when do you split them black?

I'm not sure that I do this, well not without "good reason" but.. Maybe sometimes, maybe a part of me does

I used to read quite a lot about Psychology, and other subjects (in books) but over the past 3 years my reading has been severely curtailed and I feel (and may at times be perceived ) as something of a "dunce"...

So this is why I'm asking this question, how have you experienced "borderline splitting"?

For me it is mostly my husband - he is the most amazing guy in the world/I want a divorce.

Hey FuzzyBear,

I have interpreted your question as meaning: what does it look like when relationships of mine swing to devaluation due to splitting / black and white thinking. I hope I interpreted it correctly.

I just had splitting today. I was sitting here reading forums and my mind went to my friends... I recently went through something very traumatic and I shared a bit about it with them as individuals. One of those friends told me that they are all talking amongst one another about it and they claim they are doing it because they are my friends... They even worded it as, "I am lucky they are talking about it amongst one another because it is a sign that they care..."

I understand where they are coming from but I disagree. The particular matters they shared amongst one another are very intimate and personal and I just don't like it... I value respect and privacy and trust in friends, and they broke it... I almost sent a text message to all of them saying I never want to speak to them again. However, I think I would rather leave the possibility for change in the relationships - so I will not send any texts. But I am deeply hurt and feel like I can't accept it. My experience has been that if I speak up and tell them how I feel - I am wrong and insane for speaking my mind. It's unbelievable.

I also am getting to the place of splitting my family black too. I really don't want anything to do with them. They are the most invalidating people I have ever met. Upon attending DBT and learning more about the invalidating environment this became clear to me. I managed to keep them out of my therapy (due to advice from my prior therapists to do so) and it had been a great boundary for a long time. But now I have included them in some of my therapy and it's already becoming an issue... I don't even want to open up to my new therapist because of it. My trust with my family is out the window and it has been for years for good reason... I honestly feel like it could destroy my relationship with my family if they decide to lie or manipulate my therapist even once. They have a history of doing this to me and my friends. It's absolutely disgusting.

To answer your question - I would say I split people black when they prove to me they cannot be trusted. I have a good core group of morals and values - and I just don't see how people can break them so easily and without remorse. I don't feel safe around people in general anymore. My friends and family over the years have proven to me that people are not good. I live in fear. If someone makes me feel afraid, then I split them black. Problem is: sometimes I am afraid of something that my past experience indicates is real - but sometimes is completely false. How does one differentiate the two when they have been so badly wounded?

I hope I have answered your question.

The tipping point is when I am triggered enough to validate my fears and anxieties.

Thanks,
HD

I do it to my wife and son and friends all the time.

I praise them one day and done with them the next

Thank you for this post...wow....so me....starting to understand this...

I'm with technigal, I do it mostly with my husband. I'm either totally in love or I'm about to leave him. I don't do it to my children and hope I never do but I do it to just about everyone else too, I guess that's why I've always been a "loner". I'll let someone in and get close and then I'll just stop calling them and talking to them altogether, and I'll have some reason - something I don't like about them - to justify it on my end. Meanwhile they're usually left pretty clueless. It's pretty crappy now that I think about it this way. The only person other than my kids I don't do this to is my dad.

This happens to me on occasion with my family, but never anyone else, and it's rare now that I only see my family once a week. I've never experienced it in romantic relationships. Once I'm in the obsessive phase with someone, I usually stay there for a long time until it gradually wears off.

I split loved ones quite often. Especially if I perceive a threat from them. For example I love my mom dearly, but if she ignores me in anyway I will turn on her. I feel like I make her constantly walk on egg-shells for me. Though when someone really hurts me... they stay black forever.

Oh yeah, and I do this 110% ....There is no middle ground????

I experience splitting like this:
They're either for me or against me, black & white thinking , people are good or they're bad, there is never a middle ground. I hate life or I love life, never in between.

