[pekingdduck]

So I have been diagnosed with traits of a borderline personality, and as I do some research, I am realizing that I have all the symptoms except one.
I have mild disassociation/chronic emptiness, unstable relationships/emotional instability, suicidal and self harming tendencies, impulsivity, inappropriate anger, and moods that fluctuate on a dime.
The one thing I don't identify with is the abandonment. I am actually the opposite. I constantly wish everyone would just come out and tell me that they can't stand me so I can get on with things and stop playing this emotional chess game.
I guess I am just wondering if there is anyone who understands that feeling, or can point me to another resource/diagnosis to bring up with my psychologist.

[Fuzzybear]

I do have some issues with abandonment but thanks for the post and welcome

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by pekingdduck

So I have been diagnosed with traits of a borderline personality, and as I do some research, I am realizing that I have all the symptoms except one.
I have mild disassociation/chronic emptiness, unstable relationships/emotional instability, suicidal and self harming tendencies, impulsivity, inappropriate anger, and moods that fluctuate on a dime.
The one thing I don't identify with is the abandonment. I am actually the opposite. I constantly wish everyone would just come out and tell me that they can't stand me so I can get on with things and stop playing this emotional chess game.
I guess I am just wondering if there is anyone who understands that feeling, or can point me to another resource/diagnosis to bring up with my psychologist.

In a through-the-looking-glass kind of way....that still looks like abandonment to me. It's sorta like abandonment of the self....this is not coming out the way I mean (grrrr).

Sort of like you are trying to "get a jump" on them abandoning you by subconsciously wishing that they'd just tell you they "can't stand you" (i.e. abandon you) because, let's face it, we'd all rather be the architects ("in control") of our own destiny than at the whim of the "fates".

Doe that make a lick of sense? Sometimes the limits of writing (a one-dimensional form of communication) makes things not come out the most explanatory way.

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey duck,

Welcome to forums! And thanks for sharing!

I definitely relate to what you are saying. A lot of us do. Can you explain what you mean by, "emotional chess game." Please share more about that, I am curious what that looks like for you in your relationships.

There are many different ways that abandonment issues can show in people, like Lavendersage touched on this above. For more insight into this topic - look around online for the push / pull, idealization / devaluation cycle in borderline sufferers. It can manifest in many different ways.

I know that for myself, at times, I want nothing to do with people. But that does not mean I have been cured of abandonment issues. In truth: it is because I am innately very sensitive and whenever I make myself vulnerable and get close to someone, I risk getting hurt. We learn from our past experiences and given that one of my biggest triggers is abandonment - it would make sense that over time, after many failed relationships: I would come to value isolation in favor of, 'getting out there and socializing,' since getting close to others is often associated with pain and misery.

On one end I have a FEAR of being alone - on the other I have a FEAR of being abandoned. Because of this: I push and pull others in a constant unconscious battle.

There is a reason why so many borderline sufferers end up showing Avoidant Personality Disorder traits. Look into that disorder in your search for clarity in diagnosis and questions for psychologists. It is often diagnosed alongside Borderline Personality Disorder.

Hope this helps,
HD

[crosstobear]

Originally Posted by pekingdduck

So I have been diagnosed with traits of a borderline personality, and as I do some research, I am realizing that I have all the symptoms except one.
I have mild disassociation/chronic emptiness, unstable relationships/emotional instability, suicidal and self harming tendencies, impulsivity, inappropriate anger, and moods that fluctuate on a dime.
The one thing I don't identify with is the abandonment. I am actually the opposite. I constantly wish everyone would just come out and tell me that they can't stand me so I can get on with things and stop playing this emotional chess game.
I guess I am just wondering if there is anyone who understands that feeling, or can point me to another resource/diagnosis to bring up with my psychologist.

Some people actually do have abandonment issues and have a personal style like yours that is just a way of abandoning people before feeling the pain of abandonment. It can be a more aggressive and externalizing way of dealing with the same core issue, and over time because it's so ingrained it can seem like they truly don't have pain about abandonment. I'm similar, too, but my childhood was full of abandonment. I know some people who will find a reason, falsely accuse, or create a fight/argument out of thin air in order to dump/abandon someone because in their mind that person has begun the process of abandoning them already, and they are just beating them to the chase. Of course, many times it's a distorted perception and it can be from something as simple as the other person being in a crappy mood.

[BadWolfC]

I get what you mean by wishing people would tell you that they don't care about you, I feel sometimes like my friends are only using me to get things they want and don't actually care about me. However, it depends on the day how strongly I feel this way and I've started to wonder if it could just be paranoia.

I used to have very strong abandonment fears, but only of the people I cared about most leaving me, so mostly ex boyfriends. Had it a little bit when I first started dating my fiance, but I've almost completely gotten over it somehow. On the other hand, I am not attached to my friends at all. I don't have any abandonment fears with them, in fact I'm very quick to end my friendships if I get bored of someone or they start drifting away. I've never been able to connect with people very easily, so I don't normally get emotionally attached to anyone, and because of that I never feel the fear of abandonment with them.

[HD7970GHZ]

Badwolf, I relate to what you said about thinking friends don't care and are after something... I struggled with this ALOT in my teens and I still do. I used to think this was paranoia - but in all honesty - I think it's just a product of being sensitive in a crazy, scary world. We look for reasons to suspect betrayal in the form of abandonment. Sometimes we are terribly wrong, no doubt. But my suspicions about the motivations in friends and family have, at times, been accurate. People can be malicious and purely selfish with little or no desire to form or maintain a genuine relationship... Sad but true.

I experienced this in therapy as of late - and it was soul crushing and life changing. It sent me to rock bottom. I will never look at humanity in the same light. I could fall into the trap of, "I was right this time so I am always right," but I know this is a fallacy that only leads to further destruction in all walks of life. So instead I look at it like: this sensitivity and paranoia in response to other people and their motives can be used effectively if utilized properly.

Unfortunately there are plenty of people who abuse us sensitive folk because we are easy targets who will typically put up with a lot of nonsense to prevent others from leaving us.

I think there is a point where your, 'paranoia,' is a product of your sensitivity and your hyper vigilance from past experiences - and a point where it is a product of your intuition and gut instincts. One could look at this sensitivity as a detriment - but in today's society - I think it is as much a blessing as it is a curse. Sensitive people are VERY perceptive. Learning how to balance, 'thinking too much,' with, 'being accurate,' is an art-form. But if we can master it - we can exhibit super human insight and ability in the way of inner social workings and environments - and use it to protect ourselves and others. If we so choose... Unfortunately some of these people use it to harm others too - which is what I experienced when my therapists became malicious towards me...

Sorry for rambling you raised a point that I could not help but expand on.

Thanks,
HD

[pekingdduck]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Can you explain what you mean by, "emotional chess game." Please share more about that, I am curious what that looks like for you in your relationships.
HD

Well, What I imagine is just the regular push and pull, or 'you deal with my ******** and I deal with yours', that happens in relationships is exhausting to me. I view it as a chess game, or any turn based game really.

The way I used to have friends in high school was I would have my friends for drinking, partying, and occasionally sex, my friends for theater and/or band, and my friends for writing, tv shows, and other creative endeavors. Even if they sometimes mixed, that is how I viewed them in my head. But as all friendships go, they often would want to do things the fell out of the designated things I would want to do with that friend type (i.e. party friends wanted to just watch a movie without any drinking or making out) and I found it irritating and exhausting.

As I write this I am kind of beginning to think that I would search for things that I didn't like about people to ditch them when they tried to become a more three dimensional friend.

The thing that confuses me is that I have never had this fear with my family, and one other family that is so close that I view them as my immediate family.