[trabeabe]

I am just not sure what to do anymore. I have been in and out of the hospital probably 10 times since 2009. My diagnosis is BPD/Major Depression severe recurrent and anxiety, along with a slew of addictions. I posted last week in another forum about my counselor is retiring. I have been seeing her for almost 12 years now. She is getting done in the middle of March! I don’t know what to do without her. I don’t know what I will do without her. Right now this very moment I feel a sense of panic. Like I don’t know if I’m going to be able to deal with this. I have always been very honest with her about my depression and suicidal feelings, despite it putting me in the hospital several times. I know when I need help. The problem that I’m having right now, is that I’m starting to feel like that again, but am not sure I want help. All of a sudden I feel this panic like I haven’t done enough in the last 12 years to get better. That somehow she is going to be disappointed in me. That I have to get well now so that when she does retire she will just know that I’m going to be okay. The problem is I don’t feel okay. There is a big part of me that really wants to try to get into the crisis residential place around here, but then I have all these other things going through my mind. Like first of all, my daughter who I love so much. She’s 21 and she is tired of dealing with my depression. The last time I went to the hospital she told me that she wished I’d just kill myself. That she couldn’t take the constant wondering of whether I was going to or not. She thinks I go to the hospital or crisis as a vacation and that it’s not right, because when she gets depressed she has to go on functioning like an adult and keep going to work. She doesn’t get to go away and take a week off from life. Deep down I know that she doesn’t want me to kill myself. I know that she is just scared. I want to be clear that I am not going to kill myself. I am not at this moment suicidal. I am just very depressed. I am ashamed to admit that I do cut myself and have done it twice so far today. I don’t want to be in the hospital or crisis during Christmas. I’m trying to keep it together so I can have Christmas with my daughter. I just don’t know how long I can stand feeling this way. I guess part of me really does want the help, because I’ve even thought about cutting myself deep enough to have to go get stitches. Then someone would know how I feel and help me. But other then that I don’t feel like it is okay for me to get help anymore. I feel like I’m just going to be disappointing everyone again! I don’t know what to do. I see my other counselor on Weds. She is my substance abuse counselor. I haven’t been seeing her for long at all. Not even a year I don’t think. I can talk to her about my feelings about my other counselor. I like her and everything, but I’m just not as close to her. I guess writing this out it is occurring to me that one of the biggest fears I have of asking for help right now is that I don’t want to make my counselor feel bad. I don’t want her to know that I feel this depressed about her retiring. I HATE having the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I have read so much about it and one of the biggest things that bothers me is how people with this are described as being manipulative. I don’t want her to think that I am being manipulative. Like I’m somehow trying to guilt her into staying. That’s not it at all! Will someone please just tell me what to do?

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by trabeabe

I am just not sure what to do anymore. I have been in and out of the hospital probably 10 times since 2009. My diagnosis is BPD/Major Depression severe recurrent and anxiety, along with a slew of addictions. I posted last week in another forum about my counselor is retiring. I have been seeing her for almost 12 years now. She is getting done in the middle of March! I don’t know what to do without her. I don’t know what I will do without her. Right now this very moment I feel a sense of panic. Like I don’t know if I’m going to be able to deal with this. I have always been very honest with her about my depression and suicidal feelings, despite it putting me in the hospital several times. I know when I need help. The problem that I’m having right now, is that I’m starting to feel like that again, but am not sure I want help. All of a sudden I feel this panic like I haven’t done enough in the last 12 years to get better. That somehow she is going to be disappointed in me. That I have to get well now so that when she does retire she will just know that I’m going to be okay. The problem is I don’t feel okay. There is a big part of me that really wants to try to get into the crisis residential place around here, but then I have all these other things going through my mind. Like first of all, my daughter who I love so much. She’s 21 and she is tired of dealing with my depression. The last time I went to the hospital she told me that she wished I’d just kill myself. That she couldn’t take the constant wondering of whether I was going to or not. She thinks I go to the hospital or crisis as a vacation and that it’s not right, because when she gets depressed she has to go on functioning like an adult and keep going to work. She doesn’t get to go away and take a week off from life. Deep down I know that she doesn’t want me to kill myself. I know that she is just scared. I want to be clear that I am not going to kill myself. I am not at this moment suicidal. I am just very depressed. I am ashamed to admit that I do cut myself and have done it twice so far today. I don’t want to be in the hospital or crisis during Christmas. I’m trying to keep it together so I can have Christmas with my daughter. I just don’t know how long I can stand feeling this way. I guess part of me really does want the help, because I’ve even thought about cutting myself deep enough to have to go get stitches. Then someone would know how I feel and help me. But other then that I don’t feel like it is okay for me to get help anymore. I feel like I’m just going to be disappointing everyone again! I don’t know what to do. I see my other counselor on Weds. She is my substance abuse counselor. I haven’t been seeing her for long at all. Not even a year I don’t think. I can talk to her about my feelings about my other counselor. I like her and everything, but I’m just not as close to her. I guess writing this out it is occurring to me that one of the biggest fears I have of asking for help right now is that I don’t want to make my counselor feel bad. I don’t want her to know that I feel this depressed about her retiring. I HATE having the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I have read so much about it and one of the biggest things that bothers me is how people with this are described as being manipulative. I don’t want her to think that I am being manipulative. Like I’m somehow trying to guilt her into staying. That’s not it at all! Will someone please just tell me what to do?

