[trinitytears]

All my life i have battled the voices in my head. Their constant whispers echo through my whole being and resonate a song of emptiness in my soul. They are always there to predict my failures and remind me that I am useless. But it's not just the voices in my head; the world outside me utters whispered threats and speaks of my imminent decline. In conversations that I can't quite make out, my mind fills in the blanks. Every "she" is of course me. And every word a statement of malcontentment. Even in their silence, I hear cries of disappointment . It is only a matter of time before they flee from me. Still, even in my solitude, the madness prevails. Alone and silent I feel her there, always inside me, always watching, waiting - waiting for her chance to be free. Though I don't know how she got there, I think she's always been there, quietly judging and biding her time. She looks like me and sounds like me, but her actions and behaviour differ greatly. She is rude and bossy and generally mean spirited, yet I admire her strength and resilience. She is not so much a voice, but an essence - a me that I wish I could be. But she is not me, for I am not her. She is Jules, that's who she's always been. I am aware of her constant presence but her swift assumption of control is always beyond my consciousness. When she is at the helm, nothing can bring me down, nothing can hurt me or phase me. She is a rock, a warrior,m y shield. But she leaves as sudden ly and silently as she arrives, and I am left in the wake if her destruction. Two lives living as one, two separate and distinct personalities - one damaged and beaten body. No one can explain what all this means, or what triggers my transformations. I think she takes over when she feels I can't manage or overcome a threat. Unfortunately, she does not come on command so her existence is like a mystery to me. I wish someone could define what's wrong with me. I wish someone would look at the "whole me". I'm tired of the "go to" bipolar diagnosis when clearly there is so much more going on. Does anybody out there understand? Can anybody help me?
--
Trinitytears

[ThunderGoddess]

I feel similar I can barely explain it you did way better than I have. I always try to say I'm two people but like I'm aware of it and she's my tough chick she's the aggressive one and the extrovert while the "real" me is an introvert and passive. The only reason I don't think mine is DID is because I don't have memory loss and I feel like I am totally aware of the switch although it's not on purpose. She's who I wear when I walk out the door or interact with people. I don't know what it is I can only relate. Also all my therapist have said it can't be DID since I am aware of the switch but I have so many other issues I haven't got to that one yet.

[amandalouise]

with in me my own treatment providers called this psychosis \hallucinations\delusions and normal (internal critic) because it did not fit the diagnostic criteria for DID. my DID type alters did not sit by in my mind whispering threats and such nor did they cause objects and other people outside my body do that. what my DD type alters did was they took care of things that caused me to be triggered into feeling numb, spaced out, disconnected...

example when I could not handle a meeting at work an alter took control and did what was needed to get done during that meeting, if I felt scared, the alter that took care of things that made me scared would take control to deal with those things.

you can read more about what is DID in the link at the bottom of my post.

[trinitytears]

As @Thundergoddess stated, it isn't quite DID because we do not have the accompanying amnesia, or at least, I do not think so. Sometimes days will fly by without me having a clear recollection of how I spent all those hours. But I live at home with my mum, and I cannot work at the moment due to my paranoia, so I would imagine if I were to black out, it would be noticed. No, what I experience is completely different, and it is comforting that you, @ThunderGoddess can relate. I honestly thought I was the only one. It is very difficult to explain. I suffer from BPD, that is a definite diagnosis, however Jules is something of a mystery. It is like I completely change personalities. I still respond to the my name, but those who know me, know who is really there, and they will often call me by my alters name, in which all they get in respond is a smile. It is like watching myself playing a different character in a play, but I have no control over it. I cannot just jump in and say "Cut" anytime I wish and be me again. No, when Jules is around, Kim is no longer in control, just a bystander within.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by trinitytears

I wish someone could define what's wrong with me. I wish someone would look at the "whole me". I'm tired of the "go to" bipolar diagnosis when clearly there is so much more going on. Does anybody out there understand? Can anybody help me?

You can have BP disorder with psychotic features. I heard someone share their story of being psychotic when having a manic episode and you would have thought their dx was schizophrenia -they had delusions, felt they needed to save the world, etc. Has a professional ever given you a Schizoaffective disorder dx? What you're describing "nothing can bring me down" "nothing can hurt or phase me" does sound like mania.

It sounds like the hearing voices everywhere thing is separate from Jules, am I reading that correctly? We all have a voice inside of us that is our own conscience, and we can also have a self critical voice. If you are prone to low self esteem or second guessing yourself, being very critical, it could be that you get so overwhelmed at some point that you just act without thinking and act "rude and bossy and generally mean spirited."

