[YMIHere]

When I took the Sanity Score test and BPD came up my friend told me to leave the diagnosing to the professionals. Good advice I suppose, but I can't get it out of my head!

When I found out I had ADHD it was a life saver because medication HELPED. It explained part of why my life was so screwed up. Because the Sanity Score highlighted above all else BPD, I feel like it's only a matter of time before the new therapist I JUST saw sees the same thing (whether or not she'll TELL me remains to be seen since she doesn't like "tags.")

I read the symptomology and I fee like parts are not me, but could be when taken from a different perspective.

Fear of Abandonment - to me this is Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Suicide attempts and drama.

I think I'm more stealthy.

Relationship starts: Flirty, energetic, fun, hot heavy. I have always said that I don't attract MANY men, but the ones that I do, completely lose their ***** over me. My very first boyfriend would stay so late that he couldn't catch a bus home and he'd end up walking home probably 10 miles. My next boyfriend started breaking curfew when we started dating. Another boyfriend moved out of his house and in with me. Originally I was away at school and every two weeks that I came home there would be roses and dinners etc. I mean EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. I got mail every day. My first husband was 20 years older than me and when he came to FL to move me back to NY, he called his sister (who he rented a house from) from the airport to say he wasn't coming back alone. The following month we announced we were getting married. ALL of my men were very caring types. I've always been the bossy one and my men jump through hoops to keep me happy.

This all changes of course. The very thing that attracts me to these men is the thing that rings the bell of the death knell. I WANT someone to fight with me. I don't want them to roll over. STAND UP TO ME! I start fights about stuff that isn't even REAL. I had a huge fight with my husband b/c I was talking about wanting to move to Costa Rica and he wasn't about it. We were nowhere NEAR this point but I'm fighting with him about this as if it's on the table.

I do my own thing and expect for it to be OK. What do you mean I can't go out with my girlfriends?!? I don't have to ask for your permission! Then I'm coming home talking about what a good time I had when we were talking with these guys, but nothing happened! We were just talking!!!!!

After I've thoroughly reeled them in and chewed them up, I'm off like a prom dress. "This isn't working for me anymore. I have to go."

I previously attributed my effed up endings to the ADHD or Bipolar impulsivity. Now I'm starting to think that my beginnings and middles are part of the problem as well.

Anger? You know what makes me angry? When my best friend won't answer the phone. Why do you have a cell phone if it's NEVER NEAR YOU FOR YOU TO ANSWER IT?!? I'm angry when I need her help and she has plans and I feel like I ALWAYS need help and she ALWAYS has plans. This doesn't mean I'm constantly angry with her, but when I am irritated with her, there seems to be a trend. Her anger with me of course is that I only want to see her when I need something (hard to schedule with her for ANYTHING, she's always busy!).

Instability of Mood? Identity Disturbance?

I realized recently that my anger seemed to percolate from the fact that I "hate my life." But being on this site, reading, ruminating, etc. I think I came to a new conclusion. I HATE MYSELF!

I hate that I have no control on my spending and eating. My spending is usually related to my eating. I spend more money on fast food than anything else probably. Cooking takes PLANNING. I buy stuff and it goes bad before I settle down to cook it. I just keep gaining weight and I'm also drinking more than ever before. Can I go without alcohol? Yes I can. Guess I'm not a full fledged alcoholic yet, though you couldn't tell by the amount I've been drinking lately. It's causing me to gain weight.

Career aspirations have been all over the place in the past year. Mostly I want to be absolutely anywhere but where I am. I've looked into self employment, starting my own non profit, going back to school, ALL of which I have put extensive time into only to come up empty handed.

I've ATTEMPTED to take on leadership roles. I'm SO intelligent and so passionate. But I get debilitated by my perfectionism. Right now I haven't been to church in months because I said I was going to lead something, did so for a couple of weeks and then disappeared. It took me FOREVER to send an email to everyone to touch base and one person responded saying she's glad I reached out b/c she had questions, could we get together at church and I disappeared again. I don't even want to LOOK at my email now. Checking my email gives me such a feeling of anxiety because it's a reminder of promises I'M NOT KEEPING. Reminder of my FAILURES. All of this causes me to just want to hide under the covers a little longer which I am doing way more often these days.

And MINDFULNESS is supposed to be a form of therapy? How do people DO THIS????? I am fairly certain that 99% of my life is spent doing things to INSURE I have no time to really LOOK AT MYSELF! Meditation scares the crap out of me. On a bad day I’ve written 30 pages in my journal and even THAT was just spewing the stuff that flies around in circles in my head trying to get it out in the hopes of shutting down the noise. But is there some sort of acknowledgement of past hurts? I probably wrote more about imagined slights than real hurt.

It is only NOW occurring to me my part in the disaster that is my life. I told myself that I was doing what I wanted to do when I was sleeping around, even though I got nothing out of it EXCEPT to feel like a ***** the next day and wonder why a guy would even WANT to be with me when he showed interest. I pretty much cry every time I hear “Jane Says” by Jane’s Addiction. “Jane says I ain’t never been in love….I don’t know what it is...she only knows if someone wants her….’I want ‘em if they want me…..I only know they want me….’” Do you think I want to LOOK at this behavior? ALONE? In some mindful way????

I swear to God I have got to be THE most impatient person I know! I am sorry for the verbal diarrhea. I don’t even know what I hope to get out of these tirades, but I won’t see the therapist until the 5th and I figure at least you all have a clue what I’m going through. I'm hoping all noobs go through this at the beginning while the wise ones give sage advice.

[lavendersage]

On, man. I can't write in any depth right now as my arse has to get up and get ready for work but I will later. On my GOD do I see myself, my life, in so much of what you wrote!!!

[YMIHere]

Thought I felt a kinship with ya.