. I am so sorry u r struggling. Have u tried DBT. You. R probably experiencing abandonment feelings. U have a very close relationships.

[trabeabe]

Originally Posted by dancinglady

. I am so sorry u r struggling. Have u tried DBT. You. R probably experiencing abandonment feelings. U have a very close relationships.

I am actually in DBT right now. We are only 2 weeks in though. I have however done it before.

[TMac1010]

I have borderline too. Hubby is tired of me too. I don't know if it's the clinginess, the fact I also have bi polar and get manic and it's intimidating to him or what, but he keeps telling me he's done and leaving which switches the cycle to panic and depression and so the pattern repeats... HUGE TRIGGER WARNING... Can't help but think my mind developed badly as a child when I did something wrong or whatever to get attention and so I "got it alright" and I was abused and it would hurt, and I would cry, but after he would always feel bad so he would cuddle me and it would all be okay again... Perhaps I never learned how to properly behave because of this, make sense? So yeah and I know all this now so for that I am grateful, and I just keep this logic, because Acting Out isn't for me anymore. I have to think of my children and keep on fighting to be a better me. And I dunno I guess what I'm saying is you CAN too! We have to be strong and take things as they come and build eachother up because when we were small we didn't get that. Am I right? So reach out and make new connections. You're not alone my dear hugs!!!

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by trabeabe

I am just not sure what to do anymore. I have been in and out of the hospital probably 10 times since 2009. My diagnosis is BPD/Major Depression severe recurrent and anxiety, along with a slew of addictions. I posted last week in another forum about my counselor is retiring. I have been seeing her for almost 12 years now. She is getting done in the middle of March! I don’t know what to do without her. I don’t know what I will do without her. Right now this very moment I feel a sense of panic. Like I don’t know if I’m going to be able to deal with this. I have always been very honest with her about my depression and suicidal feelings, despite it putting me in the hospital several times. I know when I need help. The problem that I’m having right now, is that I’m starting to feel like that again, but am not sure I want help. All of a sudden I feel this panic like I haven’t done enough in the last 12 years to get better. That somehow she is going to be disappointed in me. That I have to get well now so that when she does retire she will just know that I’m going to be okay. The problem is I don’t feel okay. There is a big part of me that really wants to try to get into the crisis residential place around here, but then I have all these other things going through my mind. Like first of all, my daughter who I love so much. She’s 21 and she is tired of dealing with my depression. The last time I went to the hospital she told me that she wished I’d just kill myself. That she couldn’t take the constant wondering of whether I was going to or not. She thinks I go to the hospital or crisis as a vacation and that it’s not right, because when she gets depressed she has to go on functioning like an adult and keep going to work. She doesn’t get to go away and take a week off from life. Deep down I know that she doesn’t want me to kill myself. I know that she is just scared. I want to be clear that I am not going to kill myself. I am not at this moment suicidal. I am just very depressed. I am ashamed to admit that I do cut myself and have done it twice so far today. I don’t want to be in the hospital or crisis during Christmas. I’m trying to keep it together so I can have Christmas with my daughter. I just don’t know how long I can stand feeling this way. I guess part of me really does want the help, because I’ve even thought about cutting myself deep enough to have to go get stitches. Then someone would know how I feel and help me. But other then that I don’t feel like it is okay for me to get help anymore. I feel like I’m just going to be disappointing everyone again! I don’t know what to do. I see my other counselor on Weds. She is my substance abuse counselor. I haven’t been seeing her for long at all. Not even a year I don’t think. I can talk to her about my feelings about my other counselor. I like her and everything, but I’m just not as close to her. I guess writing this out it is occurring to me that one of the biggest fears I have of asking for help right now is that I don’t want to make my counselor feel bad. I don’t want her to know that I feel this depressed about her retiring. I HATE having the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I have read so much about it and one of the biggest things that bothers me is how people with this are described as being manipulative. I don’t want her to think that I am being manipulative. Like I’m somehow trying to guilt her into staying. That’s not it at all! Will someone please just tell me what to do?

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself first of all. Your therapist has known you for 12 years, she knows you have BPD, she is going to know that it's going to trigger abandonment fears in you. The point of telling you now is that you guys have nearly four months to work on you being ok going to a different therapist. This is really common stuff, stuff most anyone goes through when a therapist relocates/retires. You will not have the rapport with a new one that you have with one you've been seeing for 12 years, but that's ok because you will build that relationship. It just takes time. I think your current thearpist should know you are not being manipulative, this is triggering you - the foundation of BPD is fears of abandonment.