It affects nearly all my relationships including my relationship with myself. It's that little kid inside me that can't reconcile that the same person who loves me can sometimes be capable of hurting me. It's that little kid that makes that same person two separate people in my mind. I either pull people in close to me or I push them away... on purpose. I am afraid of being alone, fear abandonment , but also fear letting down my guard and allowing myself to be vulnerable to possible hurt, pain, abuse, even death & then when that fear strikes me to the core..... I push people away. I also turn it inward & am a perfectionist because if I make a mistake, I'm ****, I'm unworthy of love & I am nothing.

Umm, yeah, I have issues. That's why I'm here.

When I read about splitting elsewhere I'm sure I don't do it. It's just not me. But when I read this thread I can easily relate. Splitting is a confusing thing to me.

I have an aunt who I believe to be a narcisist. Whenever I read psyc articles about splitting she comes to my mind. Let me tell about her behaviour, she's constantly finding someone in her life to put on top of the world. The relationship builds up really fast, with her giving everything to this person, talking wonders about them, calling them "the sister/brother/father/mother I never had/I've chosen" or "what a man, he's the man of my life". The 'chosen one', of course, is in a convenient situation and takes it all, until they slip... like everyone else, either because they get spoiled... ooor because they had bad intentions from the beginning (she seems to attract that kind from time to time), but even when told to slow down, my aunt won't listen and things get bad. From this moment, she'll turn against them, start giving the cold shoulder or even being mean, to the point it ends on a fight or, depending on this person being "subordinated" to her in a certain way, the relationship becomes unbearable. Not to mention the times when I don't really know what happened, but she apparently substituted her previous "friend" and starts making hurtful comparisons to hurt them. Somehow it seems like the person didn't grow up to her expectations and she starts to demean them.

These cycles tend to last a couple of months to an year, except from one time when she got married. That's how she deals with things too, they're either good or bad.

But you guys mention trust issues and splitting when someone you know hurt your morals, and that feels a lot like me. For example, there's this girl I know who tried to approach me a couple of times, but I disapprove some of her attitudes and can't get over it. I'm like "she's ok, I should become friends with her and open up a bit more" and then "omfg, she's disgusting I hate her" and I'm not just saying it, I absolutely feel it and regret later, specially because it makes me feel like I'm two-faced, but still won't get over it.

If I have bad interactions over a day, or if someone whose opinion I value says something that I find completely wrong or stupid or behave in a way that scares me (gets overly drunk, behaves aggressively or is intrusive with me, for example), I'll "split them black" and even worse: it triggers me into thinking I hate everyone. There are days when I get home feeling like everyone is worthless.

With my boyfriend I've been through many phases. Nowadays, if I get triggered I think "I should better end this relationship, I can't deal with this anymore", but won't say it, just think. There were a couple of times when I got really angry at him, overreacted and told him I didn't know if I wanted to be in a relationship anymore, but those are times when I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. Coming to think of it, I don't think he ever told me he hated me or anything, like I did back in the past.

However, I dont idealize people as "good", I don't worship them. So I really don't know if this is splitting or just trust issues.

Just my HO but it sounds like splitting. It's so easy to do.

My mom and my sister, my friends, and professionals.
The slightest thing goes not according to plan and all of a sudden I'm going from "you're the cure to all my problems!" (friends/professionals) or "I love you so much, you mean everything to me!" to "I hate you and you deserve to die."

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This Is splitting, you don't need to worship the person, they just become loveable and important to you and then they become nothing and worthless it comes and goes depending on the person.

Some people I hate and avoid forever.

Well you are not alone. This is a great description of the issues I have too. I'm getting much better about the perfectionist thing... Well, with environment stuff (rebelling from parents who expected perfection with everything being neat and clean all the time.. Try being a kid and you can't make any messes anywhere. Kind of hard, kids are messy)... Anyways, tangent..

To answer the OP question, happens when even the slightest sign of abandonment.

Oops, I misread the original post. Sorry!!!