[ThunderGoddess]

Originally Posted by trinitytears

As @Thundergoddess stated, it isn't quite DID because we do not have the accompanying amnesia, or at least, I do not think so. Sometimes days will fly by without me having a clear recollection of how I spent all those hours. But I live at home with my mum, and I cannot work at the moment due to my paranoia, so I would imagine if I were to black out, it would be noticed. No, what I experience is completely different, and it is comforting that you, @ThunderGoddess can relate. I honestly thought I was the only one. It is very difficult to explain. I suffer from BPD, that is a definite diagnosis, however Jules is something of a mystery. It is like I completely change personalities. I still respond to the my name, but those who know me, know who is really there, and they will often call me by my alters name, in which all they get in respond is a smile. It is like watching myself playing a different character in a play, but I have no control over it. I cannot just jump in and say "Cut" anytime I wish and be me again. No, when Jules is around, Kim is no longer in control, just a bystander within.

Yeah I have days that go by that seem fuzzy but I know I wasn't "blacked out" in an alter and forgive me with these terms I lack much knowledge with DID and the lingo. What does happen during these switches is exactly like watching a movie of myself. They have different voices and likes, dislikes and usually lie about information about me like they tell people I do things that I don't do.

Tough chick shuts out all other parts of me but her. She is like ocd with everything she puts all my other parts into boxes and organizes them she doesn't eat or sleep much and she doesn't allow painful thoughts to process in, she hides them in the "boxes"

this is so very confusing to even explain again like I said I still don't feel I can quite put words on this experience but I just know I can't stop them especially since I don't know where it's coming from.

I also have a really dark one that thinks I have magical powers and worship satan again dismisses all other parts of me but this one doesn't box anything up it's just all out warrior nothing else exists but it's force I physically feel like I grow bigger this one is sarcastic and cynical it doesn't come up very often thankfully but it pops up if I think too deeply into abuse from other people or assume I will be abused in a situation.

Overall I think I have a few of these other me's and it feels different than when I lose my temper and lash out without thinking that I can't always stop myself from doing but it doesn't feel like I'm another person during those incidents and DBT is helping with it.

Normally these personalities avoid altercations with others but they do get me in trouble with beliefs that are not truly mine so when I run into the people I had spoken with they talk about things with me that I'm like uhhhhh yeah um that girl you spoke with, she isn't here today maybe stop by next week!

[trinitytears]

Originally Posted by ThunderGoddess

Yeah I have days that go by that seem fuzzy but I know I wasn't "blacked out" in an alter and forgive me with these terms I lack much knowledge with DID and the lingo. What does happen during these switches is exactly like watching a movie of myself. They have different voices and likes, dislikes and usually lie about information about me like they tell people I do things that I don't do.

Tough chick shuts out all other parts of me but her. She is like ocd with everything she puts all my other parts into boxes and organizes them she doesn't eat or sleep much and she doesn't allow painful thoughts to process in, she hides them in the "boxes"

this is so very confusing to even explain again like I said I still don't feel I can quite put words on this experience but I just know I can't stop them especially since I don't know where it's coming from.

I also have a really dark one that thinks I have magical powers and worship satan again dismisses all other parts of me but this one doesn't box anything up it's just all out warrior nothing else exists but it's force I physically feel like I grow bigger this one is sarcastic and cynical it doesn't come up very often thankfully but it pops up if I think too deeply into abuse from other people or assume I will be abused in a situation.

Overall I think I have a few of these other me's and it feels different than when I lose my temper and lash out without thinking that I can't always stop myself from doing but it doesn't feel like I'm another person during those incidents and DBT is helping with it.

Normally these personalities avoid altercations with others but they do get me in trouble with beliefs that are not truly mine so when I run into the people I had spoken with they talk about things with me that I'm like uhhhhh yeah um that girl you spoke with, she isn't here today maybe stop by next week!

While I don't have the boxes thing, I do completely understand what's it is like to lose yourself when these "alters" take control. And you did a perfect job explaining that it's like watching a movie of yourself, because that is exactly what it is like for me. And I cannot tell you how nice it is to know I am not the only one who deals with these "other me's". And I am really glad that DBT seems to be working for you. I am trying to look into that and CBT.
All I can say to you is thank you. Thank you for understanding. So many people, even my doctors, have no clue what I am talking about because it doesn't fit nicely into one of their labels. But I am also sorry. I'm sorry that you have to endure this kind of hell like i do. But at least now you know too that you are not alone. I am here for you, sweetheart. ♡