The diagnosis sucks, but DBT helps. It really does. Give it time. Give yourself time. Don't give up on DBT or on life. I used to be a cutter, I haven't in so many years I couldn't even tell you when I last cut. It's defintely been more than 3. It absolutely is possible to learn new ways to deal with being overwhelmed emotionally. I'm sorry your daughter said that. She is angry because she is scared of losing you, it sounds like. That doesn't make it ok to say that. It's great that she can keep functioning when depressed but not everyone can.

If you are thinking about going to a residential crisis facility, that is probably what would be best for you. There is nothing wrong with needing or asking for help. The overwhelming emotions of BPD can get unbearable. No one understands except other people who have overwhelming emotions. It seems like you are going to drown in them and it's never going to get better. DBT will give you the skills to deal with feeling so much, and your therapist will not be surprised that you are feeling upset about her retirement. You can get through this!

[trabeabe]

Originally Posted by DBTDiva

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself first of all. Your therapist has known you for 12 years, she knows you have BPD, she is going to know that it's going to trigger abandonment fears in you. The point of telling you now is that you guys have nearly four months to work on you being ok going to a different therapist. This is really common stuff, stuff most anyone goes through when a therapist relocates/retires. You will not have the rapport with a new one that you have with one you've been seeing for 12 years, but that's ok because you will build that relationship. It just takes time. I think your current thearpist should know you are not being manipulative, this is triggering you - the foundation of BPD is fears of abandonment.

The diagnosis sucks, but DBT helps. It really does. Give it time. Give yourself time. Don't give up on DBT or on life. I used to be a cutter, I haven't in so many years I couldn't even tell you when I last cut. It's defintely been more than 3. It absolutely is possible to learn new ways to deal with being overwhelmed emotionally. I'm sorry your daughter said that. She is angry because she is scared of losing you, it sounds like. That doesn't make it ok to say that. It's great that she can keep functioning when depressed but not everyone can.

If you are thinking about going to a residential crisis facility, that is probably what would be best for you. There is nothing wrong with needing or asking for help. The overwhelming emotions of BPD can get unbearable. No one understands except other people who have overwhelming emotions. It seems like you are going to drown in them and it's never going to get better. DBT will give you the skills to deal with feeling so much, and your therapist will not be surprised that you are feeling upset about her retirement. You can get through this!

I just wanted to say thank you so much for your kind words. It is nice to know that other people feel things this strongly too! I will be seeing my therapist on Monday. I am definitely going to be honest about how i'm feeling. She probably already knows anyway.

[passionfruit3]

I am in your shoes I've been in the hospital at least a hundred times for suicide attempts that are seen as attention seeking and that my family is tired of and I'm only 23 I've wanted to go to residential and the closet I got was a stay at a crisis home and that was nice I can't deal with being kept in one place to long which is why they never like me at the er.I have been in dbt to but it's hard for me to use the skills in the exact moment of a crisis what about you?I've started to think I don't want help I want to get better or die and I'm not getting better so.I'm tired of ending up in the hospital to and putting my family through this if I got it right I feel I could only hurt them once and never against but hang in there definitely don't want to be in there for Christmas


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[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by passionfruit3

I am in your shoes I've been in the hospital at least a hundred times for suicide attempts that are seen as attention seeking and that my family is tired of and I'm only 23 I've wanted to go to residential and the closet I got was a stay at a crisis home and that was nice I can't deal with being kept in one place to long which is why they never like me at the er.I have been in dbt to but it's hard for me to use the skills in the exact moment of a crisis what about you?I've started to think I don't want help I want to get better or die and I'm not getting better so.I'm tired of ending up in the hospital to and putting my family through this if I got it right I feel I could only hurt them once and never against but hang in there definitely don't want to be in there for Christmas

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Look at it this way, if you die, you absolutely have no chance of ever getting better. So keep trying to get better. The more you practice the skills the easier it gets. You're literally training yourself to react in a different way - a way that is unfamiliar and feels weird and is not natural for you. It takes time, that s**ks but it does.

Your death would hurt your family more than once, because they will hurt every day for the rest of their lives. Not guilt, just truth. It's not like you ever 100% get over the death of a close family member but if it's to suicide it's even harder. They always blame themselves for not doing more, even though there's nothing they could've done or they would have. You know?

[Unrigged64072835]

The fact that you're losing your counselor after 12 years is still a loss, and you'll probably go through a grieving process while becoming acquainted with your new counselor. So understandably you're depressed.

Keep the faith. This is only temporary and you'll get through this, even though you don't feel like it now. Keep practicing what you learned in DBT.