions so that you don't drive him away."

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Thirdly: you said,

"several comorbid conditions on top of BPD."

My third question to you is: What other conditions do you have? (I am trying to get a sense of where you are coming from and all of this sounds in line with Borderline Personality Disorder)

My advice might change depending on your other conditions. Please share.

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I think you are very mindful and aware of your current circumstances. Particularly when you say,

"I feel like I'm just cracking up, can't control my feelings, can't get treatment, can't do anything right... and I am terrified I'm going to take my boyfriend down with me."

I believe that right now, (IN THIS VERY MOMENT IN TIME) you are fully capable of reversing any chance of worst case scenarios - by learning to sit with your emotions, your fears and your anxieties - and resist the urge to cling / claw and ask for reassurance. I believe that despite your intense emotions and insecurities - you still possess the ability to do, "opposite emotion action." (DBT skill)

If anything is going to drag you and your boyfriend down - (and this is coming from LOTS of personal experience) it will be the continuation of acting out on behalf of your insecurities. Keep in mind that it is absolutely 110% okay to experience these emotions - they are real and valid and you must not suppress them... But emotions come and go - and if you can look at them as temporary episodes - you can begin to see that they can be tolerated with practice.

I think you would be wise to take some time and ride out the waves. My best advice is to: NOT make any decisions in emotion mind. Whether or not your thoughts and emotions are based on reality is irrelevant. What really matters is that you make an effort to self-validate and recognize them for what they are. They are a product of your insecurities, your past, your trauma - they are NOT who you are. I think you should show yourself as much self-compassion as you can in this troubling time and recognize that you are feeling the way you do for a reason. Just remember - it is okay to feel the way you do. You are allowed to have emotions and thoughts. You are human and they are unavoidable. Being borderline is hard as hell. Ultimately the best thing you can do at this time is practice "Radical Acceptance" and remember that your boyfriend is working because he has to work. It has nothing to do with you. Remind yourself that he will continue coming back home, that he understands and that he is doing his best. Remember to take time for yourself throughout the day while he is away. Remember that we can easily become disillusioned and lose ourselves in our attachments - and it is in these times that it is essential for us to find inner strength and make inner scaffolding that we can lean on in times like these. Just because your boyfriend is away - does not mean that he doesn't want to be with you. Perhaps he hates going to work but is forced to fight the bitterness of reality and earn a paycheck.

It is easy for us to believe our thoughts and emotions are facts, when really - they are just thoughts and emotions. Use the skill "check the facts" if you really need clarification from your boyfriend. But my suggestion is to try and learn to tolerate these thoughts and emotions on your own - and try to show some happiness and joy when your boyfriend gets home even if your first emotion is anger or fear. (Try your hardest and see if it makes a difference in your relationship) Allow yourself to really sit with these terrifying and scary thoughts and emotions and just don't act on them. Acting on the urges to, 'fix,' and reach out for, 'comfort,' and 'reassurance,' from your boyfriend will ultimately make matters worse. [From my experience] Not because your boyfriend does not care or is unwilling to try and meet your needs - but because no one can possibly meet your needs. Once we see it like this - we come to realize that acting on our emotion urges really isn't that effective because we are fighting to receive something that is impossible to give. In essence: we fight the impossible fight from a place of childish desperation and fear and end up testing and burning relationships in the process... It is very sad. And we are experts at this. [At least I am ] The best thing we can do is learn to validate our thoughts and emotions as genuine anxieties and feelings - and do our best not to suppress them or feel ashamed for having them... The more we try and fight these feelings and thoughts - the more prominent and troubling they will become. But learning to validate and tolerate them on our own is vital to our relationship with ourselves and others. Think of it like self-maintenance, we all need to do it. (This is from my own experience, perhaps it is different for you)

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Returning to the very last thing you said in your post:

"I don't know what to do."

My hope is that you learn to tolerate these intense emotions on your own. Wouldn't it be amazing if when your boyfriend is away - instead of looking at it as a dreaded time - you could learn to see it as an opportunity to overwhelm yourself with self-validation and kind, compassionate love - and give yourself mental and physical hugs in whatever "self-soothing" method(s) work best for you!? Instead of living in shame and thinking of yourself as a bad person - you could tell yourself that you are genuinely struggling for reasons (currently) beyond your control - and that if you were capable of dealing with things differently then you would in a heartbeat - that your doing your best and simply want to feel loved and reciprocate that love - and that in the end: you are a beautiful, wonderful, perfect - fallible human being - and that you are no more or less fallible than the rest of us...

You are not alone.

I hope this helps,
HD

I was going to talk about shame and etc, but HD7970GHZ said it all, really. I have been in your place with the feeling simultaneously clingy and pushing away. Classic BPD. I think, for me, it's a security thing. It boils down to the fact that I'm not feeling 100% secure in my relationship with them or that they are going to be there when I leave and come back. Most of the time when I feel the "go away, no...come back!!" feeling, the best thing for both me and the other person would be for me to just have some alone time. Of course, it's really difficult as someone who struggles with BPD to be able to go into that rational mode and say, "I need some alone time because I'm feeling a bit [whatever]. But I love you and I will see you [whenever]." I don't know if I've ever been able to do it with an individual--with groups of friends, yes. With a significant other, heh, not so much.

[HD7970GHZ]

What Misskeena said,

"the best thing for both me and the other person would be for me to just have some alone time."