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I overthink things. I split if I feel vulnerable. If I give a piece of myself and realize I may be hurt as a result, even if it's a 1% chance, I get paranoid, and mentally prepare myself to lose the person. So I split them black, get annoyed with their quirks, think the worst of them, jump to bad conclusions, assume they are betraying me or talking bad behind my back, etc. But it's all because I'm afraid they will reject or abandon me. Sometimes in the process I will find or create a reason to end a relationship with them. Whatever that reason may be. And in the process, I wholeheartedly believe in that reason I created. It can be something as simply as them being too friendly with a member of the opposite sex. I'll convince myself that they are flirting or doing something behind my back and I'll emotionally paint them black, just itching for an argument, something to justify pushing them away. Then when I'm all alone and realize that my mind fooled me again, I try to let them back in, but either they're gone or when they come back, it doesn't return to normal. It's almost always related to vulnerability. Say I tell the person I have a mental illness (Bipolar Disorder)... they may be accepting, if I am to take them at face value. But then my mind tells me "they accept you now, but if a guy that has everything you have WITHOUT mental illness comes along, they'll dump you for him". And so, the cycle of negative thinking begins and the thoughts and my paranoid translation of the person's behaviors form a negative feedback loop.

In fact, I have two friends who I keep at arm's distance. I keep everything superficial with them. I don't particularly have any strong feelings for them, I just pass the time with them. I've gone to their weddings and anniversaries, to their engagements, etc. I've been friends with them for well over a decade. And it works because I don't give a ****, really. It works because it's a very surfac-ey friendship. My best friend and I have been literally joined at the hip for 8 years, with a 1 year gap in between where we were not on speaking terms whatsoever. We've since learned to keep certain boundaries in our friendship as we both are vulnerable and sensitive people. I have another close friend who I think has some natural form of Xanax flowing in his veins because this guy NEVER gets riled up. He is the most unassuming, laid back person ever, and he doesn't judge anyone. Another close friend of mine is a female coworker. We've gotten close and she's in AA and we both vent to each other and spend time together. I have a couple other friends that I see every now and then, then I have jamming buddies, then I have acquaintances and coworkers. But, I've had 3 or so close friendships I ended or lost within the past several years. And it's because of vulnerability.

“Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies."- Friedrich Nietzche

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel. Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are." -Niccolo Machiavelli

I hate vulnerability! It's such a two-faced asshole!There's not a real chance at feeling love without it, but it's so hard for me to be vulnerable. If I even anticipate there may be pain involved my mind finds a way to pick the person apart, maybe even create a crisis in the relationship to try to make the other person leave. Then, if they do, I justify that with my self hatred and suspicion that they were eventually going to leave anyway. If they stay, which is rare, I always question why they would do so. My bf says he's always proving his love to me and I always refuse to believe it's sincere or I say I believe him but I'm still expecting the other shoe to fall, so to speak.

He's just gotten to the point where he accepts that that is who I am right now, that I'm working on it, but there will always be a fundamental part of me that will always react this way. He gets frustrated, of course, but he also gets something out of it or he wouldn't stay. He says that I'm also the most understanding, and simultaneously most ****ed up woman he knows. He usually doesn't demean me but he says " you're the sexiest crazy ***** I know." It's hard to explain but it's a term of endearment, really. I also call him my *****, so it's a mutual thing. We're also best friends, even though this post may make it sound otherwise. We've actually been together 9 years as of Oct. 1st.

The person saying the stupid thing doesn't realize it's stupid. This probably applies to you from time to time as well. The real test is whether they resist change even after recieving new information.

I don't know if I got it right, but do you mean it in a "reality check" sense? If they resist even though they're wrong it's because they're really wrong and it's not really my fault to paint them black?

The more you guys talk about it, the more I relate. However, it still confuses me because I'm always reading examples of splitting as something more extreme.
Then I was reading these two links here and thought "****, that sounds a lot like me". To be honest I'm still more inclined to deny what I do as splitting than not, partially because I'm so contained to myself that it's hard to believe I really do it. "I kinda do it" is ok but the "I really do it" thought makes me dizzy.

https://bpdtransformation.wordpress....oughts-on-dbt/
http://aapel.org/bdp/BLsplittingUS.html (this one is mostly in french, though)

It's hard for me to see I'm inflexible. Even now I still don't completely believe it, because I'm one to defend change and carefreeness, but it seems I can't deal with it very well? I really require significant others to have a steady behaviour towards me, like an emotional routine. I feel easily vulnerable to rejection and will conjecture the craziest things, assume the worst and push people away.