[Northern88]

I have an obsession with my health visitor and I want her a mother figure.

I have text her on and off and I feel i've got too much for her as she has been very quiet lately and ignoring my texts.

and then I went to talk with someone today and when I was leaving she don't start pestering me anyway I'll tell you if you do.

I just feel hurt and lonely. really not in a good place right now.

[CopperStar]

She might just be trying to establish healthy boundaries for you. If she does care about you, genuinely, then that is what she would do. Because if you come to depend on someone for something they cannot provide for you, such as being your surrogate parent, then that could wind up in a world of hurt for you - which it sounds like might be happening. In such a case, the best thing she could do for you is to try to set down some boundaries to protect you, and hope that you will seek out proper therapeutic help for yourself.

Sometimes the way people try to be kind to us, is not the way that we were conditioned in childhood to receive affection, and it can be very confusing and hurtful. But please try to have faith that she wants what is healthy for you. I know it can feel really sucky, though.

[Northern88]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

She might just be trying to establish healthy boundaries for you. If she does care about you, genuinely, then that is what she would do. Because if you come to depend on someone for something they cannot provide for you, such as being your surrogate parent, then that could wind up in a world of hurt for you - which it sounds like might be happening. In such a case, the best thing she could do for you is to try to set down some boundaries to protect you, and hope that you will seek out proper therapeutic help for yourself.

Sometimes the way people try to be kind to us, is not the way that we were conditioned in childhood to receive affection, and it can be very confusing and hurtful. But please try to have faith that she wants what is healthy for you. I know it can feel really sucky, though.

I just wish I could forget about her like that and just see her as my health visitor and nothing more. It didn't help when she text me saying

I respect you for the person you are and I do care about what happens to you. I know what emptyness feels like which is why I work so hard to fil that space. Your going to come through this a stronger person for it.

and then she ignores me I dont understand.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by Northern88

I just wish I could forget about her like that and just see her as my health visitor and nothing more. It didn't help when she text me saying

I respect you for the person you are and I do care about what happens to you. I know what emptyness feels like which is why I work so hard to fil that space. Your going to come through this a stronger person for it.

and then she ignores me I dont understand.

Sounds like she was feeling emotional and bit off more than she could chew. Maybe she has dysfunctions, too. A lot of people do, really, in all walks of life. Hell some people go into the medical field for codependency reasons or to otherwise try to fill some need in their life, even if it's just the need to be needed. Maybe she realized she broke a boundary and got too personal, and now she's backing off quickly. Who knows. But it's best to think about what is healthy for you.

[Northern88]

She said I could ring her tonight

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by Northern88

She said I could ring her tonight

Please be careful with your feelings. I'm concerned that she said such things to you, and then stopped responding to you suddenly for a while, and now is 'rewarding' frantic efforts after a period of ignoring. This does not sound like someone who is functional enough, herself, to be a stable, healthy resource in your life. It almost sounds like she could be someone who likes to "do the dance".

[Oystersoul]

I'm in a similar position with a link worker for my children's school. She has been pretty much our only advocate and has helped us with so much. I do want to be part of her 'family' and am really struggling with boundaries too.
I don't have any answers or suggestions to share but I can offer my hand to squeeze x

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[Northern88]

Originally Posted by Oystersoul

I'm in a similar position with a link worker for my children's school. She has been pretty much our only advocate and has helped us with so much. I do want to be part of her 'family' and am really struggling with boundaries too.
I don't have any answers or suggestions to share but I can offer my hand to squeeze x

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I'm really hurting even feel suicidal

[Oystersoul]

Do you think you'd be able to tell her what you are feeling?

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[Northern88]

Originally Posted by Oystersoul

Do you think you'd be able to tell her what you are feeling?

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What could I say ?

In all seriousness, go onto the Social Group section here and find the group that says "Adopt a Mom or dad" and find someone from the list and PM them. And post your profile so you can be matched to someone you can message regularly. You need more than one person to support you.

[Northern88]

I sent her this and will leave it now can't be worth feeling like this

I'm really confused as to what I've done to upset you. I get the message and I will leave you alone . I'm sorry for wanting you to be something you could never be. Just wished you could of been honest with me . Good bye xxx

[Oystersoul]

That is very emotionally charged xxx

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[Northern88]

It's how I feel

[Oystersoul]

How about....
'I'm struggling to understand boundaries. I know that you are a professional and have to maintain some sort of distance but I've come to value and respect you and want to consider you as a good friend. I don't know if that is possible given the circumstances? Sometimes you respond and willingly offer help and support and other times there is no response. I'm finding it really confusing and emotionally draining when trying to work out how to react. Because I respect you I would really like to hear your thoughts?'

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[Oystersoul]

Can't turn off blooming signature!

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[Northern88]

Too late she sent this back

I am still working. Had to 999 patient into hosp and not finished visits. I want to phone you but still have one patient to do. You have done nothing to push me away just work has got in way. I can phone. When. Finished or tomorrow. If you going. To bed

[Oystersoul]

That's a really nice reassuring message!!
On this occasion you have twisted the possibilities in your head and you can lay them all to rest now!
It's really hard, I'm able to think relatively clearly and challenge my thoughts right now but I can really sympathise with not even being able to consider that option.
It may be worth having the conversation with her just to have it clear. Even if it just means that she knows to send back a message to say that she can't respond properly now but she'll be in touch later when she can give you the attention.
Having people knowing that that helps REALLY helps me!

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[Northern88]

Originally Posted by Oystersoul

That's a really nice reassuring message!!
On this occasion you have twisted the possibilities in your head and you can lay them all to rest now!
It's really hard, I'm able to think relatively clearly and challenge my thoughts right now but I can really sympathise with not even being able to consider that option.
It may be worth having the conversation with her just to have it clear. Even if it just means that she knows to send back a message to say that she can't respond properly now but she'll be in touch later when she can give you the attention.
Having people knowing that that helps REALLY helps me!

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Ever since I was abused as a child I've always had this fear of abandonment etc and she knows that.

I sent one back saying I'm still awake. So she knows she can ring me

[Oystersoul]

You know it because you have lived it every damn day. She has been told but it won't have the same meaning to her. She will never understand how deep that scar runs. Some people do need reminding.

Are you feeling a little calmer than you were earlier?
Still holding out a virtual hand x

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[Northern88]

Originally Posted by Oystersoul

You know it because you have lived it every damn day. She has been told but it won't have the same meaning to her. She will never understand how deep that scar runs. Some people do need reminding.

Are you feeling a little calmer than you were earlier?
Still holding out a virtual hand x

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Thanks yes feel a lot calmer

[Fuzzybear]

[Oystersoul]

Originally Posted by Northern88

Thanks yes feel a lot calmer

:thumbsup:
Anytime x

[Northern88]

Originally Posted by Oystersoul

:thumbsup:
Anytime x

Even tho she apologised I still feel
She was avoiding me now I will avoid her .

[Oystersoul]

Because the uncertainty hurts! And you want to protect yourself from the pain of uncertainty. I totally get that.
It really sucks xxxx I feel and share your pain.
You're not alone x