[JessLynn]

I am so sorry for the stress that I have caused the family. I am embarrassed that I am being that girl, but I can’t help it. I can only put on a façade for so long. It feels like there is another person living inside me, yelling at me, sometimes whispering, lies into my mind. She tells me I’m invisible and unimportant. She tells me that I’m going to be alone forever, that everyone is going to leave me behind, and that I will be forgotten. She tells me that I do not matter, and that I’m never going to get any better. She tells me that this is my life, forever. She tells me I don’t want to see the rest of it.

I deal with this by telling her to shut up. I ignore her by occupying my mind with other things. Sometimes I do this by colouring, or by watching movies, baking, going for walks, anything really. Other times I do this by being with friends or by going to school. Surrounding myself with distractions is how I keep that voice quiet, but that only works for so long. The negative feelings caused by this constant string of lies piles up higher and higher in my mind until it cracks through my walls and floods out.

At this point, it’s too much for me to deal with. A lot of the time, this is when I get very far away from reality. I go very deep into my mind and sometimes I feel like I’m not even in control of myself. This is usually when I’m a danger to myself, and I hurt myself. I’m sorry. I know that this is hard for other people and not just for me, but when I get all the way up to this point, I can’t think about that. I try to, but my primary goal is to stop my hurting.

There are ways that I can put this sudden emotional explosion off for a while, though. One way of doing this is by talking it out with whoever I feel is capable of listening. Groups, professionals, friends, sometimes family. But this usually only puts the inevitable emotional explosion off for a little while, and it will still come. I’m trying to cope with it, and usually I wear this façade so I don’t hurt others with my baggage, but that is truly the most difficult thing I have ever had to do and it wears me down quickly.

I feel like a failure for being such an embarrassment to my family. I feel horrible for letting my family down. I’m sorry to cause you so much more stress than you deserve. You deserve an easier child.

Hoping your family isn't the cause of your BPD ...



If they are, they don't deserve an apology!

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by JessLynn

I am so sorry for the stress that I have caused the family. I am embarrassed that I am being that girl, but I can’t help it. I can only put on a façade for so long. It feels like there is another person living inside me, yelling at me, sometimes whispering, lies into my mind. She tells me I’m invisible and unimportant. She tells me that I’m going to be alone forever, that everyone is going to leave me behind, and that I will be forgotten. She tells me that I do not matter, and that I’m never going to get any better. She tells me that this is my life, forever. She tells me I don’t want to see the rest of it.

I deal with this by telling her to shut up. I ignore her by occupying my mind with other things. Sometimes I do this by colouring, or by watching movies, baking, going for walks, anything really. Other times I do this by being with friends or by going to school. Surrounding myself with distractions is how I keep that voice quiet, but that only works for so long. The negative feelings caused by this constant string of lies piles up higher and higher in my mind until it cracks through my walls and floods out.

At this point, it’s too much for me to deal with. A lot of the time, this is when I get very far away from reality. I go very deep into my mind and sometimes I feel like I’m not even in control of myself. This is usually when I’m a danger to myself, and I hurt myself. I’m sorry. I know that this is hard for other people and not just for me, but when I get all the way up to this point, I can’t think about that. I try to, but my primary goal is to stop my hurting.

There are ways that I can put this sudden emotional explosion off for a while, though. One way of doing this is by talking it out with whoever I feel is capable of listening. Groups, professionals, friends, sometimes family. But this usually only puts the inevitable emotional explosion off for a little while, and it will still come. I’m trying to cope with it, and usually I wear this façade so I don’t hurt others with my baggage, but that is truly the most difficult thing I have ever had to do and it wears me down quickly.

I feel like a failure for being such an embarrassment to my family. I feel horrible for letting my family down. I’m sorry to cause you so much more stress than you deserve. You deserve an easier child.

Hi JessLynn. I can so relate.

When I started reading I thought I could have written portions of this myself. The other person living inside you. It is often so hard to put into words how I'm feeling. That was a good expression. I've told my husband that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I've said that sometimes it's like mental creepy crawlies under my skin. I know there's nothing there but it's this discomfort but nothing is hurting. Or it's an itch that you can't scratch but it's not REALLY an itch. It's just there, GNAWING at me and at those times, it takes all to do to get out of bed and make it to work.

What I highlighted in red is where we differ. I'm glad you tell her to shut up! I just hide. I feel that way and I join the party and start beating myself harder until I sit there crying over something that I can't name. My husband will ask me why I'm crying and what do you do when you have NO CLUE?!? There is not one thing that you can honestly say you know for a fact opened the floodgates. This was me in August, which is what brought me here.

I don't think that I'm an embarrassment to my family. I guess I'm lucky I have good people in my corner, but I feel so embarrassed for myself. I'm 44 years old and STILL socially inept. When I was a kid I wanted to be a singer or actress. I should have stuck with that because at least then I'd be "eccentric." LMAO! And I'd have something to blame my psychopathy on - FAME!

I work in an office and I don't fit in. I'm smart, but I tell it like it is and I don't accept things the way they are and that doesn't bode well for me in Corporate America. I really do feel like a square peg trying to shimmy into a round hole.

You wrote this today. Holidays are rough for a lot of people. I hope that today didn't turn out as bad as you were probably thinking it would.

Merry Christmas.